Am I faking it?

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Hi everyone! Never started a thread before, but this just popped into my head as I posted on the "stimming" thread. I hope someone can relate to what I have to say.

I've had a strange thought process throughout my life of "am I faking it?" This came waaaaaay before any glimmer of mental illness or AS in my perception. I've always trouble in school and at home growing up (outbursts, tantrums/meltdowns, etc) and was treated as if I could help myself if I just tried harder (grew up in rural farm country where the attitude seemed to be that a good smack upside the head would solve any malady). So I learned to treat all issues, imagined or otherwise, as if they were things that I was doing on purpose.

An example....I've had times when I've diagnosed myself (as early as middle school) with various conditions, ranging from schizophrenia to OCD. However, I always had a little voice say "now Jim, how could you possibly think that you have a mental illness or condition? That is for people who need help. You need to stop fooling yourself...you're not "special" enough to deserve such a label; you just need to work harder" (incidently, I recieved this same sort of reprimand some ten years later from a shrink in a hospital interpreting the MMPI, acting as if he had some sort of God given right to push people around).

I recognized this quality when reading "Look Me in the Eye" by John Elder Robison. He said he had the same thoughts of "what if they find out who you really are? You don't have any talent at all".

So this is my conflict with AS; for some reason I think I'm not "special" or "deserving enough to have a condition. I've always felt like there was a censor in my head telling me I was delusional. It's probably why I thought I was schizophrenic and why I've been diagnosed as such. Even getting high scores on the Aspie quiz made me feel odd, as if there was a flaw or I did "a bad job" on the quiz. Perhaps this is from being raised in a backwater school system and society; I don't know.

Anyhow, anyone else have these thoughts? I hope I'm not the only one

Interesting. I think many Aspies sense early on that we are "different" from everyone else, but don't know why. I was a late bloomer and didn't figure out I was "different" until I was eight, but it's been hammered home since! It seems to me that it would follow that we would look for what makes us different. For some of us, it's impossible to figure out. I never could figure out why I couldn't fit in no matter how hard I tried; it wasn't until I was an adult that I read an article on AS and said, "Wait a minute...." You got way closer than I did in realizing it was something in your brain wiring; you just weren't sure what condition it was that caused you to feel different from those around you. Possibly discovering you didn't have schizophrenia or OCD (I'm assuming you don't; sorry if I misunderstood your post) has made you feel like you are a hypochondriac -- or "faking it" to explain yourself. I never felt I was faking my difference; my classmates and co-workers have made it obvious to me since I was a child.

It sounds something like a kid with a Learning Disorder being told, "You can do it if you just try harder." My parents used to tell me the reason I couldn't do math was that I didn't like it. No; the reason I didn't like math is I can't do it -- I have a Learning Disorder. Being told you can be just like everyone else if only you try harder is going to make you nervous and/or resistant to anything that explains why, no matter how hard you work at it, you can't "just be normal." Some part of you honestly believes that you just aren't trying hard enough, and that part is telling you that you are "faking" AS, using it as an excuse.

Go talk to a doctor. Get a diagnosis. If you have AS, you'll be able to tell that "Am I faking?" part of you, "No; the people who understand and diagnose this know it's real!" It's it's neither an excuse nor a crutch. It's just a part of who you are!

I've been Dx'ed as schizoaffective, but I've checked out "candid" youtube vids of all possible conditions....untreated or even treated schizoaffective seems completely alien to me, whereas AS folks feel comfortable when I see and hear them. It seems that if someone is comfortable around those with AS it should at least be a consideration.

I find one incident rather amusing...I was working at a park two summers ago, and there was a girl about sixteen with moderate AS. I found her fascinating, and we talked about her science interests on a drive home. I had a chat with her one day about me possibly having AS, and she suggested that I consider it. If someone with moderate social deficits can see a condition, it seems a logical choice. I'm always fascinated with girls that have AS; for some reason I find their awkwardness and nerdiness very refreshing.

Thanks for the response! I don't want to eat up the thread with a response though

We're all faking something, if that makes you feel better.

If you're not sure whether or not you're an Aspie, you have 3 choices. 1) keep wondering. 2) research it until you feel confident about it, one way or the other, or 3) get a formal evaluation for the condition. I can't recommend option 1 - it doesn't help anything. Option 3 can be expensive, depending on where you are and whether or not you have insurance, and can also be quite inconvenient. In my case, I'd have to drive 100 miles or so to get to someone who could evaluate an adult. Not very practical. I'd probably recommend option 2, at least as a start. Once you feel more secure in your self-diagnosis, you can then move on to option 3 if it seems warranted.

And please, add as many replies as you want. Your comments are the only way we'll know if we are presenting things clearly or not.

