Tired of fighting

Post Reply New Topic

Hi All, This is my first post. I'm a 53 yo female just self diagnosed AS. I know some of you think that because I didn't pay $1000's to have someone who doesn't know me from Adam tell me that yes, this sounds like you. Because I didn't spend all this money that I don't have, I'm not really AS. I really don't care what you think. If there was a black and white diagnosis I could get or some pill I could take that would make AS go away and I would magically be better, I would find a way to pay the fee. But there isn't.

I have had a thyroid condition for over 20 years now. Every doctor I see tells me something different and they all are sure the last doctor is a quack and should have his/her licence removed. Only one of them ever treated me and the way I felt, the rest treated my lab test. This one doctor told me that of all the conditions he studied the thyroid condition is the only one where the doctors are taught to treat a lab test. Everything else treats the patient and uses the lab test as a conformation only. His wife came down with the same thyroid condition I have and he was treating her but she wasn't getting any better till he realized this. When he started treating her and not her lab test, she got better.

I feel the same thing would happen with trying to find an official AS diagnosis. If each doctor had a different opinion, who's opinion should I believe. I would be more confused than I am already. As there is no cure for this conditon and it is something you have to learn to live with and adapt to, then this works fine for me.

I don't have insurance, nor do I have the desire to be a guinea pig for some doctor to use so he can write a paper and make more money off my misery. As long as I can find what I need here and find things that work to help me understand this condition, I'll continue to use what's here. It's like if I've been looking for a certain recipe and find it for free online, I'm not going to buy a big cookbook because the recipe isn't any good if you don't pay for and use the recipe you got from the whole book. That would be a waste of precious money.

I've struggled my whole life not fitting in and shutting down at times when I couldn't deal with what was going on around me. I used to be told I was passive aggressive if I didn't get my way. I wasn't, I just couldn't deal with whatever was going on at the time. More times than not I would give in to whatever even though it made me feel soooo uncomfortable. It seemed like the best thing at the time. It's what everyone else expected me to do. I could never stand up for myself.

I would start projects, get all excited and then something would happen to require a big alteration in the original plans and I would withdraw. Finding this site and the information here has helped me to see during my whole life the person I've been fighting the most is in fact ME! I will never be a social butterfly and for me to keep trying because someone else thinks I should makes me dislike myself more and more each day because it will always be uncomfortable for me. I'm learning I need to trust my gut on some of this or I'm just miserable.

I had a job I loved and in the research I've done lately explain why I loved it so much. It wasn't just the money which was good, but it was the routine. I had a supervisor who would give me a list first thing Monday morning on everything I needed to get done by Friday. He would then leave me alone to do it. I had another man that made parts for me and between the two of us we made that boss look good. Give either one of us a accurate list and it was all done. I had an order I would work, first do a check to see what I needed for parts, get them, make small parts, then assemble them. I would color code my sheet so at any time this boss could look at it and know exactlly what was done and what he could hand out for assembly. Was wonderful, worked like a well oiled machine.

This boss decided he wanted a different spot. New supervisor, new way of doing things. Nothing ordered like it was before, everything random and I no longer liked my job. I lost that job because I couldn't adapt. Now I have a terrible time keeping jobs. I went back to school so I could get a good paying job, but that's not working so good either. I have a couple of teachers that are really hard to keep up with, they change their minds with every class as to what is due and when. I can't keep up.

My whole life I've had people tell me what to do, because it works for them. It doesn't work for me. I prefer to work alone. I prefer the quiet of solitude and have many projects that I work on alone that give me satisfaction. I've decided to stop fighting myself and just let myself be. I have 6 children and while they were growing up I would always tell them to honor who they are and not care what other people think. Do what is best for them. I'm going to take my own advice and try to not care what other people think and quit fighting myself and allow myself to honor who I am. Discovering my AS side has helped a lot with that. My life pieces finally fit together. Do I get lonely, at times yes, but most of the time no. I have kids who call and we visit and that is fine. I like text messages. I can deal with them when I want to.

Got word at my current job there might be a big lay off just before Christmas and I'm on that list. They will be eliminating my department. Now if I can find a new job where I can work alone and not have to be a social butterfly. I'll be fine. Going to take care of me and do things that feel comfortable to me.

Nice to meet you all. Thanks for this site and all the good information you share.

Welcome Home

You seem to assume that everyone here will judge you because you're self diagnosed, but don't worry that isn't the case. When I first came to this site for help and advice I didn't have a diagnosis of a AS and I felt like people treated me just fine. You're always going to get a few people who assume that they're somehow better or more important than you because they've got the label but you should just ignore them.

This site was not created to cause discrimination between diagnosed and self diagnosed people with AS, it is a community for every one who feels as if they can't understand the world and hence the name, feel as if they are on the wrong planet!

So welcome

_________________
I have HFA, ADHD, OCD & Tourette syndrome. I love animals, especially my bunnies and hamster. I skate in a roller derby team (but I'll try not to bite )

Hello nicelady and as Aimless said, welcome home

Welcome to our universe.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

The WP Kink

Thanks for the welcome. I truely did feel like I was from another planet, hatched maybe, but never felt like I really had a home. It was so much more than women are from venus kind of thingy. I never felt like I was from venus anyway, but more like some far away planet that hadn't been discovered yet. All my life I was told, you got the talent, just put your mind to it. Didn't usually work. Been floundering most of my 53 years. Going to take some doing to overcome all of that. Someday I hope to move to get a fresh start somewhere else where no one knows what I was like 'before' so they will only judge me by the now.

This finding out has been somewhat of a relief to me, but this research has really messed up my end of the semester projects. Not sure I'm going to pass the interview to be able to go on for my teachers degree. Not sure I can do it now. Too many things about me that don't fit so good in a teaching setting. I am studying FCS ed. (Family and Consumer Science) Really struggling with a couple of classes.

Welcome

Welcome to the club. My wife for years dealt with a thyroid issue - some tests and some physicians yes, Some said hey, you don't need the supp but have some anyway. Glad to say she has been off it a while now.

A diagnosis has to come with chrome trim and a year of gas fill-ups to make that hassle worth it at your age and mine.