Hi. To be direct -- I'm going to write some things about myself/my life, and I would like to know whether y'all think I qualify as having AS. I know everyone has problems, 'NT' or otherwise,, but I believe there's something odd about mine.
I'll try not to be verbose or boring, but there's quite a lot to say.
I'm the 4th and youngest child of my mom. When I was young, I was very shy. I remember that I would hide behind corners when people visited and I would watch or listen to them talk with my family.
I'll skip most of my childhood. But a few things may be relevant.
Since I can remember, I've avoided looking into people's eyes. I would try to force myself to do it but usually looked away. I still don't do it without forcing myself.
I've always tended to talk quietly. When I was young, my speech was apparently difficult to understand. My mom and others often said I "mumbled", and they wanted to send me to some speech therapy class, but I didn't go.
I've rarely had more than one or two close friends throughout my life, and usually when I have 1 or 2, I avoid forming relationships with others. I think that's not very unusual, but I don't know. Currently the people I regularly interact with or have a desire to interact with consists of... 1 person. And that's an online relationship, though we use webcams.
I'm the quietest in my family, almost never talked to my parents and still don't, almost never talk generally and have received ~1,000,000,000,000 comments about it throughout my life. I smile often when I'm talking to people, and many people say I'm "always smiling". The smiles aren't fake -- I don't know what they are, but I am a fairly happy person... except for a few problems. Anyway, when I'm not engaged in some kind of conversation with people my face is quite expressionless, but... I think that's fine, and natural. Maybe it's natural to feel a desire to move one's facial muscles to communicate feelings... but I certainly don't have that desire. My smiles are automatic. I hate faking emotions.
I can be, and have been, very talkative to my closest friend at any time.
Hm... When I was around people during my childhood, I almost never talked but always listened and observed. I learned a lot about people, and I know a lot about them, but, I do not apply that knowledge very effectively. Throughout my life I've always been afraid to ask for help, and always felt like I should figure things out myself. Maybe that's somewhat normal, but I think my case is extreme. And I think that fear is a major reason for why I have very few relationships, but I think it doesn't necessarily indicate AS.
Currently I am 21. During the past several years, I've had periods of: depression, contentment and happiness although still lacking social skills, brief motivation to be more social followed by disappointment and lack of motivation (people's stupidity and immorality disappoint me...argh, and I base their 'morality' on whether or not they make their self happy... people who hurt others and are unhappy are the worst...), fairly frequent feeling of hopelessness of getting what I want (I want a family, in which my mate and I are happy, and I want the ability to raise an intelligent, able, and eventually independent child. I also want to teach people to understand and satisfy their desires).
I think my desire is normal for an intelligent man, but that's not necessarily related to my social problems. Oh, also... I do tend to disregard people's feelings in conversation, but I am aware of their feelings. I disregard them because I value truth very much and I expect them to do the same, or else debate and in some cases communication is pointless, and I don't tolerate willful ignorance. I think that's another issue, and I know why I should ignore their ignorance and play along some times... I value having relationships more than I value always telling people when they're wrong.
In my mid-late teen years, my mom told me that she used to suspect I had autism or AS, but we never went to a professional, maybe because I function 'well enough'.
I do try to do what's best for myself, but most of the time I seem naturally inclined to avoid social interaction, and in many cases it's because of fear I feel when I consider socializing. I know socializing is not really harmful to me, but there's still a powerful force originating in my brain preventing me from doing it.
Even when I think about it enough and force myself to act, the motivation is temporary and soon goes away, so I have to continually struggle to do things which are physically simple but emotionally, unreasonably terrifying. I'm actually okay with struggling, as long as I succeed.
So... Has anyone made it through all of this? My request is for any comments you wish to share, and specifically whether you think I might have AS. I don't know the biological causes of AS, but in any case I intend to forcefully work against my tendencies and effectively pursue my desires, without medicine and preferably without professional counseling.
11 Oct 2010, 1:18 pm
