Are Aspergians really rude and inconsiderate?

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One common characteristic of people with Asperger's is that we are more or less blind to the non verbal communications of others. As a result, we find ourselves forever saying and doing the wrong thing, with the best of intentions. We're described as arrogant, aloof, uncaring and inconsiderate.

I contend that we are none of those things. I believe we are simply blind, emotionally.

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http://www.wrongplanet.net/article391.html

Most people I know like the character of Spock from Star Trek.

The fact he is a Vulcan validates his difference to 'normals'. Until people get told I'm autistic they dislike my manner.

Once they are informed of my autism, they say:

'oh thats why he's like that' and let me, be me with only minor issue

I can say both yes, and no to whether or not Aspies are insensitive.

My oldest has seemed insensitive to an individual's feelings. Oddly enough, though, he can be very caring for the world at large -- he just can't "notice" the feelings of a person right next to him (unless it's his wife -- then he's incredibly caring).

On the other hand, my youngest has ALWAYS been very good at understanding the feelings of others. He is often the only one in my family to notice if I'm having a rough day. He is also becoming very good at understanding his own feelings. Every once in a while I think "hey, isn't this supposed to be what he's NOT good at?"

Yeah, definitely not inconsiderate. There are probably plenty who have given up on even trying "polite" behavior, knowing they appear rude, but there are probably even more who still do give it good effort.

Luckily, in my mind "it will make my mom nag me less (not that she was constantly nagging and nothing else)" was a good enough reason to keep up with "polite" behaviors, even if they made no sense. So today I have no trouble keeping up with it.

Alex, I wouldn't think that all aspergians are rude and inconsiderate but some may have issues with these social issues I would have imagined.

Me on the other hand are the opposite apart from when I'm really frustrated about something but I mainly look back at the past and at the same time really worry about my future.

I've been able to make some friends because of this nature that I have in my personality and basically, I just prefer to go my own direction in life.

But this is only depending on what type of person and how they were brought up.
Sometimes, that can be one of the reasons why and what they have went through in their past experience.

I don't think many Aspies intend to be crude or impolite deliberately. Some are just socially inept.

ruveyn

I think reading people goes both ways and a little education and practice can go a long way. Just as we might need to work on reading the modes of expression of the NT's in our lives, they also might need some help learning ours. It can be a tough process, but it's doable.

The article seems to focus on AS male/NT female relationships (just like most other books and articles on AS relationships do!!), but I'd say my experience has been similar, in that I've found it more helpful to have someone in my life who compliments my traits, as opposed to someone exactly like me.

The best relationship I've ever had (romantic, platonic or otherwise) has been with a guy with a very high level of emotional intelligence, who is a 'people person' to the extreme. We dated for years and were engaged for a while before I was dx'd with AS and it was hard on both of us because, although we cared about each other very much, we had constant misunderstandings. Post-dx, we both learned a lot, now get along much better and have remained best friends.

We both are very empathetic people and work in the 'helping professions.' (He's a Pastor/Counselor and I'm a Social Worker). But, he was always much better than me at demonstrating his empathy for people. Now that he understands where I'm coming from, he's helped me out in that area and is my go-to person for advice on inter-personal situations. I'm also able to give him fair, unbiased advice, when he needs to see things from another perspective.

I think the average person with aspergers is as deliberately rude, hurtful and inconsiderate as the average NT.

But I also think that all self centered people (AS or NT) are ruder, not on purpose, but because they stick their foot in it inadvertantly or don't consider others feelings/ recognise the impact of their actions.

I think the more immature/inexperienced a person is in life, the more they are likely to be accidently rude and it does seem as if many AS people lack the knowledge/tools to aquire that knowledge and avoid inadvertently hurting others. Those that have learnt to consider others are often very polite when they've realised what they were doing wrong.

Some are just like any normal person who is and not all normal people are rude and inconsiderate either. Same as with aspies.

I do relate to what Robinson says about his wife falling and not being hurt. Why show concern if she isn't hurt? Why make a fuss about it? She is okay, move on. I don't think that is rude and inconsiderate at all.

One thing that can be considered rude is an Aspies tendency to speak the truth without thinking of the social consequences of doing so. For example a number of years ago I'd been dating a woman for a few months and she asked me if I loved her. I didn't even think about the consequences of my reply, I simply replied truthfully and without hesitation "No, but I like you." After she had finished crying the relationship went downhill and we broke up soon afterwards.

I think it's a difference in social priorities and values.

For example, I can only speak for myself but anytime someone points out my rudeness for just speaking an opinion, I can also call them a hypocrite for how many times they have been rude to people that didn't even deserve it.

One person is suave, wants to pretend they are interested in everything someone else is interested in, wants to be the favorite, views everything as a social competition, doesn't like the truth because the truth to them hurts, wants to keep up a facade. Anyone else that isn't like them is a threat and could unfold their game.

The other person is blunt, will talk about their interests and not pretend to share common interests if it's not true, already knows they aren't the favorite, may like video game competition but detests social competition, would rather know the real reason why and the truth but is often left in the dark, feels like they have to wear a mask in order to not be penalized for just being there. Anyone that isn't like them is a threat and could spread lies and cause a witch hunt.

When it all comes down to it though, all humans have somethings in common. Why must we all become these little splices of magnified data disks to examine and eliminate, act prejudice and unkind towards?

Bullies get treated better and in my opinion it's backwards. When that happens, it means someone is going to have to fight back.

Rude awakenings topic

If there is no intent or awareness, there is no rudeness.

Next.

To the topic question:

No, Aspies are not "really rude and inconsiderate". What we get blamed for in that area is because we don't have the automatic facial and body language responses to NTs. Add to that the fact that Aspies are, from a very young age, excluded from social interaction, and you could have a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Our fault or not, I've found that once the bullet leaves the barrel it doens't matter who shot it. I know in retrospect things I have said have genuinely hurt people, so it is definitely and issue we should at least approach with some gravity.

People can choose to be rude, whether or not they're on the spectrum. Clearly, if we have difficulty reading nonverbal signals, there will be miscommunication that can come off as rude. Sometimes people will be offended by my reaction to something they say and I find that it's just because I was being honest. I wasn't trying to be rude. Maybe I'm missing a cue card or something. I've seen NTs complain about things and then when face to face with the person connected with the problem they act like nothing's wrong. That confuses me. I think that's where rudeness or the impression of it comes in. If someone causes me problems I'm not good at hiding it. I guess that's rude.