AS caused big fight with "friends"

Post Reply New Topic

I used to be very isolated but this last year I started hanging out with my girlfriend's friends (two couples). They only ever call my gf to arrange things and mostly I feel as though I'm only "friends" with them as they're friends with my gf.

The last few weeks I could tell these "friends" were acting a bit funny and I suspected they were talking about me behind my back (I'm very good at sensing these things). This weekend we had a bit of a verbal fight over a silly soccer game and then that night one of them called my gf complaining about me...

"we keep trying to make friends with <me> but he never let us"
"when we hang out he always tends to separate himself, get up in the middle of something without considering others, play with his ipad"
"he ignores us in conversation and doesn't make any effort to connect with us"
"we're only friends with him because of you, he doesn't want to be friends with us, we tried"

And so on. The next day I met with the guy from the other couple and told him about the call; he seemed a bit cold and responded in a very political way. Then my gf met with them both and told them what the other couple said. They basically agreed (I knew they had been talking about me) and told my gf these things (which she then told me):

"his behavior around others isn't good, he seems like he doesn't care about anyone"
"we're telling you as a friend that you need to think about your relationship, don't deceive yourself about him"
"you're always making excuses for him"
"in a few years you'll run into huge problems with him"
"he's not the kind of guy you should be thinking of settling down with"
"we don't know how he is with you personally, but when he's around us he doesn't seem right"
"you're going to lose your best friends because of him"

Thankfully my gf stuck with me. We lost 4 of our best "friends" this weekend after they turned against me. She's a bit angry with me and says they're at least 30-40% right. At the same time she says she knows I have nothing in my heart, that I never had bad feelings against them or anybody and I just need to learn how to behave in an acceptable way, whereas they are just two-faced and behaved/spoke insultingly deliberately. I never did anything wrong deliberately, she realized this thankfully.

I'm pretty miserable at the situation. I'm really happy at how loyal my gf was during all this, but I just feel like this venture into being a bit more social ended miserably. It's just more confirmation that I don't understand people or how to help them feel that I like them (I do like people, I just find it difficult/impossible to show it and to forge a connection).

I just feel like sinking myself back in to my interests and reading books, it's the most comforting thing. I hope me and my gf find some better friends to hang out with (more for her, she gets depressed without socializing). I'm hoping to get officially diagnosed with AS next month so maybe I need to start telling future friends about it in advance before they start getting offended all over again. Sigh. I'm glad to be rid of those mean traitorous people though. Anyone else experienced anything like this?

Yes. My experience was very, very close to yours. With the following differences: (1) We were married so it was obviously much more difficult for her friends to say, "this isn't the kind of guy you should be with"; (2) her friends stuck by her, mainly because they "got" how hard it was for me to socialize with them (don't know how); and (3) I was an active alcoholic during the marriage, so in addition there was also a lot of "why is your husband passed out on the floor of our bedroom?"

Most of the dialog in your post was almost verbatim what my wife heard and then later conveyed to me. It made me *really* ashamed, and it was also dumbfounding, because I thought I was making an effort -- I really did. You seem to feel the same way. Keep trying. You really have nothing to lose.

I wish I could tell you that my story ended happily. It didn't, so I'll spare you the sad ending. Just know that I identify with your feelings right now but that I don't think it's a lost cause. You seem ready to be social, so would it help to consciously force yourself to do social things that make you a little uncomfortable? You're pretty lucky that your GF is willing to lose friends over you. (Although she probably realizes -- as you do -- the quality of those friends.) It would certainly be a nice gesture to keep trying for her sake. For you to "indulge" your AS tendencies at the expense of her happiness doesn't seem right to me. (And I understand that you feel the same way -- I'm agreeing, here.) Yeah, let's hope that you find some better friends, people who don't have such particular expectations and are willing to let you be you.

My circle of friends have a history of fighting. When I first met my best friend in 2nd grade, we didn't get along that well. We would argue about small stuff, and would sometimes punch and kick each other. After a few years later, we started to learn to get along and appreciate each other. We both have AS so despite the fights we had in the past, we still enjoy each others company and we always help each other in time of need. I'm glad though that you have a gf that sticks up for you. Recently, the rest of my group including myself had to distance ourselves from my friends ex-gf. Unlike your gf, she was treating us like crap after her break-up and was causing problems that almost broke the group apart. Thank goodness the group was still together, so that takes care of one problem. Good luck with your diagnosis though. Hopefully they will understand you if you tell them, but sometimes people will be ignorant. You just have to deal with it.

