Friendly advice

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I have a friend that I met half a year ago, at a common friend's house. We hit it off right away. We came from extreme opposite lifestyles. He is an NT, he was the bully type at school who got his way through harassing people in the schoolyard. Even though I recently discovered I'm an aspie i think he has known for a long time. It doesn't seem to bother him much, although he frequently gives me these smirky grins after a smart-ass comment he makes. As saying I have a higher social rang than you. Kinda establishing his dominance over me in an obvious way. I am the kind of person who doesn't care about that stuff. If he needs to think that he is superior to me in any way. I'll go ahead and let him think so, as long as it doesn't affect my well-being when I'm around him.

Usually I wouldn't even have a second conversation with this kind of person. The thing with this fellow is, he really is a social genius. I feel like I have things to learn from him, and he is willing to show me how. He is always the center of attention in a group. And still with all his friends and girlfriend, he chooses me as a "best friend." Always when he has some spare time, I'm the first one he calls to ask if I wanna hang out or do something. To this day i am still surprised/suspicious towards him. He lies to his girlfriend a lot about where he is and what he is doing. She doesn't like him smoking pot, but he does it anyway. Their relationship is hanging by a thread. When I ask him why he lies to her, he says "I'll just keep it going for as long as I can."
When he is alone with me, I see him putting on these fake personalities. And talks to me in an odd way, like not the way he talks to everyone else. But a more serious tone of voice, as saying "I'm not joking around, will you help me with my problem". I understand there is something he is looking for, but I have no idea what it could be. I am trying to help him, but this thing he is looking for apparently isn't something he can talk openly about. So he has me guessing through his weird questions, and his intricate points of view. I am extremely open minded, probably to the degree most people judge me as dumb. But probably one of the reasons this NT likes to spend time with me. He also seems lo like the way I think. I have a feeling he can see there is an "aspie" world out there, but he cant grasp it. And he is trying to understand it through me... not sure though

He has helped me alot as well, he has introduced me to lots of new people and helping me with my women problem (socializing with women). When I realize I'm making a fool of myself by saying something stupid due to my AS. He always takes my side and helps me on my feet again. We've had lots of good times together.
That said he has 2 personalities when we are together, his happy, helpful, funny personality, and his "angry" personality. I am seeing more of this other personality as of this last month. Lately we were talking while watching a movie. And I didn't get what he was talking about at all, so I sort of ignored him to make him change the subject. He then becomes bored/angry with me for not giving him an answer to his question. And starts acting like a real jerk attacking my vulnerabilities, severely reducing my self-esteem. I know he does this on purpose, because I know him all too well by now. We both know things about each other that we know can hurt or upset the other person. But instead of saying something hurtful or embarrassing back to him, I shut my mouth. Because saying degrading things to each-other is not what I consider a friendship is all about. I try to say to myself it doesn't matter what he says its only words. But words do hurt when they come from someone your care about and consider a friend. Our relationship seems to be coming to a halt or even an end. It's like he is pushing and pushing me to see what I'm going to do about it. But I still have stuff I need to learn from him...
I sorta feel like Frodo following Gollum showing me the path to my destination. I know in reality he is no good for me, but he is all i got.

At times things get awkward between us. But I can't help myself, I just have to see where it ends. I'm not sure which one of us needs the other more. This probably sounds a bit gay (no offense to gays btw) but it feels like we are 2 lost souls trying to stumble our way together through life in the dark.

Anyone with a similar experience? Or know what I can do to prevent him from getting all worked up if I don't understand what he is talking about?

Is he actually socially successful, or have you just convinced yourself that he is? I would assess how long he keeps friends for - it is easy for some extremely unpleasant people to move through life finding a constant supply of new friends, with no permanent attachments and a lot of hurt behind them. His attitude to his girlfriend may be a clue.

If he is a friend, and a positive influence, then good luck with the continuing relationship.

I've run into a similar problem on some website, a few years ago. Needless to say, our friendship ended. He dropped me. I wish that it was the other way around. He was nice at first, than things turned ugly. He discouraged me from talking about a special interest that I had. I've had dreams about going back and changing the outcome. Being myself instead of becoming depressed to the point that my personality made a 360º turn. I'm surprised that nobody in my family cared enough to admit me to the hospital to get the help that I needed, when it happened a few years ago.

sounds a little bit similar to a friendship i used to have.

eventually i felt quite abused and took a hike.

ok I think I can really empathize with this and I have kind of been in the same spot before.

