Your outlook on having AS depending on when diagnosed

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(warning this is long)

I've only been able to put the term "aspergers" on myself in the last year or so after having a depressive breakdown and seeing a bunch of docs and psychologists. I'm 20 years old and a college student...I never even suspected I was autistic to any degree growing up, I had always forced the thoughts that "im normal, im normal, everyone has problems and these are mine, I just have like 50x more problems than other ppl" on myself to the point where I just thought of myself as the unluckiest person on earth because I had difficulty with social interaction with all ppl and in physical activity in terms of clumsiness (I was an athlete in high school). My parents were perfectionists so they kept denying that I had a problem and I should just suck it up. My father is like me, awkward and strange but has a big heart and tremendous determination...but he came from a very poor family and worked his a** off to become a PHD holding reknown dentist. as a result he has no sympathy for anybody because he had to come up from the bottom up all by himself...so my probs are jokes to him. My mother is Japanese and from Tokyo...and if you know anything about Japanese culture it values conforming to society and fitting in so she hammered all of my weirdness and gave little to no support.both refuse to think that im anything but normal.

I was made fun of for being overweight, stupid, awkward and odd from 7th-8th and to a much lesser degree in high school. Bullying turned into being ignored, which I preferred if given a choice between the two

I didnt let the social failures stop me though, I kept going and putting myself out there everyday because I did not want to become a lone recluse , that was something I would not accept cuz it was too scary to think about. I kept going to school , I tried very hard to make friends and I even worked my self to near death by joining the football and wrestling teams. That turned out to be the best decision i made in my life to this point because it boosted my social status significantly (I still wasnt super popular of anything but now ppl saw me as a awkward but nice guy since they would now give me the time of day).


It also boosted my self esteem tremendously because on the football field I mattered. The practices, running and working out made me physically better looking and quite strong, which in turn made me more confident. When I made a play my teammates would flock to me and congratulate me with huge smiles on their faces, coaches too. Having 5000+ ppl in the stands cheering at you and your efforts also made me feel like a real person for the first time....much of my life ive kept quiet or was see as odd so a lot of ppl just acted like i was part of the background most of the time....ive kind inevitably felt like I didnt even exist because ppl didnt even acknowledge my presence, or if they did it was obligatory. football saved my life, i made real bonds with my teammates and it gave me a hill to overcome, which I did. After all that, ive improved now I can 'fake' being like NT's because ive learned social skills and can have some confidence and charm (although still kinda awkward but not bad) when I am not anxious....but im not 'fixed' yet. I now have the ability to make friends with most kinds of ppl, I actually dove right in at college and became friends with ppl I would be terrified to approach in high school. Frat boys and sorority girls as well as built good looking guys (who I feel emasculated next to) and the partier/popular kids type of people. for the first time in my life I felt like a normal person, being treated like an equal and having attractive girls talk to me because they were genuinely interested (romantically or not) as well as having the confidence to start conversations with them. This confident facade was only possible because of blind animal perseverance and the desire to not be alone forever.

I am skilled enough to pass a quirky and maybe occasionally dim witted guy because I have learned to hold back things I am thinking. I tend to only speak when i am sure it will be relevant or funny...im also selectively mute with some ppl or when im anxious....so im improved but not 'fixed' yet.

Because I took the attitude of "I'm a normal person im not mentall ill or anything like that" for so long, my failures socially turned me into a depressed resigned person because I was convinced that I was socially inept, stupid, weird and a creep because of all the feedback ive gotten from the ppl around me thru my life. this has damaged my self esteem to the point where I've developed Borderline Personality Disorder. I only figured out my aspergers when I had a emotional breakdown from BPD and went to see a shrink. after three shrinks and two psychiatrists the diagnosis came out to be co-morbid Aspergers with ADHD as well as Borderline Personality Disorder and social anxiety....

All that being said, I now seem to have what I think of as two personalities. I have one personality which I present to NTs which comes across as me being very friendly and easy going, though naive (learned social skills allows this) for short periods of time. Once I make friends I cant keep them because if I spent prolonged periods of time with them, they start too see the aspergers and the weirdness and start drifting away from me or Ill cut them out myself before they can.....when this happens I get very depressed and anxious because its like most of my life to thispoint, acting normal as much as I can then having ppl leave me when they get close and see the "real" me. High school and college havnt been completly pointless though, I have 4 people who I consider real friends and great people These are ppl who think on deeper levels and like me for the non-social qualities I have which are lots of determination, a very unbiased 3rd party view on life and a big heart. ...I also have hundreds of acquaintances who im on good terms with (because I keep our friendships very superficial and dont let them get to close) but have no connection to...theres also a lot of others who think im weird, creepy, super awkward, or just an A**Hole from being inconsiderate/aloof.


