2 undiagnosed aspies MARRIED & STRUGGLING... is this common?

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Hello... I'm new to this forum. I'm new to forums, period. I'm actually new to the spectrum in general and I'm feeling very alone, misunderstood, etc. I could use some validation and/or advice. Feeling like you're going crazy is really exhausting and FRUSTRATING... nobody seems to believe or understand anything about me or my perspective of this thing called "life". My story is long -- so I'll TRY and spare you too many details.

I'm 35 years old, my husband of 2 years is 41. We have a blended family. 3 children total, ages 7-13. For the first year or so of our dating life, it was as though we lived on our own planet. It was magical. WOW. After we married, two days after we married, to be exact... sh*t hit the fan!! This was the beginning of what has felt like an ongoing nightmare that keeps getting worse. Neither my husband, nor myself have been officially diagnosed, although we HAVE been to multiple therapists, none of which have had any clue as to what was going on. At first, I was only focused on understanding the motive behind his aggressive, irrational lunacy. I felt very calm and grounded and stable and logical and compassionate... for the first 6-9 months, then I cracked and can now be driven to an emotional meltdown very easily, at which point I turn into what my mother refers to as, the "Ice Queen". Anywho... he had this fixation with always having to be right. Always pointing the finger at me. All I could do was break down in tears and try explaining why I felt so attacked and invalidated. He would NEVER listen to understand, only to retaliate. The CONSTANT misunderstandings turned into toxic arguments, which got worse and worse with time. At one point he started taking this insane behavior into public. At our kids baseball games. In the driveway. Walking down the street in NYC. In front of our children. In front of my mother. Always verbally accosting me over a difference in opinion among other various triggers. From the outside looking in, one would assume I was either married to a man who was verbally/emotionally abusive OR I was completely full of sh*t, because he was perfect in the eyes of others. Such a gentle and kind guy. Brilliant. I knew there was so much more to it. He WAS soft and gentle and pure, with an incredibly kind heart. It was only certain things that would make him melt down and he had this way of turning things around on me that was infuriating.

After incessant hours/days/weeks/months of research to figure out what was happening, I could only come up with narcissism, which eventually led me to discover ASD. Nothing made complete sense before I found that first list of traits associated with ASD. In that moment, I had HOPE!! ! For the first time in what felt like forever. I tried talking to my husband about the article I read and how it helped to explain a lot of what was going on between us. He wanted nothing to do with it and made that very clear. I should probably mention that (according to his father) his sister was diagnosed with autism when she was young, although the family refuses to admit it. His son also displays too many autistic tendencies to list. So does my son -- but, we'll get to that. After a few more months of constant reading and research I decided to send my husband a list of links pertaining to ASD that I felt were non-confrontational. I worded my email very gently, including plenty of compassion and understanding regarding his resistance to anything that could be considered a flaw or fault. His response was this, "DO NOT ever send me anything having to do with Aspergers ever again. I do not agree with your assessment of me and I don't appreciate having a finger pointed at me. There is nothing wrong with me. Take a look in the mirror and leave me alone or I will have no choice but to leave you." My heart shattered into a million pieces. Not that the threat of divorce was something new. I'd been hearing it since we got married.

Oddly enough, he agreed to pursue therapy again, but only to prove me wrong. FINE BY ME!! I just want answers. So, I found this organization that provided individual/marital therapy and diagnosis for adults and children who fell on the AS. Okay, so off to therapy we go... it has been such an emotional ordeal. After two sessions, the therapist speaks with me privately and leads me to believe that he DOES have AS, although she needs more diagnostic evidence from him rather than hearing it from me. Every session since then has just felt like him bashing me and blaming me for everything without any self-reflection. I feel like I'm on trial and none of my concerns are being addressed by the therapist. He's so damn smart and quick on his verbal feet that I can't get a word in edgewise. I'm constantly overwhelmed and always leave therapy feeling worse about our marriage. It's now been 3 months and she hasn't mentioned anything about the possibility of what is causing our marital discord. He says things like, "you're not going to deal well with the outcome of this.", followed by a snide look and gloating.