Yes I know the odd feeling of someone who you recognize isn't the type of person who you are usually friends with, and in fact seems like the type of person who would have bullied you in school. I know this feeling. It seems almost as though they know it too. They can sense that you are the type of person they used to bully, that you are "different" in another sense. But for some reason they like you.

You mentioned this guy has some personality flaws such as the polar personality.

My guess is that while this guy seems outwardly social and has lots of friends and a girlfriend, he is very "troubled". His personality might be very flawed. Other people can see it, and when they get to know him past his "party" persona, they don't want anything more emotionally to do with him.

He might have a ton of "friends" who smokes pot and drinks with, but they aren't really there for him in the deeper sense. People can pick up on this stuff and even some "apparently social" people just don't have many friends. There is something that turns people away from wanting to connect with him.

I think that's where you come in. You are there for him in a deeper sense where no-one else is. No-one else really cares about him or cares listening to what hes feeling. Other people might judge him, but you don't.

Since it's hard for us to make friends we have to be a bit more open-minded and this is a good example of a very precarious friendship which you are in. This person is the type who you DON'T want to be on the bad side of, and you are still suspicious of why this guy is befriending you. You might not be sure of where you stand.

Your conscious is telling you that this is wrong, because he is lying to his girlfriend. That is something you would NEVER do. But this guy is, and you are friends with him. Even though a friends business with his missus is none of your business unless you know his girl real well, he is EXEMPLIFYING a trait that is 100% against what you believe in.

Just go with your gut. For some reason we don't have a lot of friends, and the friendships we have are different. This is just life. He might be a true friend.

But be strong, and try not to rely on him for meeting new people.

He might be using you to elevate himself................He might even look down on you or pity you. Try to give your take 50% in the conversations. Is he doing most of the talking? Does he care about your stuff?

--------you could also get him drunk......Risky if he is going to beat you up, but his true feelings toward you will probably come out.

Thanks lightening020, you seem to understand my situation very well.
I do think he has some personality issues, but I am not a psychiatric so it's hard to know what to do about it.

I don't know his girlfriend that well. But it bug's me when she calls me on my cell to ask where he is, and if I'm together with him he tells me to tell her "I don't know." I really don't want to lie for him. I'm split because he has showed me a lot of goodwill and promise. And as far as I can tell he hasn't lied to me yet.
I think maybe I'll try to get him drunk, we have never been really drunk together. This guy is definitely someone I don't want pissed at me. I am fairly sure he is willing go out of his way to hurt me, if I rub him the wrong way. If there are other people around, I don't think he will try to beat me up. Because then his "reputation" would be on the line.

Your already crossing a point where you don't want to be. You shouldn't have to lie to anyone. You don't want to be in the middle of him and his girl. That's a no-man's land. Unless you knew his girl personally before, their affair is none of your business. BUT they are both putting in the middle involuntary on your part and that is kind of sketchy. This smells of toxicity. The girl sees that your a trustworthy person and that's why she thinks she can count on you.

One thing that you can and should do is next time you are with him and his girl calls you, tell her straight up "hey listen, I don't know where he is, Please don't call me asking". I wouldn't shout or sound angry. The point of this of course is to assert yourself and also to TEST him. He might get pissed off at you telling you not to talk to his girlfriend that way. You need to stand up for yourself telling him that it is none of your business to be the in-between him and his girlfriend. This is where his feelings about you should come out. If he really thinks of you as some lower being who isn't entitled to assert and express yourself, then HE should be PISSED. Whatever his reaction, will give you some clues.
------ITS very VERY VERY EASY to give advice. This takes a lot of courage. I am not sure I could do it. THINK very carefully before listening to any of my advice.



I am kind of paranoid person. I have been taken advantage of before in the past. Weather or not it is a malicious intention or not. When I had a car in HS, somehow all of my friends didn't have a car. It just kind of works like that, but it's not going to happen again.

You don't really know if he is lying to you or not. He already lies because he is dishonest with his girlfriend. That is the kind of person he is, so if he tells you something of course it is going to seem credible, and you should be rightfully a bit suspicious. Who really knows what he is saying about you when you are not there?

I am not trying to raise your paranoia. I am just saying you don't know. What about the "common" friend who introduced you? Those people who share a circle with you and this guy are probably a good starting point. Do they treat you differently after you two became friends? What do they know about him. I don't have any advice for this except try to be very subtle.



Do you really want to be friends with someone you are afraid of? Someone who on a "bad" day might just beat you up or someone else up just for the heck of it? That may or may not be this guy, but you get what I am saying.

