Having a "hidden disability" frustrating at times

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I am sure like many here I have what are best called "hidden disabilities" and I think as the result of this it makes me stand out which ever group I am in. For example when I was with "normal" people in college they hinted I was odd, different etc and I found out they were saying things like this behind my back. However when I go to Special Needs groups I have heard others say "he looks normal", "you stand out" and I feel "different" because I clearly do stand out comapred to most people there. This makes me think at times that I am a phony and don't belong in the group. I am the one of the highest functioning/most able I guess I come across as normal although physically I do have weak/low muscle tone and tend to stick my foot out when I walk (someone in college pointed out I walk "funny").

Does anyone feel like this? I do get on wth both groups but I never feel I really fit in completely with either of them. I often feel kind of out of sync because of this even with my family at times.

I don't get it though because it seems when I am with people with learning difficulties I am too normal but with regular people they give the impression I am odd.

Any thoughts?

It's one reason I'd rather have one of my arms chopped off. Or be born with a Down's Syndrome instead, whichever one works.

I honestly quit caring what people thought. That solved it for me.

I don't care what people think of me. I play the cards that I've been dealt.

It can get really annoying. It's like you don't really fit in anywhere. But I guess that's what this website is for.

I never fit in and when I'm with a group they love to point out my oddities. People assume you understand things you don't and I think it confuses them when you don't respond accordingly. And that's why my social time is spent here. My WP friends "get it".

League girl has a good point. Still, it does matter to me on some level what others think of me, so I try my best in social situations.

"Normal" is a relative term: in a flock of black sheep, it is the white sheep that appears odd.

I've had a fun time with this concept. I have TWO hidden disabilities.

First is my Asperger's. I'm a fairly classical high-IQ aspie. That means few people consider the guy who graduated cum laude in his class from a top 25 MBA school to be mentally disabled. At the same time, I can't order a pizza because I hate talking to strangers on the phone.

Second is my auto-immune disease. I've got a rare disorder that is similar to highly aggressive Lupus. This causes the slow destruction and failure of several of my soft-tissue organs: colon, liver, pancreas and joints. So, how do I explain to my boss that the reason I can't make a meeting is because my hepatic encephalopathy is bad right now and that is causing asterixes, asticies temporary amnesia, oh - and my breath smells like cat pee?


Here is what I've figured out. I'm not really all that disabled. My AS doesn't limit me. It does make me vulnerable in certain ways, stupid in some ways, and immature in many ways. But it also gives me a special insight that NT's lack. NT's suffer from an inability to prioritize. They can only see one or two solutions to any problem based on their past experience and immediately disregard all other alternatives. Not only do I not do that - I'm not capable of ONLY seeing one or two solutions. I can see many solutions. I've trained myself to evaluate all these solutions and tease out the most important one's. Normally, this matches what an NT will think. But in unusual or new situations, my AS allows me to quickly solve a problem before the NT's even understand how big it is. Which is probably why I migrated into investment banking work.

So I don't explain my AS to people. I'm fine with people seeing me as an egotistical, conceited, condescending narcissist. As long as I'm right most of the time, this image is positive for my goals and career and society accepts in in large, intelligent men. Being seen this way gives the illusion of self-confidence, even when the little voice in my head is actually screaming at me, "are you sure, are YOU SURE!! !". The hardest part is that I have to keep up my physique by working out, which I hate. Society can't stand loud-mouthed out of shape know it all "Comic Book Guys". I have to look the part to get away with it, and that costs me 45 minutes a day on the bike and weights.

My hidden physical disability is harder. How do I hide a stutter caused by encephalopathy? What if the boss catches me when I fall asleep at my desk from my co-morbid sleep disorder. Does my boss notice that I go to the bathroom more than six times a day because of ulcerative colitis? How do I cope with liver pain without using narcotics at work? God help me if the boss ever wants me to pee in a cup. "Sedition. Your drug test shows provigil, hydrocodone, duradrin, and unusually high levels of ibuprofen. Can you explain that?" "What, you didn't feel like testing for MAO inhibitors too?"


I found that a spouse is best. Co-dependency is a boon me. I don't even consider my wife a separate person. She's just another extension of me. One who is good at remembering where I'm supposed to be and when. She also does laundry, which is ok, I do all the cooking. Of course, then the food is cooked the way I like it. The hard part is finding a person who can put up with me. Well, ok, put up with me AND didn't have more baggage than Lindsey Lohan. Why do aspies attract freaks and psychos for relationships? Sheesh.

AS is only a hidden disability to those who have don't know what to look for. Unfortunately, that's most people.

As far as most people go, I do not care what they think, because they do not know me so it really doesn't matter. People who form opinions about others with little to no understanding of who they are are just judgmental creeps.

When it does matter though, such as in the case of my children's teachers, school staff, doctors, therapists etc. I make it a point to reveal it as much as I can. I TALK to them about it. I don't give them a choice but to consider it as part of who I am. I know some of even these people might be dismissing it because they either can't see it or don't understand it, or both. But that is exactly why I do put it out in the open. Yes, some of these people, it is obvious, don't take it seriously. When it comes to those people, depending on who they are, I may either move on to someone else who will listen (such as doctors and therapists), or, in the case of teachers and school staff, who we don't have a choice but to deal with, I let their refusal to take it seriously become THEIR problem.

For example, when teachers or school staff do not take our children's or our own disabilities seriously, the problem of whether school work gets done or not becomes theirs, and we no longer help.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink, as they say. Let THEM bang their heads against the walls if they won't take it seriously.

I surprise people when I do mention I'm an aspie to them. I come off as perfectly normal 90% of the time. I had bus drivers hassle me about my disability when I flash my RTC card at them for disabled fare though.