I'm the biggest fool in the world!

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Ok first off I'm a total idiot, not sure how to put this but I have tried very damn hard to come across as normal from as early as I can remember, this has included watching literally thousands of documentaries on people, observing what other people do on a daily basis, reading a book on how to make friends.., using the Internet to learn social skills etc.

Well I started to really struggle after I left school due to not being able to cope in a work environment & the massive jump in complexity of social interaction that came at this age, I crashed really hard after almost 6 months of Data Input/Admin work, I actually couldn't function no matter how hard I tried (I tried so damn hard too), I ended up having to cut off all friends. Fast forward a few years later & I thought I might have ADD of the inattentive subtype & that could possibly explain all my past problems, so I went to my doctor & explained that I'd like to be referred to a specialist in that area, I visited an ADD forum but as much as I wanted to fit in somewhere I really didn't feel at home & the other people there didn't seem to have the same difficulties as myself, especially in social interaction & not the same level of obsessional interests. The next time I went to the doctors my doc wasn't in, when I asked the other doctor about how long I'd have to wait to see the ADD specialist I was told my doctor had actually referred me to the adult autism assessment team instead, which I suppose shocked me because I'd asked to go see someone else specifically & I couldn't understand how I'd came across as autistic, but in a way it didn't surprise me after thinking about it.

After I looked up Aspergers & visited here at the time, I was completely amazed at how many people existed with many of the exact same problems, I felt very relieved & a lot less alone in some way. I also felt worse in a way because I had a dilemma on my hands - do I really want to have a label like autism (aspergers), will it help me or hinder me even more?, it's not as if I could go live in a real life Autism land where everyone else is on a similar level of functioning/understanding. Just before the time came for the visit from the Adult Autism Assessment Team, I had a little burst of social activity (can't recall what I did now) I was quite pleased with myself though & at this time of elation changed my mind & decided I was ok faking it (I sometimes have these little momentary dreams that I am a social genius), due to this I realized I couldn't possibly tell them my big secret, I'd kept it this long I couldn't reveal it now (you have to remember if I did I feared loosing my last remaining friends, the ones I've known since primary school would find out as my mum knows all their parents still & is a blabber mouth & I'd loose them aka I'd have no friends at all ).

So the day came & they caught me off-guard a little because two people ended up coming to assess me, I made sure the house was free, just me on my own. I knew I couldn't hide my cognitive deficits as that would be clearly impossible (I can't really lie but can avoid) & I had no reason too, I was hoping to get an ADD diagnosis & a prescription of Ritalin of course - which I thought would allow me to act normal & was the answer to my prayers. I was going to make a damn good job at hiding my social deficits, not bring up all the social problems I have encountered in the past plus present & anything that seemed aspergerish from what I had gleaned from this site. I practiced the meeting a number of times mainly in my head before they arrived, that way I didn't come across as a stumbling social wreck. I knew I had to keep good eye contact, show an interest in them, share interests, make a few sarcastic jokes(of course aspergers folk aren't supposed to understand sarcasm um yeah right)... etc.

They chatted & tested me for almost 90 minutes, I was exhausted afterwards, near the end I could barely compute, I felt so damn overloaded with their questions. It went ok but straight after they left I felt REALLY bad (almost like an instant MAJOR depressive episode, I had a moment of realization, what had I just done!? I couldn't believe I'd kept this lie going even with people who'd come to help me. I had a really bad time for a month or so after until I decided I to admit to my problems & be totally honest & open, the specialist hadn't started writing up my report yet so I decided to write everything down I could possibly think of that might be relevant & about all my real problems, struggles with life etc. I posted these notes off & didn't hear anything back for many months.

The report finally arrived with me, she had diagnosed me with Sensory Processing Disorder stating in part of the report "He does not demonstrate difficulties within the triad of impairment that defines autism spectrum disorders, namely social interaction, communication and imagination. However he has a clear neuro-developmental vulnerability" from reading the report she had clearly not received the extra notes I'd sent her, she did say at the time if I thought of anything else to post or email the information so it's not as if she would have just chucked them in the bin. I later found out that where I'd posted the notes had burned down around the time I'd posted them, I can only imagine they went up in smoke?. Sorry to the point - I ended up with an ADD diagnosis after I was finally referred to someone in that area thanks to the specialist in ASD passing me on. I wanted to try Ritalin (Methylphenidate) as I had new hope that it would make me normal, it didn't & although it made me feel more awake plus pro social I found I was having an even bigger problems socialising if there was more than one person to communicate with (my volunteering requires multiple interactions doh!), it did give me a lot of belief though, I really don't understand why this isn't used as a short term anti depressant either, 5mg lasts two days for me. Only taken it about 10 times overall but the positivity from those experiences have stayed with me if that makes sense.


