Why can't I get past this?

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Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

I thought I was past this stage in my life, the one were I'm always falling for some guy that's not even worth my precious time. Well, apparently, aspie crushes, first loves or whatever never die. At least that's what I found out when I spoke to my former pastor for the first time after six years of staying as far away from him and his church as possible.

God, I was hoping the next time I saw him, it would be completely on my terms with me being, at least, a little more emotionally prepared. But he practically came out of nowhere while I was standing at the bus stop after a hard day at work. This guy jumps in front of me and at first, saying, "Hey, girl!" I'm like, "Who are you?" And I then recognize his voice. His graying and receeding hair in addition to many a wrinkle added to his face threw me off for a moment. In recognition, we hugged each other.

He then asked me about how I've been doing, about the article I recently wrote and if I'd been living with my mother in Cincinnatti these past few years. I guess since I haven't so much as visited his church these past few years he thought that would be the obvious reason, though I don't know why. I did tell him I had been sick and explained I was working at my old job since, for now, I needed a job that was low-stress(which is true, albeit not the whole truth). The bus soon arrived and he said he would call me, making sure my number was listed so he could call, so he said. Ever since then, I've been so off-balanced I can't think straight and I feel like crying. Maybe I should explain why a little more.....

When I was younger, about 13, he began pastoring my home church. In my young mind, he could do no wrong and I would only be privileged to be in his presence. I don't know if it was more of a crush or just my yearning for a father who didn't run away everytime the wind blew too hard. Well, whatever the reason, I fell for him and I never really stopped feeling for him, even when I left for another church. Unfortunately, he's exactly the type of person no one should be involved with since he's rather narcissistic, has a tendancy to lie, has been married...and divorced three times, was a serial philanderer prior to becoming a minister, you get the idea. Not healthy-relationship material at all.

From my standpoint as a little girl, I didn't know these things. I just knew here he was, a man who I saw every single Sunday, who acted the part to a tee and seemed so loving and compassionate. I wanted so much for someone to love me and thought he was my best chance, especially after my father disowned me because of my refusal to stop going to a mainstream church (he was a Jehovah's Witness). He was the only man I ever knew who hugged me regularly and told me he loved me, though now, I don't know if he was even capable of real love back then and was just using me like everyone else as narcissistic supply. In spite of this loving facade, I found he had a very dark side that refused to stay hidden under the pretense of being a pastor. He would say he would do something for me and then "forget", even when I would remind him over and over again. He would also ignore me one minute and shower me with affection the next. I thought if only I could be the over-achievers some of the other kids were and make everyone proud of me, then he wouldn't treat me like that. I pretty much blamed myself for not being good enough. Hell, I wasn't good enough for my own father. How could I expect to be accepted by him just for being myself?

But after years of dealing with his behavior, I decided I couldn't take it anymore and joined this huge, mega church at age 24, both because I liked this church and to spite my pastor since he aways was saying something negative about them (jealousy). I did visit my home church a couple of times after that and even went to lunch with my pastor after which we even shared a romantic kiss(which he said later afterwards he could never be a lover to me) but when I met my then-boyfriend and some other pals, he sort of faded into the background and I never spoke to him after 2000.

I can't say I didn't think of him every now and then but it wasn't ever a burning desire to see him again. Now here he is, back in my head again and I don't like it one bit. Now I have that feeling, you know the one in which you want so badly for a particular person to like you that you'd do anything short of giving up your personhood. Heck, I'm not even a Christian anymore. Then he's probably never even going to contact me again.

So why do I give a d***? Because I still care about him. That's right folks! I still love someone whom I would probably be better off never knowing. I guess I just can't understand how someone who is so loving one minute could be the opposite the next. In my aspieness, you're either good overall or not good. But it's been so long since I've seen him and there's always the hope that old age has changed him for the better. Though I could probably bet he never will. Why can't any man in my life, for once, stay in my life and act decent for a change? That's what hurts so. Maybe I blame myself somewhat, though I know cognitively it's not me but them. But every last one from my father, step-father, pastor and every boyfriend I ever had?

I understand I need to give myself the unconditional love I seem to give to everyone but myself. Yet knowing that is one thing and executing what I know is another. Oh well, something else to talk to my doctor about during my appointment in two weeks.

It's just my two cents, but ...

I recommend a pause from emotional stress, to reflect on your situation. Both from a relationship point of view, but there are always other things lurking.
Shift your focal points, from "I hate bad relationships!" to "I love great relationships!"

I recommend this movie, it's rather long, but pretty inspiring!

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... 8734018006