If it's at ALL possible, I recommend Option 3 from above. I wondered and researched and I STILL thought maybe I was faking it. I'd gotten all sorts of diagnoses prior to being evaluated formally for AS, but all of them were the result of talk therapy, during which I discussed my issues, my traumatic childhood, my relationship difficulties, etc... always one or two symptoms, but not the full range, so it was always different. There was never any full formal evaluation with IQ testing involved as well. I underwent 10 hours of testing over three days. I was lucky that my university insurance paid for it (except a $60 co-pay) and that I live in a large city where there happens to be an expert in diagnosing adult women who also happens to take my insurance. You may not be so lucky, but if you can pursue it, that is the most conclusive. I was sure not to research too much to try to "outwit" the IQ test (which of course I was convinced I could do - Aspie arrogance? IDK...). At any rate, that's the only thing that gives me confidence in the knowledge that I have AS.

I've mostly done the talk therapy, and had a run in with the police (well, THEY ran in, I was sitting on the floor). So I'm schizoaffective because I "had a psychotic episode" when being confronted in a very hostile manner. so eh...

I keep thinking I should ask my therapist's permission to let myself go in session; the only reason I appear normal is because I'm very used to subduing myself. However, as soon as I'm out of the office, my external dialogue with myself comes out in full force. With the exception of feeling embarrassed in public when I stim or talk to myself, I'm actually okay with my eccentricities. I remember my parents saying to one another when I was probably four or so "we have a very strange son" (my parents liked to talk about me as if I was a NPC So I'm used to being strange, but resist a name b/c of the inner voice.

I should see how he reacts when I come fully out....only my parents really know what I do, and their response is "whaaaaaaa...???" (I love the incredulous tone I get at times).

If you aren't 100% open and honest with your therapist, you are doing both of you an enormous disservice. Come out with it already! Otherwise you are just wasting time and money. IMHO, of course.

thanks for the input...I've got a scheduled appointment next week anyhow. I recognize that the clinic (county run) doesn't have many resources. However, you do bring up a good point that I'm wasting time not confronting it in a session. I'll see how next week goes then .

Good luck! Keep us posted on what happens!

I feel that way about myself a lot. I only seriously noticed it recently but I think it may have been something I have always done but never thought about before; the whole "am I faking it?" thing. I do this about a wide range of issues though...for example, if I am feeling sick or whatever, I question whether I really am sick or if I am just fooling myself (and others) into thinking that I am so that I can get out of going to school or something (and this is even the case if I actually throw up). Or if I feel like I'm developing feelings for someone, I ask myself if really I am just trying to fool myself into thinking that because it feels like the 'normal' course of action for a teenage girl. I wonder if I am fooling myself into believing that I have AS even though I can identify with a lot of the associated traits...it's like, I just cannot trust myself at all! I don't even know why!

Last edited by maddycakes__ on 30 Nov 2010, 3:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I wonder if this is an Apsie trait or just a human one... ?

Keep asking these questions until you come to the truth. One thing I have noticed that seems to be a good indicator of whether or not you are faking it is what you do during very stressful times. Because I think people fall back into something innate during major stress and if you happen to have autistic-like symptoms at that time you are probably not faking it.

For example, I've been down to $250 and on the verge of being homeless. All I could do was think about how I was going to survive (I was very stressed) but I would pace around and stim like a ret*d like 4x as much as I normally do. I think major stress brings the truth to the surface.

I hope this doesn't offend, but it made me laugh out loud at my desk. I can SOOOO relate to this. I argued with my fiancé last night and started stuttering so bad that I finally just started pacing around the apartment and curled up into a fetal position and rocked like a damned infant. Thank you for letting me know I'm not along (both with the stress of financial insecurity AND my ret*d reaction to it).

i agree with all she said but i want to add this: if it IS a crutch? if you are using a crutch? it's because you need a crutch. you don't see a lot of perfectly healthy people going about with crutches.
if you see what i mean.


edit: oh my GOSH what a weird word. crutch crutch crutch.

I did finally get a chance to see my therapist (he was sick the last time, so we had to reschedule). I thought I 'd share my experience.

He is open to the possibility of AS. He is encouraging me to find out my medical records from early childhood so that he could evaluate them.

I also think I've misjudged his motives. I thought he was hesitating with distinct diagnoses because they had no set diagnosis. Rather, I think he was attempting to treat me as more of a person than a disability, and thus not trying to say "oh yes, you have this, or this". He seems to rather prefer bringing up information as the need arises rather than give all the information at once. While I do disagree with the diagnoses over the course of treatment, I also see his point of not trying to pin patients with labels in a therapeutic setting.

On the way home from the appointment, I realized that it's not an official document that I want, but just a different view of myself. For instance, it isn't that I avoid personal contact because I think people are after me, but rather that I'm unsure as how to act. That's why I wanted to at least plant the seed, so that my motives are not misjudged as being paranoid.

So just thought I'd update if anyone is following the topic. Thank you for all your responses and feedback; it means so much to have a base with which I can discuss my difficulties.

I'm following... and I agree with your reasoning for wanting a different perspective on yourself. I like it... pursue this!!