HERE'S THE KICKER... I was curious what women with Aspergers had to say about life in general. What was the female perspective and how did it differ from the male perspective? Well, little did I know that the traits associated with female aspies were almost completely different than that of the men AND I immediately saw MYSELF in almost every one of the traits. This led me to MUCH MORE research and reading. I took my discovery to our next therapy session and now my husband is Mr. Supportive... he listened and agreed with every word I had to say ABOUT MYSELF. In the same breath he also denied that anything was wrong with him and he's sick of hearing it from me, but it's obvious to him that me and my children have serious problems and that he'll be there every step of the way to find ways of helping me with my pending diagnosis. WOW! I cried through almost everything I had to say to the therapist that day (typical for me) and had to read my concerns from a script, because I have a really hard time articulating my thoughts/feeling verbally. They HAVE TO be written down. I could write a book, no problem... public speaking, in-depth conversations that require focus -- LOL -- no way. We left our appointment without any acknowledgement from the therapist of the bomb I'd just dropped. I shared my perspective for about 5-7 min. He happily shared his perspective for the remaining 50+ minutes. I held back tears the whole time. He didn't acknowledge my pain at all. Nothing new there.

So, for those of you who made it through my rant... for those of you who are aspies married to an aspie... does any of this sound familiar? Does my therapist sound like she knows what she's doing? Is there any hope for our marriage? Contrary to my previous tone, I love and adore my husband. He's like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde. When Dr Jeckyll is around, we couldn't be happier. When Mr Hyde rears his ugly head, it feels like we're all living in hell. I'm becoming increasingly more depressed and the anxiety is unbearable. I can't see light at the end of this tunnel and I want nothing more than to feel validation. I'm tired of being called crazy.

Well as an experienced forum user, I say; mae govannen!

From a statistical point of view, however, I very much doubt you're alone. There are 4.6 billion people in the world, and 1 in 500 have Aspergers. That means that there are 9.2 million couples in your situation.

OK, now that the obligatory math's over with, let's see what I can do...

First of all, I did manage to read through your rant. And it does sound as if both of you have AS. If you ask me here's what's going on. Your husband suspects that he has AS, and he's ashamed of it. If I were you I'd find someone that both of you are on good terms with. When your husband isn't around, tell this person that you suspect that your husband has AS. And that they should tell your husband when you're not around, that he's got AS, and that it isn't anything to be ashamed of.

I'm not a relationship therapist or anything (I'm an organic chemist in fact), but I sincerely hope that this advice is somewhat hopeful.

Denial isn't unusual for people diagnosed with Aspergers.

Thank you, Glflegolas. I just wrote a whole reply and poof! It's gone. So, now feeling slightly frustrated, I'll recap by saying... I've tried to reach out to people close to him, his mother and closest childhood friend. They turned it all around on me and made excuses for his behavior. He's a team builder and manipulates situations when he feels threatened or a loss of control. It feels like a losing battle.

I'm hoping this new therapist pulls through and provides us both with a diagnosis that we can use to transcend some of the suffering. Awareness and effort. Not perfection. Just improvement. That doesn't seem like too much to ask for.

Denial is something I simply can't wrap my head around. I'm always seeking to explore deeper understandings and solutions; therefore, self-imposed road blocks, AKA denial, leave me scratching my head.

Thanks for your input. Very much appreciated.

*Note to self: Copy text before clicking submit!

Aspies typically don't like change. Finding out everyone has AS is a huge change. At least he doesn't deny that his child might have AS. I suggest you let his diagnosis drop. Don't say anything more about it unless he wants to bring it up. Instead, focus your attention on helping the kids and yourself. See what you can do to remove triggers and stress so that your lives are easier. He isn't you. You need awareness. He may not. Some battles are best not fought.