Present time

Yeah so I went to see my doctor today after I came to terms with who I am this last week due to an unravelling moment of insight last week (I may as well be dead than not be myself, my biggest problem is hiding my problems). Now the slight problem, I just went in & straight up told her "um well I think I have autism" to which she said "Well I don't think you do, um you were assessed by the specialist & she came to the conclusion you didn't" me "Um ok well um um I held back certain things when she came to visit me um I don't want to elaborate but um um yeah" Doctor "Well you have another appointment with the ADD specialist coming up" yada yada... I guess my best bet would be to bring it up with him. I feel like the biggest fool on this planet, how on earth did I ever expect to pull this off. I'm glad I got all of this out it's taken me ages to write, I feel much better already, text is the only way I can really communicate my true feelings. Be interesting to hear from anyone else with a diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder in what way do you feel you differ from Autism or Aspergers? It may even be the case that all these social problems are part of SPD but then why is it SPD & not Aspergers? I'm a little confused. If anyone read all of this sorry you just wasted 5 minutes of your life, don't worry though I will send you a star in the post. Thanks


Edit: Oops this is quite long winded, I really need to break down what needs to be said, I did try my best.

Last edited by delic on 04 Nov 2010, 7:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Can you find a line of work where you are not as stressed?

I was lucky. I got to do mathematics and computers very early in my life so I did not have the difficulties that are more "social" occupation would have imposed on me. Equations and programs are a lot easier to figure out than people.

ruveyn

I, for one, do not think you're an idiot. I think you've blown a couple of chances to get well (or at least better). But, it's pretty far from too late. It sounds like you've got access to a flexible group of doctors and other medical types. Now that you've decided to "come clean" as it were, really do it and get it right.

One thing I don't understand is your preference for one diagnosis over another -- a desire to have "this" and not "that." I'm too old (38) to really have a good sense of the social stigmas that accompany each one of these acronyms. Why would you particularly want ADD? Just to try Ritalin? You can get that through the mail (sorry, post) from India.

Whatever you do, be honest. You're not going to get well by manipulating your doctors (which I thoroughly believe can be done successfully). But, you already know that. That's what your post was all about. So good for you. And good luck!

Yeah well I currently do voluntery work a couple of days each week - helping out folk who have a moderate learning disability at a day care centre & gym. I've done factory work & office work in the past, I'd rather die than go back to something that involves either. I'm happy doing the voluntary work but I do find it quite exhausting, I'm unsure what to do because it's the only thing I have ever enjoyed work wise but if I took it up as a proper job I'd need to be able to work more hours & take on more tasks than I can handle.

Well I like things to be 100% correct (now anyways), it wasn't a case of wanting a diagnosis of ADD over Autism just so I could try Ritalin, it was more due to the fact when you tell someone you have a form of autism they start treating you differently & most people have this very wrong stereotype of it, I believe that once someone starts treating you a certain way you are more likely to become that way too, when you say you have ADD people immediately think ADHD & everyone seems to have it, people don't start asking about your social problems or struggles, I thought people accepted you more or something. I would never trust buying Ritalin from India & wouldn't want to end up in prison for something as stupid as importing Ritalin plus I needed a heart test before I tried it. Thanks for the good luck

Also even after telling my volunteer coordinator I have ADD & SPD in the past she still continues to ask me "have they figured out what's wrong with you?" plus the staff I'm around where I volunteer know ADD from Autism that's the impression I get.

I hear that!


I'm sorry. I re-read what I posted, and it sounded like an accusation. It's not the way I meant it.


I am just naturally super careful about disclosing anything about myself to anyone. I've been a recovering alcoholic for a while now, and anonymity is critical. I get this. I've told exactly one other person that there's something like this going on -- and even then I was vague. I told her just because I was *dying* to tell someone (and she's also super cool). Her exact words (while totally wrong) made me feel great: "Dude, that's totally it. I always knew you were this weird, freaky genius." I can live with that, I guess. Even though her saying it made me *really* uncomfortable.

Yeah, that's what I don't know enough about.


I totally agree. That's one reason I'm highly reluctant to get an official diagnosis. People definitely grow into labels. Tell a kid he's a bad kid enough times, and even if he's not, he'll become a bad kid.


That's interesting. I know a bunch of people who have kids with it. Yeah, seems like it's everyone now that I think about it.


Right. Don't do that. I started buying Xanax from India and wound up with a totally crippling Xanax addiction. (Well, what did I expect?)

