Stepson possibly Aspie, how did you react to diagnosis?

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Hello again everyone

In my previous messages I tried to describe the traits I see in my stepson and why I think he may have AS, and also why I think I should at least tell my husband about it, but my other messages are probably too long for most people to find the patience to read through them, so I decided to try a shorter version. If anyone has the patience to read them tho, please feel free to let me know what you think.

As I mentioned I would like to tell my husband I suspect my stepson has AS (but I am very nervous about it because I don't know what his reaction will be, eventho for me I felt it was a blessing to learn about AS), and eventually tell my stepson about it and see if he wants to look into it himself and if he can relate (after discussing with my husband and then we can decide if we should tell him about it or not, and get a diagnosis).

What I would like to know, is how you discovered you had AS, and if it helped you to know, if it was positive or not, if it was a relief or if you would have prefered not to know. Also for parents, I would like to know how you talked about it with your child, especially if he/she was an adult (my stepson is 21).

I hope someone can help.

Shadi

Last edited by Shadi2 on 12 Nov 2010, 12:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My daughter was 16 when I first heard about Asperger's and realised it was the unidentified problem we had been struggling with for years. I had a very detailed checklist for symtoms which I gave her when I told her I suspected Asperger's. She went very, very quiet for several days and carried this checklist with her everywhere. It became a security blanket for her. She then felt relieved. There was so much bottled up over the years that she had kept to herself, which she now felt able to let go of. Now she felt it wasn't her, it was the Asperger's She is definately relieved to know the truth.

My husband also is suspected of having Asperger's. He wasn't upset with it being suggested, he just didn't really believe it. He does now, but it has taken him years to reach that point. His mother on the other hand would respond with fury to anyone who suggested he had it. Years down the line she is starting to reach the point where the possibility may be considered.

Hello again Shadi2.

I basically found out by accident. Someone sent me a link to one of his friend’s blog posts about a major life change. The poster was getting a sex change and that’s what the post was actually about. He needed to live as a woman for a full year, and said that would be difficult because he was an “aspie”. I didn’t know what an aspie was, so I googled it. I found a symptom list for AS and my world quickly got flipped upside down for a little while.

I’ve been thinking about your situation a bit and have a few random thought for you:

• If I was your stepson, I would want to know.

• If someone is getting ready to tell me something, and they do a very long preface (I want you to know that what I’m about to say… What I’m about to tell you doesn’t change how I feel about you…. blah, blah, blah) puts me on the defensive. I prefer someone just comes out and say what they need to say. You may want to consider then when approaching your stepson.

• People with AS frequently have very little insight into how other people perceive them. For example: one of the members of the support group I attend had no idea he had AS until he was diagnosed in his early twenties. He went in to get help figuring out what careers would fit him best (I don’t know if his parents mislead him about why he was seeing a psychologist… his dad is a doctor… and he is very dependant on his parents). This person is one of the members that is most obviously different; but he had absolutely no idea he was different. Your stepson may not recognize his own differences.

• Just giving your stepson a book from someone with AS like “Look me in the eyes” by John Robison or “Asperger’s from inside out” by Michael Carley may be a good idea. “Look me in the eyes” could be given to him with just a preface of “I heard this book was very entertaining… it’s written buy the guy that used to make custom guitars for the band Kiss.” He may just have a light bulb moment while he reads it.

I hope that’s helpful.

Thank you very much MotherKnowsBest and j0sh

This is exactly what I need, and I thank you for sharing your own story too.

@ Motherknowsbest: this is exactly how I felt when I read a message in a forum from a woman who had been struggling to understand her daughter, and who finally found out she had AS after a few years. Especially when she started talking about all the characteristics/traits possible of a person with AS, and I totally recognized my stepson ... I almost cried as I was reading, it felt like a veil had been lifted.

@ j0sh: thanks a lot for the advices, I will definitely keep them in mind. Very good to know about the long intro too (will try not to do that, it can actually be almost scary, you wonder what is coming). And the book also seems like a good idea, especially since he likes reading.

I will have to talk about it with my husband first tho, and for him I was thinking of an intro with a few names of known people who have been diagnosed, or are thought to have AS, like Satoshi Tajiri, Dan Akroyd, Thomas Jefferson, Albert Einstein, Tom Hanks, Bill Gates, etc and ask him what he thinks they have in common, and then tell him about AS, and from there introduce him to the idea that his son may have AS too. If you have other ideas, please feel free to let me know.

Shadi

You could also ramble off some of the symptoms and ask him if that sounds like anyone he knows.

This is a great idea!

As introduction I could say something like "I will tell you a few personality traits and let me know if it reminds you of someone."

Definitely an advice I will keep in mind when/if I decide to talk to my husband, thanks a lot again j0sh

Shadi

Hi Shadi. I did not find out I had AS until I was 35. It was my wife researching the topic online in regards to our son that started the diagnosis in process. I thought that I would be OK with the "official" diagnosis because I had taken an online diagnostic test and did a lot of reading that point in the direction of AS, but I was not. It was hard to hear. Probably because the working with the psychologist made it so real and permanent. For me it was hard to hear that I had something that I couldn't cure or even had a cure -- it is not a cold. Nevertheless, I have come to terms with AS and I now have a much more peaceful existence.

Hello billybud

Thank you for sharing with me.

Personally I do not see AS in a negative way, maybe because myself I have some issues and I realise fully that we all have our strengths and weaknesses no matter what, AS or not. Some of my weaknesses are my lack of self esteem and being very shy, and believe me sometimes it can be a real pain. But eventho I have those issues, I don't think anything is written in stone, diagnosis or not, and whether we are talking about an emotional or physical problem, I think we can always learn ways to make things a little easier and/or at least find new ways to cope with them better. Your last sentence effectively shows that you have come a long way since you were diagnosed.

This said tho, I definitely wouldn't want to hurt my stepson. My guess, because of his personality, because he is very intelligent, and the fact that so many well known people, and even geniuses that he admires, have been diagnosed with (or are thought to have been) AS, it may not only help him realise that he is not "weird" (to use his own words), but he may also even be proud of it. As I mention tho it is something I would like to discuss with my husband first, and then we can decide together what we should do, and whether we should tell him or not.

Thank you again

Shadi

@ j0sh

I just wanted to let you know I have been reading both books you mentioned on Amazon, there is always some pages missing but they are both very good, thank you again! I just discovered GRASP too because of the 2nd book you mentioned, thank you for that too.

Shadi