a curious nt

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I’m a NT and I don’t mean to disparage aspies/autistics, im simply interested in what is going on in their minds. I want to know how it is that people with asd don’t notice how differently they act than NTs. There’s a guy in my calculus class that clearly exhibits characteristics of someone with asd. Along with his unusual manner of speaking, dressing and presenting himself, he frequently does things like answer rhetorical questions asked by the teacher and pick at his skin in class in a very unflattering way. He appears to be an intelligent person, so why doesn’t notice that no one else does these things? It seems like he just doesn’t pay attention to what he or anyone else is doing. I feel that if he applied his intellect to social situations he could compare his behavior to everyone else’s and see that the things he does are unusual.

I've been diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum. Like your classmate, I dress in an unusual way and pick at my skin in front of other people. However, it's not that I don't realize that what I'm doing is inappropriate, it's just that I really don't care. I don't understand rules about fashion or why most people think zits are disgusting. If I don't understand the rules then why should I have to follow them?

consideration for other people perhaps? for instance, when my classmate answers rhetorical questions it takes up class time and frustrates the teacher and students. also when he picks at his skin or repetitively taps his foot it's very distracting.

There's something we call "stimming" because when shrinks see us do it, they call it "self-stimulatory behavior" (whereas when you do it, it's called "doing stuff because it feels good" if it's questioned seriously enough for you to come up with a word). The fact is, we have certain sensory needs. Our nervous systems work a little differently from yours. In some ways, they're the same-- we seek pleasure and avoid pain, and sometimes "cover" pain with pleasure (like when you eat ice cream when you're sad, say). We need to feel some things.

Like how when you're angry, it's hard to hold in the desire to hit something, or when you're sad it's hard not to cry, or when you're happy it's hard to keep a straight face. And there are things you need to do to stay on an even keel-- you need your friends, you need food, etc.

So to keep ourselves going, humming along smoothly, we need certain sensations. Sometimes almost constantly. Sometimes we have stims that we do every waking moment. (You have stims, too, but most people share yours, so they're not considered strange.)

In that case, assuming we can pick up on the fact that we're not "supposed" to stim (why not? Just because you'll think less of us? Shall I go dye my hair just because some people prefer redheads?), it can be a choice between looking normal and being able to function.

We can easily learn intellectually what a rhetorical question is, but it's hard to tell that a specific question is rhetorical. We further don't generalize easily, so if you tell one of us "that question was rhetorical" we will know that... that single question was rhetorical. And that will not help us identify OTHER rhetorical questions. (Want to know how bad we are at generalizing? I learned to read over and edit any written work in English before showing it to anyone. Then I learned to check my work after doing a math problem. Then I learned that I should read over what I've written if I've written it in Japanese. Then I learned that when I take a Chemistry test, I should check my answers before I turn it in. THEN I went "oh, hey! There's a pattern here! In academic subjects, when I have an assignment to turn in, or in writing, whether fiction or nonfiction, time permitting, I should look over what I've done before allowing anyone else to see it." And I JUST NOW realized that that should apply to forum posts. This will be the first one I've looked over.)

If you have any other questions, or if you didn't understand my response, feel free to ask! I'm glad you're trying to understand rather than just condemning.

thank you, this is all very informative. i have an inkling that i'm a bit further down the autistic spectrum than the average person so i can relate to aspies/etc and i sort of root for them and want to them to try to act NT.

Some may just not be instinctually programmed to compare themselves to everyone else and constantly worry about fitting in properly. I don't think the attitude that his behaviors are apparently "correctable" (from your point of view) and the he should "know better" is a good justification for having prejudice though.

Not that the majority of us really stick out like sore thumbs as much as you think based on this one individual. However, I'd probably be a lot less depressed if I was oblivious to the prejudices of the world.

I'm on the spectrum and I do notice that I don't act or dress the same way as everybody else. For me, it's a conscious choice. I like the 60s and my favourite rock group is The Kinks. I also don't like being female, so what am I likely to do?

I knowingly wear vintage clothes of the unisex type...pea coats in particular. I also get my hair cut, the way that Mick Avory had it in the Summer of 1964. Here is a perfect example of how I look, and I am proud of my looks.
I look like this when I'm in my finest clothes, except my jacket would button on the other side:



Am I aware? Yes. Do I feel out of place? I don't because I'm just being myself and doing my own thing.

I feel that if the general population were more understanding and accepting of individual differences of all types, the world would be a happier and safer place for everybody. Just imagine a world, where everybody can go out walking after dark.