Anyway, be well

P.S. Sorry to chop up your post like I just did. It's just the way I have to process stuff in order for it to make sense and be coherent. I have to start apologizing in advance for this because some people get irritated -- as though I'm trying to take what they say out of context.

Thanks for your thoughts on my reply RainingRoses, I actually find it much easier to read & process when it's broken up in the way you have so please don't apologise for it. Must have been real hard keeping your alcoholism under wraps & out of site especially with the job you have, do you take anything to help you with coming off alchol? or was that what you were taking the Xanax for?

First of all - the perfect life that you desire can even has its problems. I know this because I’ve witnessed it at first hand and seen it portrayed in the media. Lets say there’s person A and Person B in my life who both want the same desires as you. Person A isn’t very good at it and is like yourself who reads a lot of things and watching documentaries. Person B on the other hand is very good at what you want to be.

Are there both totally satisfied with their lives?

Hell no.

In the media, you only have to watch films like The Joneses and programmes like Modern Family to see that successful people-people/Gift of the gabs aren’t always as happy or as ‘normal’ as we interpret them to be. But the most telling book about ‘normal’ people interaction is a book called ‘The Game’ by Neil Strauss. The book is about how a one shy man Neil Strauss turned himself into the best pick up artist in the world. A Pick Up Artist is someone who picks females up in clubs and gets with them.

Anyways Neil becomes to know some of the best pick up artist in the game and most of them turn out to be pretty unsatisfied with their lives. In the end a top five pick up artist throws a party and there’s no one there but blokes, meaning that the game was more a less up. This is because The game became an obsession and we must never become obsessed with anything for a long time because in the end it’ll have the same heart breaking results.

I was obsessed with rugby and that soon turned sour. Back into it now but not as bad as I used to and its much more enjoyable now.

I really recommend the book btw





A catalogue of sports injuries led me to cutting off from my friends IRL. The last one prompted me to spend many hours online. However it was after college I started having the real issues and I’ve had two years of hell since.

But I think I’ve learnt from my downfalls such as you as. Its just a case of getting myself in the right direction now. I certainly want to be spending less time socialising online because it was socialising online that was the downfall for socialising offline. My mate was rolling off all the good times I missed because I spent so much time online.

There’s better times ahead hopefully.

Here’s to the future and good luck to you.

PS - I’ve recently been diagnosed as Aspergers.

Thanks Renegade, I'm guessing the book wasn't based on real life events, a pick up artist lol sounds really grim. The story kind of makes sense but how was the game up because they were all blokes at the party? I thought by definition a ″pick up artist″ didn't have long term partners as such. I read books very rarely, unless they are non-fiction and to do with something I'm currently obsessed with, the last one was about psilocybe mushrooms of the world, I read mostly from the net thanks though. It's nice of you to remind me ″normal″ peope aren't neccesarily happy just because they can function better, it's very easy to think otherwise at times. Good luck to you too.

That is so true. I can remember one other aspie saying on another forum when parents blame everything on AS their child does, they start acting more AS. I also think when parents hold their kids back by telling them they can't do this or that because they have AS or that they will never learn, they start using it as an excuse and don't even try. They just play the AS card now.

The story was non-fiction.

But the reason why that party failed is because the guys where aiming for a lifestyle that meant surrounded by more females then males at such events. The guy who threw the party at one point managed to get Paris Hiltons number. Unfortunately the whole thing went down hill after that and he never got in touch with Paris Hilton since that encounter.

Thanks for the support BTW and your welcome

Wow surprised actual groups like that exist, I thought these pick up artists you mentioned just went to big socialite parties & clubbing or something like that, I presumed they were only interested in one night stands, I obviously presumed wrong.

Cheers Renegade! You've reminded me that I should get out there and play the game of life - to get what I want and what I need and trample others as they trample each other in the rat race of life.

You do realise that I will die trying to be something. I cannot compete due to AS, but trying will increase my stress levels and give me that suicidal break when my heart just packs in and I keel over on the street.

One night stands and sometimes there have eight long term girls on the go.

You’d have to read the book to understand it all as it is a pretty big book..

But there wanted to use there pick up artist skills to have better lives as well. Unfortunately that didn’t quite work out in the end of the book. I do wonder what certain people are up to from that book now.

Try and enjoy the journey to your success rather than the destination of your success.

For example I’ve spent many years looking for a job and its been a terrible time and I’ve still not found a job. Do you think even thouse I want a job I’ll enjoy the job - hell no!

If you don’t enjoy the journey, then don’t bother trying to get to the destination.

I’ve just got a six month sick note off my doctor and I shall be using these six months to develop my music. Hopefully the Journey to do the album will be much better than the journey to finding a job!

Who did Strauss have in mind when he wrote the book? Neurotypicals?