The other personality is the depressed, bitter, lonely one that I let out when I'm alone or when I am having a breakdown. This version of me is full of anger, more anxiety than normal, narcissistic but feeling like a victim in every situation (not sure how I can be narcissistic but also feel victimized) when I am reacting to rejection or some problem. Usually I feel empty and devoid of purpose and personality.... and that I am just existing and not living. I go through the motions of living but I feel no happiness because I am so hopelessly alone in how I feel. Its like I'm such a good actor that many ppl cannot see that much wrong with me. I keep quiet to avoid awkward comments and I do not stim around other ppl. im not openly impaired enough to be autistic (in the eyes of others) to attribute the actions to the condition rather than the person being just weird. but im also not normal enough to fit in all the time....im in a strange borderland between the two.

does anybody else have this problem with the splitting of identity? I'm fearing im setting myself up for serious mental issues if i keep this up.

Also has anyone actively denied in their own heads that there was something wrong with them until diagnosed? I believe that I've experienced so much emotional pain when i was younger that my mind destroyed my sense of 'self' so that the rejection had nothing to affect. That is why i feel empty and like I have no genuine 'me' inside that sociable facade I put on in public

Thanks for reading all that, if i could get some feed back id appreciate it.
thanks
-mike

Last edited by tangomike on 24 Oct 2010, 3:10 am, edited 2 times in total.

oh yes can definitely relate to what you said. That makes a lot of sense.

I have to hand it to you that you played sports in HS. but yeah I feel like I know what you mean when you kind of have the skills sometimes.

I feel like that too, but it comes and goes.

I was diagnosed as an adult and yes, I can relate to your first question, but I have no fears. Keep in mind that you are okay, because you ARE okay. Also, before my diagnosis, I tended to swing back and forth between believing that I was perfectly normal and believing that I was the bizarrest creature on Earth. The "normal" side of me clung to the belief that I was only failing to grow and fit in because of a personal failing on my part. I was just not as tough as other people.

I lost much of my identity when growing up because I was trying so hard to be what people wanted and expected. My personality disintegrated. Now that I am aware of the Asperger's, I am rebuilding myself and learning all over gain just who I am and it is a great experience.

TLDR.

Just kidding, I did read parts of it.

I also knew I was different growing up and my parents kept telling me I was normal and I could never figure out why I couldn't be like everyone else. I figured if others treat me right and normal, I would be normal and I could never figure out why I was clumsy and not good but I figured I just needed more practice. I also thought I had to try harder to fit in. I did sports too as a kid but not much.

My dad is also socially awkward and he used to tell me "You learn as you get older" "Things get better when you grow up" and I used to not believe him and you know what, he was actually right. I have noticed how grown ups are more mature and they don't bully you or say mean things to you, in fact they aren't direct as kids are and they do it differently so you might not even notice.

Now I don't care anymore and do see myself as a normal person and I had given up on people so I'm happier now. I find them all boring anyway so why even bother? If I run into any interesting ones, I run into interesting ones. Plus I'm shy.

Then I was diagnosed and I was still in denial. I thought I can get rid of it by trying harder but failed. After two years of trying to be normal and accepted and fit in, I had a breakdown in 6th grade. It was like I couldn't do it anymore and there were other problems so I was taken out of school for a while and that was when I got diagnosed. That year was the worst year ever in my life. It took me a few years to accept my AS. Before I never thought much of it because I didn't even know what it was until I started asking about it and mom finally gave me some information about it.

I was diagnosed early, so I did not experience that identity crisis. I'm comfortable with calling myself autistic. However, with stuff that happened later in my life, it has been a little difficult to accept. I think the closest to a proper identity crisis that I have ever had was when I had performed badly (at least by my standards) in my higher exams. Because of that, I felt like I couldn't think of myself as an academic or even a smart person, which to me meant that I was useless and worthless. While I always knew that I wasn't the "top of the class", I deeply aspired to be extremely successful because I have an extremely competitive nature. I now feel a little ashamed of quantifying my self worth based on an exam. I still have a tendency to do that, which I feel is quite shallow.

Okay. So? That was my reaction when I was first diagnosed at seven or eight. I didn't really understand the signifiance of it until I was a teenager and when the pro curbie propaganda started and I couldn't see what the "tragedy" was all about. But basicaly it never phased or upset me.

Having no previous experience like others, I only marched in the band on the High-School football field ... and in wrestling, I never got past being the object of other people's take-down practice. But yes, I have always felt like a confused chameleon never knowing my natural color, and through the years I have had some serious struggles with fears of going "over the edge" in confused frustration.


Yes, in principle, during years past, but not in relation to my recent discovery of my AS/HFA.


That makes sense, yet that same "self" is still evidenced by the vocalizations of these questions.


Understood, but yet you ask ... and so it is *that* persona you have at your core and need to continue to discover and nurture.

I was diagnosed with Aspergers later in life at the age 0f 40. I always felt I was weird and different compared to everyone else I knew. People have always treated me as an outsider someone they could get away with being mean to me. For a good part of my life I thought I had some form of mild insanity enough to be weird but not enough to be locked away. I guess that is why I waited so late to get a diagnosis. If it was not for a tv show I watched about Aspergers I never would have known about it. Everything they discussed pretty much matched me to a tee so I started making phone calls and got some help.