In other words, I'm not going to live for today in the present, if I don't care for the Post 20th Century World so far. I know that I'll get cornered by another member for saying this.

don't blame the aspie for answering the rhetorical questions... blame the teacher for asking them!

i my self ask many rhetorical questions to people... that is, rhetorical mainly to me apparently, since i often ask these questions because i am wondering why NT's act like they do, especially if they really knew the answers to these questions!

so actually i am asking a real question, since irrational NT-behavior urges me to ask!

but many NT's get really annoyed when i ask questions like that, because they rather often know the answer... and thus instantly realizing that their behavior, once again, is irrational and doesn't match general knowledge, and thus is very stupid and dumb.

they hate me for doing that all the time.

so if a teacher would ask a rhetorical question in my class, i would consider to answer it too... since i would think that he is really asking because some others behave irrational, and need to be reminded of that.

why else would he ask such a question?

When I was in junior high school and even high school, I did what you would refer to as "stupid" stuff in class. I acted out, I dressed poorly. I can remember looking at the other girls and attempting to dress cool like them, but I just couldn't get it right no matter what I did.

I definitely noticed that I was different from the other girls, but I just didn't care. I took pride in being weird. At the same time I really did wanna fit in, but I couldn't change myself to do that.

Another thing to consider is that to act 'more NT' can take considerable effort. By way of analogy, a color blind person CAN'T combine certain colors in ways that a normal person can. But with effort and planning, they can have a wardrobe that is spot on for the NT eye. But this planning and organization takes time and effort - time and effort the color blind person may wish to apply to something else. For someone on the spectrum, to stop stimming takes effort. I have to monitor myself and MAKE myself stop. I have only so much energy and so many brain cycles to use in a day. If I think better and am more productive by loosening up a bit on this self editing, then I'm inclined to do so. The downside of this is that NTs are put off and it can limit opportunities because of the social implications. We on the spectrum are in a Catch 22. We can spend energy not offending people in a world of rules we not only don't understand but often don't even perceive, becoming frustrated because we cannot live as ourselves, or we can live more within our autistic tendencies and be ridiculed and scorned by the NT worlds. Not much of a choice. It should not be surprising that many Aspies develop a hostile attitude towards social norms and really don't care one whit what the rules are.

nt123, I have to pick up on the "consideration for others" bit.

Someone I knew once saw an old lady at a busy street corner and went to help her across the street. She was loudly reproached - the old lady did not feel in need of help.

This is how it is with me and certain NT types I know [I will not speak for you and your calculus class, though I have some ideas]. I will in fact do my best to be "a good citizen" in my interactions; but I cannot understand and predict when a remark will come across as offensive, sometimes even when I know the other well. And HE is actually doing what he can to be fair and friendly to me - and does things that hurt or offend me all the time.

I have found the mind blindness works both ways. I do not realy get him - he does not really get me.

Consideration - have you ever been rebuked for, let's say, eating too fast or eating too slowly or eating something that disgusts the other person? And if so, have you consistently been able to predict and avoid the prolematic behavior?

No two minds are the same, and a lot of the perceptions of "consideration" have to do with who is in the majority. I assume your Aspie is not going out of his way to annoy - but I have seen NTs choose to be obnoxious.

I apologize if I came acossed as being blunt. I didn't know any other way of saying what I had to say.

Why don't you root for NTs to act more aspie instead? We tend not to be duplicitous, wear our inadequacies on our sleeves - no choice here, we can't really hide the obvious problems - and are far more reliable if offered a genuine hand of friendship.

If you truly want to relate to people on the scale, stop seeing their behaviour as something which needs to be remedied. And you've mentioned that you don't even know if your classmate has been diagnosed. Why not ask? If the answer is yes, think about educating your classmates instead of judging. Perhaps then I'd accept your assertion that you 'root for them'.

He probably doesn't know they are rhetorical questions and he thinks he is the first person to answer them or not one else knows the answer and only he does. He may not realize he is doing it because I sure didn't until my English teacher told me. I had no memory of it. It's like amnesia. I don't pay that much attention to what I do so I may not realize I do things until it's pointed out and I am shocked.

Picking at his skin, it's probably hard for him to not do it and as Idahorose says, he probably doesn't even care what others think. I was the same way and still am.

Also another thing is he could be into his own world too much so he doesn't notice what goes on around him. I get like that.

Are you sure he does not, or are you just assuming he apparently must not?


So then, you are assuming whatever "anyone else" might be doing should determine his own behaviour?


That would be a thought or theory of yours rather than a feeling ... and I do not understand why so many people allow their emotions to control their thoughts and actions!

In my own case, however, I seem to "feel invisible" much of the time while thinking (or at least not realizing) "anyone else" even notices me or whatever I am doing unless something I might happen to say or do actually attracts specific attention.