Who Am I?

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The more and more I think about AS traits and take all the online tests and quizes, the more I'm realising just how much I've covered things up to prevent people noticing.
From mimicking, through to embelishing on the truth to hiding behind a stoner persona and more besides, I've always known I wasn't as good as others at things so have tried to cover my tracks.

So on to the point of this thread, As I've been thinking about it more recently (Due to returning here a few months ago and also talking to my GP about diagnosis, amongst other things) and the more I do, the more I realise that I don't really know who I am. I've spent to much of my life trying to be something I'm not that I've not allowed myself to be me. I'm feeling quite lost in this respect right now, It's better since my medication kicked in but I still have an empty feeling. Has anyone else experienced anything similar?

I made almost the same post at one point:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/posts139691-highlight.html

I hope this helps, I got some good advice..

Wow, I can't believe I missed that one, it is very similar! It seems you didn't get any responses once you clarified what you meant and only one response really relates to what I'm saying - It's not that I think I can be summed up by the symptoms of AS, it's that I've spent so much of my like trying to fit in with the crowd and hide my social deficiencies that I've not allowed myself to do things like pursue hobbies/interests that could be deemed odd, say everything that I want to (I often debate whether I should discuss certain topics in my head before verbalising) and just not generally being myself, that I don't really have any direction or to some extent, personality. I don't know who I really am.

After a bit I discovered that I am in fact more than a diagnosis. I also found a place (here) where I can talk freely without being thought of as a freak or worse. There are great people here who can relate to our being alike because we are different, as much a paradox as that sounds! In spite of our similarities, we are each unique. Here is where you can vent and be understood.

I completely get what you're saying but I don't think you're getting me.
I know there is more to us all than any diagnosis, my issue stems from before I'd even heard of AS and knew very little of autism in general either. As I just though I was inept at socialising and communication in general alongside making and keeping friends, I tried to hide it as I was embarased by it. As I noticed more things I was spending more time watching myself to ensure I didn't 'act stupid' and trying to do things in the right manner. It's been happening for so long that I'm not sure I've even developed a full personality at all, just a mash-up of other people's which I've picked up over many years. I want to be me but I've no idea where to start and I also find it quite scary - I've got a routine which, although I'd love to change it, It's comfortable.

I suppose it would be the aspies who've discovered in later life that are most likely to relate in some way?

Actually, I'm right there with you, I had never heard of Aspergers until a couple weeks ago, I thought all along that because I have a high IQ (not trying to be superior, or egotistical) that was why I got along with so few people. I did notice I did things people thought weird and "fixed" them. I created "masks" (set behaviors for certain situations) like smiling when I greeted people I knew for example, and certain phrases to say in others.. it is artificial, it is a way to adapt to social situations and not to seem so "different". Your social skills may be tools, but they are not who YOU are inside.

Understood. I consciously began seeing myself as a "chameleon" in my early 'teens, and I used to cringe whenever anyone would use the word "phony" for any reason at all or whenever someone (like a clergyman) might speak of alleged "double-mindedness". I was usually able to "fit in" at least well enough in most situations to not be completely on the outside all the time, yet I was always afraid of one or more people in one "circle of friends" finding out I was usually "someone else altogether" in another.

For the sake of my own sanity, today I work very hard at dropping all the above and just being whoever and/or whatever I am ... and being here on WP is definitely helping me figure that out.

I know what you're saying. Without my accommodating demeanor, I don't know who I am either - aside from being someone with 'controversial' beliefs - (quotes because that's what someone told me).

I always appreciate seeing your responses leejosepho! You always seem to get the situation perfectly, thanks for being around!

I have no trouble knowing who I am, along with the rest of the people on WP. That wasn't the case, three years ago. Back than, I was a young punk who lost her way and forgot who she was.