I don't do helpless. It never works for me. Doesn't make sense to wallow in self pity. I remember when I was eleven years old, holding my mom's hand and telling her not to commit suicide, and that me and my brother would NOT be better off if she just killed herself. We were living on $60 a week, and rent was $65. My brother and I collected aluminum cans to turn in for recycling and get money to buy bread at the day old bread store. Those were not sunny days.
And that was before I was diagnosed with terminal liver disease and told I had at most 5 years to live. I've lived 19 years since I was diagnosed, because I refused to accept defeat. I hurt today though. I wish I wasn't allergic to opiates, half a codeine would make me feel better right now. But then I'd get a migraine from it, and spend all day tomorrow locked up in a dark room in excruciating pain. Not worth it.
Are you crippled? If you can walk, you can go get dinner at your food bank. Are you near a church? My pastor frequently gives $10 or $20 to any stranger who walks in the church and asks. I can't say Anglican's do the same, but it's a common habit in American Evangelicalism churches.
I second the motion to not let your roommates get away with stiffing you. Say pay up, or you'll call the magistrate. If they don't, call the magistrate and start getting the evicted.
You obviously have internet. So you can use Skype for long distance. Problem solved, call an agency.
Why no job? If you can type, you're not disabled enough to not work. I know - I've worked full time while wearing a diaper for chronic ulcerative colitis and while dealing with hepatitis and pancreatitis caused by primary sclerosing cholangitis, bacterial cholangitis, and bile peritonitis. I've put in full days while I suffered from hepatic encephalopathy and I've even blacked out in a diabetic coma at my desk. I should have said no to the baklava, but honeyed almond slivers and crispy pastry crusts are so, so tempting. On the other hand, I've never worked with either a aura-migraine or a cluster migraine. Too much pain, those are truly disabling.
My advice. Get angry. Get pissed. Do something about it. The day I realized that I was accepting failure, letting other people define who I was, was the day I realized I was a loser and would never be anything. I was sitting alone in my rusty car with my last $8 in my wallet, eating crackers and cheese, I just gotten my mid-terms my 2nd semester at University. I had failed all but two classes first semester, and I was failing most of my classes again 2nd semester. I got angry at that. So I immediately changed all my behaviors, all my habits. I would not play their game. Instead, I would live my life BETTER than them. I would beat them at the game of life.
I still use my anger to achieve when I need too, but I don't need to anymore. Since then, I've also realized "they" are not the problem. The problem was always me. I was an angry child who behaved badly because nobody knew how to explain to me how to get what I wanted. Once I figured out, on my own, how to get what I wanted, it's a simple matter of going through the motions. Bathe, be nice to people, don't verbally attack people, write down what I did wrong and don't do those things again. Now, every two weeks, "they" give me a cheque for doing no more than solving math problems and giving them my advice about what the math problems mean.
I like that.
08 Nov 2010, 12:02 pm
