Hello,
Sorry for the long read in advance.....any help would be greatly appreciated...
I recently discovered that I have AS. Im 28 and Ive also been sexually molested as a child, I grew up with an extremely narcissistic mother, my parents never showed me affection, love, they way of showing me they loved me, was by smothering me with material things. Recently, through diet, soul searching and a desire for self improvement, I found out a lot about myself. The biggest thing was when I was dealing with a woman that I was interested in. I noticed that things werent going well and our communication was off. I looked into narcissism and many off my actions were pegged. The manipulation, mimicking of emotions, saying things just to please her, feeling as though she was merely a possession I had to have. I kept researching and I discovered AS. And damn, for once in my life there was clarity, I had answers to all the little quirks I had. I was a game changer for me. Now, even though Ive only known for a month, I feel like I have control now and I can think my way through things, instead of having no idea why anything is happening.
Heres the situation now, I recently moved to London and I wanted nothing more than to work at Whole Foods. I worked there before, in NYC and I wanted to continue that, in a place, London, which I consider being the place where I want to life my life at the moment, more than anywhere else in the world. So, I went to the WF's and I talked to someone working there. They were really nice and gave me the time of day. he told me how he got his job there, by walking upstairs to where the managers are and gave them his resume. That seemed to be the end of his advice and I walked away, thanked him and planned to do what he suggested. A moment later, he shouted for me and came back to see me. He said, hey, my department is hiring, would you be interested in that job. I said of course. He told me to come back the following day and I could meet with his boss.
I come back the next day and he leads me upstairs. He has me wait while he goes in as he talks to his boss. He comes out shortly and says, *wink, wink* Your mom is my sister from Texas *wink, wink* I thought, ok, thats cool, better chance I get the job. I figured, a small white lie wont be too much harm, plus, she probably wont even ask any details about it. The interview went well, she pretty much gave me the job on the spot, I just had to meet with the store manager at a later date. During the interview, she asked about our relationship and I stumbled throught it, but I kept the story. When he initially told me what he did, I asked for some details, his last name, where hes from, cause he didnt mention anything other than what he said. Quite nonchalant about it, I didnt want to go into there unprepared.
Everything was fine, I thanked him for going out of his way to help me out and went on about my day. Later that evening, I got an email from her and she wanted to know if we were related by blood or related by family association, for job purposes, people in the same family cant work in the same department. I replied, "We're not blood, but we are basically family". I felt really weird right as I sent that back to her. At that point I decided to go back to the store so I could tell him what happened so we had our story straight, but on my way there, right after I left my place, I realized I had to tell her the truth, I couldnt live with starting a career thats based on a lie, I couldnt look her in the face if I did, I would feel terrible.
I spoke to her and told her, I told her how sorry I was and that I would like a shot at redemption. From her body language, I got the feeling that she was upset by the news and she shook my hand and said thanks for telling me. She mentioned also that its a testament to my honesty that would do that. But, being AS Im usually wrong with body language. She said she would have to think some more about this. I sent her an email as soon as I got home. I started to get frantic, my mind started to race. I told her the absolute truth about what happened. I started to think that she wouldnt hire and make sure that I couldnt be hired by any WF's ever. That the guy who helped me would get fired and he'd then come after me and want to harm me. I took blame for everything, it was all my fault.
I had to bring myself down, so I began to write to my friends and facebook chat with them. I never used to rely on friends for that, now I do and it helped a lot, this will help a lot too. I need a helping hand with these things, I only know how to stress and think about suicide or running away to cope. I felt that one of the emails I wrote to a friend was so open and honest that I decided to also share it with the lady too. I may hear back from here soon, but Im not too sure.
Its just so scary what I can do to myself. I wasnt at fault, I was put in a loose loose situation. He didnt tell me what he was going to say, I assumed he would just put in a good word for me, "hey, I got a guy looking for work, I think he'll work out for this." Since he was being so nice, I trusted he would do whats best. Im really scared that he could loose his job, I want to protect him from that, I guess that my abuse victim mentality. I also feel like I wronged the lady too. I feel like its all my fault, they will both hate me, and he'll come after me when he loses his job over this. Thats all my mind thinks. I can tell myself that I dont know what going to happen, I can be rational, but its not strong enough to believe. I still revert and rely on these tactics that hurt me. But, now that I share these things with others and I can be honest with myself, although not completely yet, I feel better than I would about this in the past.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Ironically, Im 6'5", strong and well built. I dont realize that, Im afraid of anyone who has a strong personality, male or female, and I immediately always think that if I disappoint them, they will react harshly, and it will result in bodily harm to me and death. Letting all this out has been great for my coping. How do I get better at this? How can I avoid situations like this? Ugh.
28 Nov 2010, 10:16 pm
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