please help/lost

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I feel very torn. I have always prided myself on not needing anyone.
I don't know who I am any more.............A couple of months ago , I found out some info. that drastically changed my life, In ways I could not even imagine.

Not alot has changed on the outside, "hurriccane" on the inside. I have gotten pretty good at telling myself, others that I don't need them or anyone else. Last night I stayed up all night on the computer, Wp. I had to get my little girl up to Day care and I was late to work. It occured to me as I back tracked to my posts(from last night), Reading them all I could think was how desperate I sounded and what the **** was I doing? What the **** happened to that tough women that I thought I was.

A recent AS diagnosis, new knowledge about estranged father, missing grandfather are/ H.F Autistic, Aspergers. While that brought together alot of "peices" that had been left in "left field". Many years of so called shrinks Blamed the AS symptoms for worse things. It never felt quite right. All I new for sure was that I was really messed up, had to do something, find answers , no doubt I would have ended up dead or worse. decided to fight. Now , here I am on WP tryin desperatly to get some one to notice me!! !! !! what the #*&^# happened to the one part of me that actually seemed to work...........Where Is that tough skin I have been building for 30 @##$$$% years????? Does any one here have a clue what i am doing besides rantting like a total maniac???? ............ I have no idea what to do next!! ! please.......

your message was erratic and i have been there too.....we all have...i do have some important advice for you....you say you have a daughter......keep it together for her......it is a difficult time for you now.....take time off work if you can as you are no good to anyone as ypu are......going to work without sleep is no good...see a doctor and get some anxiety medication...this is a long process of accepting and understanding what you have a depression is a consequence of AS..we have all been there..........but the road you are on is a long one.....keep it together, get help.....AS find it very hard to ask for help, yes we all have built up a tough exteriot because we have been bullied becaue of our AS..thats right we are all independent never have to ask for help..we are all like that..then we crash with the diagnosis...for me the diagnosis, i denied it for 2 years then i accepted it and had a lot of "a--hah" momnets....all you rbehaviour over the last 30 years can be expaline dby AS.....dont be afraid to ask for help we all hate it we all were tough once we all need to break befoe we get better...yoru going through it now....get help.....theres nothing else to say..dont be ashamed to get help se a doctor....now.

When I first was DX'd it was a profound shock-for about two years? I focussed on trying to understand the implications.
At this point, I feel i'm past that; I had a pretty good practical understanding of myself before (being 49 when I was diagnosed) and I wonder if all the reductionism has really helped at all. You'll get through this phase too.

Remember you are still you. You made it this far, and from your post I get the impression you are a strong person. Talking to someone who understands would not be a sign of weakness.

See if there's a support group or befriending scheme in your area. Having a person/people who understand what you're going through, and can actually be there _in person_ could be a lot of help.

Go easy on yourself for a while, and try not to expect to much of yourself. Make sure you and your daughter's needs are both provided for and taken care of, either by yourself, or someone else if and when it would help. For example, do you have a friend or relative who can look after your daughter when you need a break? If not, it might be an idea to find a good childsitter and have some 'mental destressing' time every now and then.

It might sound irrelevant, but - make sure you're eating healthily and getting enough exercise. Eat fruit and vegetables rather than junk food, drink lots of water, and go for a walk or a run when possible. (Finding a local park to walk or run in can be a terrific de-stresser.) Keeping yourself physically healthy even when you don't want to, will still go a long way to making life easier to cope with.

Good luck with getting everything sorted.

*e-hug*