When I was younger my mother took me for neuropsychological testing and they told me I had great auditory skills but deficient visual/spatial skills. This became evident as I got older. My writing was always sloppy, I was extremely unorganized, and I sucked at sports. Sucking at sports was really hard to swallow. My father loved sports and was a good athlete. He especially loved to play golf. I don't know if anyone with NVLD (which is what I assume I have) has tried to play golf, but it is probably the most frustrating activity you can possibly engage in. My father started taking me golfing when I was around 10 years old. No matter how hard I tried my skills never seemed to improve. It would always end with me crying and throwing my clubs around. The men on the rest of my fathers side of the family were also all avid golfers (all neurotypical). To not be able to enjoy a game of golf with my father was a major blow to my self-esteem. I also played baseball. I could field and pitch ok, but I couldn't hit. I would cry when I struck out from the frustration. These failures laid the groundwork for a depressed state of mind that continues to this day.
Despite my failures at sports, socially I was still doing OK. Through junior high I had a circle of friends that I went to the movies and the arcade with, slept over each others houses etc. I had a real silly sense of humor back then. I would make up words and phrases and laugh about them for hours. People would always ask me why I always smiling. I had crushes on girls but never had the courage to tell them. Not surprisingly my best subjects were english and history. I was good enough at math at this point to get by with B's and C's. My father had to help me alot at math though.
Heading into high school it seemed like things might work out for me. I continued making friends and got OK grades, at least at the beginning. My learning disorder made it really difficult for me to take notes in class and understand certain concepts (especially in math). The organization problems also continued. I would forget that something is due and have to cram at the last minute. Eventually my grades got worse. My parents would respond by yelling at me and lecturing me about how important school was. It never seemed to sink in with me though. It was just too hard and eventually I just basically gave up. Both my parents worked so I would come home from school to an empty house. I would watch movies and play computer games instead of doing homework. Eventually I hit puberty and got my drivers license. Not surprisingly I was not a very good driver and would get lost easily (which my friends would tease me about). I was 16 years old and had my whole life ahead of me. It was at this point I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. This may have triggered my bipolar disorder. I should also add that I am half asian ( on my mothers side ), which made me have a low tolerance for these substances.
I eventually graduated high school and attended a state college. I continued to drink and smoke pot throughout college. My poor study habits continued as well and it took me over 5 years to finish. I hung out with a crew that smoked pot virtually everyday. I continued to live at home throughout college. This may have been a mistake because I missed out on alot of social experiences that come with living away from home. Despite this, I managed to lose my virginity to a quite attractive girl. I managed a relationship with her that lasted about 6 months. This was when I was 19 years old. It was shortly after this time that my bipolar disorder began to manifest itself. Combined with the NVLD it made for a tough life going forward.
I am 29 years old now and still have not had a relationship longer then the one I had when I was 19. I attribute this to both the social deficits of NVLD and the anxiety of the bipolar disorder. As many of my neurotypical friends developed long-term relationships with the opposite sex, I began to feel inferior. The worse I felt about myself, the harder it became for me to approach girls. I took meds for the bipolar but they made me feel like crap.
When I was 25 I found a girl that I liked who seemed to like me too. The problem was by this time I was really socially anxious. I remember one time a large group of my friends where meeting at a restaurant. The girl I liked called me and said she was going as well. Because of my lack of social awareness I didn't pick up the cue that she had called me because she wanted to make sure I was going because she felt comfortable around me. I got to the restaurant and she sat across from me. I just sat there awkwardly and didn't say much (social anxiety, poor social skills). A few of my friends had been at the restaurant for awhile and announced they were leaving. Suddenly, I got up and announced I was leaving as well. I had probly only been there like 20 minutes. As I was driving I realized I had just made a huge social error. The girl that I liked really didn't know that many of the people left at the restaurant. I had basically just left her with a bunch of strangers. It was never the same with her after that. Her flirtatious behavior toward me ended. She stopped calling me. Eventually she dated a close friend of mine for about a year. The friend lived right down the street from me. I had to drive by his house everyday and see her car parked in his driveway. It was the worst year of my life. My confidence was completely destroyed. I realized that I would probably never have another relationship. My brain just wasn't wired right.
Recently, because of my depressed state I quit my job and now have no income. If I don't find a job in the next 2 months I will be completely broke and will have to beg my family to support me. They very well may refuse to support me with the way I have treated them. My Bipolar disorder caused me to treat my parents poorly. They would cook dinner for me every night and ask me about my day. I would respond by snapping at them defensively (mania, poor social understanding). Afterward I would feel awful about it (depression).
I know this is a long post and thanks alot for taking a look at it. Overall, I would say my NVLD led to my eventual struggle with bipolar and social anxiety. If anyone else has a similar story I'd love to hear it.
29 Sep 2010, 3:03 am