I think maybe you should get him buzzed but not drunk. You don't want him shitfaced. But either way if you notice his personality turning for the worst that may be a clue. Just try to stay calm and act normal and don't drink as much as him but still appear as though your drinking as well. This isn't foolproof of course because some people have problems with alcohol and this guy might be one of those. Still though more of how he really feels might come out.

AGAIN please think very carefully listening to my advice. Do what you feels right. I say don't be paranoid try to be strong and try to get to know him better. It's better having friends that none. He could be a good friend.

I hate telling people what to do. Perhaps meditating on the relationship and following your gut will lead you in the right direction. Good luck.

Like I said it is easy to give advice and I really think he should think twice before listening to what I said, I don't want him to end up with a blackeye.........

...But the problem with instinct is that it needs to be modified. My instinct if it is any similar to his or yours is to shut out someone like this, because so many previous instances where I was naive and not thinking right got me into trouble. So now I am a little bit over-paranoid and too judging of other people. I am too over-cautious. But then again I must have a REALLY good reason why I am like this in the 1st place...you hear what I am saying?

It's time to expand and meet people, because I have very few friends, and just like we are all different, so is this bully guy he is talking about.

Any new information updates?

I've had a lot of friendships like this, with people that are really nothing like me. I'm going to say I was always the most honest person they knew and would trust me with a lot of things they wouldn't tell anyone else. It's hard for them to really let go so they don't always come right out and say what they mean, I've always been as honest as I can with them.
I had a couple friends that were really bully types as well, this is a pretty tricky situation. I think he might value your opinion more than he lets on, he also might be too insecure with himself to admit it. People who act like this are not healthy social people, he's getting help from you, just in his jerky way. Be confident and know that he is getting help from you, you are not just his little project.

Ok here is the update.
On saturday my friend asked me over to his apartment to hang out. I told him on the phone I would bringing some beer, because I felt like drinking. He was silent for a second but said ok. So I don't think he suspected me setting him up or anything. We played xbox and drank beer for a couple of hours, and I noticed our conversations started "loosening up" he was certainly getting abit tipsy. Although so was I...
I went to the kitchen to drink some water trying to moderate the buzz. I saw a knife lying on the counter and felt a chill go down my spine. What if he got really mad for what I was gonna confront him with. I always imagine the worst possible scenario. About an hour later we were out of beer, I couldn't really tell how drunk he was, but he looked and sounded fairly hammered. The phone rang and friend of him wanted to join us, I didn't know this friend particularly well but I didn't fell I could reject him coming over. He was gonna bring more beer. I then though I had to confront my friend before he became even more drunk, and if anything were to happen the other friend was on his way to intervene.

I mustered up and I asked him why he liked hanging out with me. He was very surprised by my question and he just laughed at first and said your drunk. But I got persistent and said No really why do you like hanging out with me? You have plenty of other people more outgoing and interesting than me. He stared at me, then looked at his game controller and said. Don't you like hanging out with me? Yes of course I do, but why do you like me so much? The look he gave me was weird and cold, and he said, Do you want me to sit here and brag about your positive qualities? No I said, I just don't really know where I stand with you. I mean if I were in your shoes I wouldn't pick me as a first choice friend. And then he just avoided the question completely by asking me another question. Do you feel uncomfortable when you are alone with me? He said it with a mellow low tone that didn't sound anything like his drunk tone of voice a minute ago.
I was so unsure what to say to this question, because I was nervous and more unsure that ever what to make of him. I didn't want to continue the interrogation, so I did the only thing that came to mind. I said I needed to pee. When I came back from the toilet, he was back to his "drunk" self as if nothing had happened, yelling Ow did you see that slam? (we were playing UFC on the Xbox) I sat down quietly and tried to continue as if nothing had happened as well, but I felt really uncomfortable. I had discovered a side of him I had not seen before, but I had no idea what it was.

His other friend knocked on the door 15 minutes later. It was nice to have him come and break the awkwardness in the room. But I didn't feel like staying or drinking anymore. So I left.

I now sit with an eerie feeling towards him and I'm unsure what to say to him next time we meet. He completely avoided my question, I also think he knows how I feel about the situation but for some reason just wants to go on as if nothing happened, but I'm not sure I want to.

Well, atleast he doesnt want to lick your butt. next time just tell him that His personality is offending you, but overall you think hes a great guy but please dont act that way around you

oh wow man that must have been really weird, but you did have the courage to ask him.

From what your saying this situation just seems really weird.

He may remember what you said, or he may not. Or he may be pretending to forget it.

It sounds like he may be on some kind of medication. But that's just my guess

I just say follow your gut. I am amazed you did all that, good luck.