Hi BTDT: Ugh! That's a hard pill to swallow. I couldn't imagine being in a marriage where my husband gets to remain in denial about his behaviors that severely impact our family on a daily basis, children included. AS or not, no one should be given a green light when it comes to blatant disregard for taking any personal responsibility, specifically when it impacts other people. Just my perspective.

I can certainly focus on myself and my two children; however, pretending there is no problem is only going to delay the inevitable. That's my biggest fear!!

The only time I talk about ASD is in therapy, when the traits are brought to light, although I never use the "A" word anymore. I've learned not to say anything about it at home either. I do choose my battles these days.

We have a blended family... he has a son, who clearly falls on the spectrum, although my husband is in complete denial about his struggles being related to ASD. It's my two children that he has no problem accusing of being "weird" and just like me, "an irritating aspie". My kids are both being seen and evaluated and I'm grateful to say that their therapy is going very well. My son's diagnosis is likely to come before his sisters.

Looking back on this reply, I can see my defensiveness rearing its protective head. Ahhhh... where is the line? I have trouble with that... sorry. Always fighting to be understood. It's become a way of life.

You have a rather unique opportunity to show him what works. If you and your kids are helped by accepting a diagnosis of Asperger's, he may be more accepting of a diagnosis. I can't imagine you have much energy left over after taking care of the family every day. You really need to help yourself first.

I'm 100% on board and I couldn't agree more. What's that saying, "Be the change you wish to see in the world" ?!

Yup... that's the one. Thanks.

When you ask if this is common, I can only speak for myself and say that in the past I've displayed some very emotionally immature and quite frankly unacceptable behaviour in my own relationship but it's something I've been learning to work on and move past. From what you've said about your husband it's impossible to say whether or not he's on the spectrum but whether he is or isn't his behaviour is far from acceptable and isn't necessarily exclusive to being autistic. My own father has displayed many of the traits you've described and it contributed to a lot of dysfunction in my family. As far as I can tell he's not on the spectrum but my mother probably is. They divorced some time ago as the relatipnship was unsalvagable.
I hope you manage to get something sorted out as it sounds like a very stressful situation. I hope your husband is able to recognise his behaviour and make the necessary adjustments as he sounds capable of doing so if he wanted to.

Lucy,
I'm going to go out on a limb here and recommend that you determine if he could be a sociopath. Search on "identify a sociopath" for some sites that will help you. BTW, sociopath is the new term for what we used to call a psychopath. Anytime people are discussing interpersonal difficulties and the word "manipulation" comes up, a red flag goes up in my mind that this person could be a sociopath, since I have been exposed to quite a few of them in my life. Those of us on the spectrum seem to attract them for some reason. If the indicators tend to put him in the sociopath category, realize there is no dealing with him. All you can do is geographically get yourself out of the situation. For your sake, I hope this is not the case but wanted to throw the red flag and make you aware of the possibility.

The big picture is that you need to get help for you and your kids now. It is quite clear that the new administration intends to cut federal funding to public schools. Which will have the trickle down effect of cutting services to students with autism. True, will be some "winners." If you kids go to expensive private schools it is likely that there will be vouchers to give private schools more money at the expense of public schools, but I'm guessing this doesn't help you one bit.

Sounds like my ex boyfriend and me. Even more like my ex's family. Neither turned out well.

To be honest, if the other party is in denial about their destructive behavior, the only choice you have is to move on. You need to think and you and your children's mental and physical safety.

Wanted to add that being in a relationship with someone with erratic behavior will make you feel like you are going crazy.

My ex's dad is exactly as you describe your husband. His mother was in denial and only placated him. Don't want to get into too much detail, but it destroyed the whole family.

Such behaviours are not that uncommon in the world; nearly every politician does it.

If you, your husband or both are on the spectrum, than marriage can be very challenging. The divorce rate for people with AS is very high, 80% last i checked. With that in mind i recommend to continue the therapy to help you through the tough times, and learn to deal with each other better in a positive way. I was married once, and it didn't last long for me, but i hope it works out for you, and i wish you the best.