I guess I would ask first if you liked hanging out with them. If you had to do it out of a sense of duty to your GF that may explain things a bit more. It does sound like they didn't even try to understand the why of it all. People who understand it can still feel offput but they can file that in the "he doesn't mean to be this way that is different from what i understand". Then you can work your side when people are over, such as putting away the ipad when company is there and trying to engage even when the conversation is the usual social drivel with the understanding that "they don't mean to be this way that is different from your norms".

for what it is worth , being friends as a couple with other couples is far more difficult than just individuals hanging out. I read somewhere (sorry not sure where) that it is very uncommon for three couples to get along and be able to hang out together. They did not say this but in my opinion for that to work it relies on the most dominant male being with the most dominant female and so on to avoid conflict.

Try hanging out with a bunch of random people and try not to be so much of a couple as it can make people uncomfortable. If you do this it'd be best to talk with your GF about it forst so she does not think you are avoiding her.

i dunno the situation but perhaps your GF could just hang out with them and you could do something else or try to find other people to hang out with. Obviously you can't do this all the time but if she is friends with them i can imagine she still wants to hang out wth them.

In my opinion people who tell other people they should not be with their partner are cruel and it makes me question their moral character. If someone wants advice about their partner they will ask rather than be told. of course there are exceptions but very few people would fit those exceptions.

personally i think being in a relationship is great but couples are almost universally boring. to other people.

good luck

Anyone who would stop speaking to someone because they didn't like their significant other is obviously not a "friend" at all. Your girlfriend should consider it a blessing that she lost these people. Even in cases where I felt like someone I cared about was being verbally abused or mistreated by their boyfriend or girlfriend I did not stop speaking to them! That is low.

When you are with company, it's almost always incredibly rude to turn your attention to your iPad, iPod, cell phone, computer, or some similar device unless this device is integral to the social situation (for example, looking up movie times so you can all go see a movie),

When you are with company, your attention should be on the group and the individuals within it, or the activity on which you have all agreed to focus, such as a tv show, movie, or game.

Your "friends" actually gave you valuable advice. Now you know what areas you need improving on as far as your social skills go. Generally, it seems you need to make more of an effort to involve, and engage yourself in social situations, and share and listen to others as well. Perhaps the situation with your "friends" can still be mended if you...

1. Apologize. Tell them you have AS and didn't mean to come off as you did (if you really didn't mean it).
2. Make an effort to improve your social skills.

If not, well, you don't always have to be friends with your girlfriend or wives friends. You just need to keep yourself from being their enemy.

I have to admit, I'm constantly on my iPhone, even when I'm spending time with people. My friends & family find it to be an amusing quirk of mine. No adult should be so insecure that they demand someone's full attention. I am not on my phone during a first date or a job interview, but I sure am on it if a group of us are just hanging out. Maybe that's "rude" to some people, but I think those people are childish for even caring. They should purchase a puppy if they need constant adoration.

When I'm spending time with my friends & family, we've obviously already bonded. And when I have something to add to the conversation, I do. None of them think it's rude that I'm always texting/Facebooking/emailing on my phone, just as I don't think it's rude if they are always on their laptop editing pictures or always burying their nose in a book, etc. I don't hang out with people that need to be center stage every second. People that need you to always look at them when they are speaking and validate their every word. I have no patience for that.

How in the world is texting, emailing or Facebooking any different from posting on this message board? I'm on my phone replying to you right now, just as I reply to a number of others throughout the day. I'm pretty sure that AS has never prevented anyone from typing. For me I think it's a stim, like my humming and pacing.

As far as having friends and family members goes, that has nothing to do with AS either. I'm no social butterfly, I just have some people in my life that love and accept me despite my quirks.

I know one thing though.. If I was hanging out with the OP, I wouldn't get so angry he was on his iPad that I'd make an issue of it. Part of having friends is being a friend, and allowing people to be who they are without trying to judge or change them.

I do not know what to tell you. Yes, I have a lot of friends. I met most of them online, through different social networking sites. I'd talk with them like I'm talking to you now, and then we'd meet up eventually. I don't find talking to people online any different if I know them than if I do not. I don't think AS has any effect on my online communication. I don't like handshakes, high fives, eye contact, or small talk. I never have to deal with any of that online though. And I still don't get how AS effects family? I am the oldest of 7 kids. AS doesn't prevent me from keeping in touch with siblings.