Aspie men passive? Seem secretive/secluded?

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I seem t have a knack for attracting aspie men.

I believe that the current one I am seeing is an aspie too. He is in his late 30s, very good looking. He seems naive at times but is actually quite smart and has a passion for history. In general, he is passive and wants the woman to approach him. He is very good in bed, BTW. He can't seem to be able to say NO easily and there is something about him that comes across as secretive.
Many people think he is gay....myself included. I have asked him if he was in the past and his reply was that he could easily turn gay if he wanted to. As far as I know, he loves women but has a very developed feminine side himself.
He has many acquaintances but very few if any close friendships. His friends and family complain about not seeing him for long stretched at a time.

He likes to seclude himself at times and be alone and falls into depression easily. He told me that he was very quiet and shy as a child and a few doctors thought that he may have had AS. He has not been diagnosed.

Does it sound like he might be AS?

Well, I may be wrong, but shyness, fluid sexuality, and being submissive aren't currently part of the diagnostic criteria for ASD.

Okay, the part about understanding some social aspects but seemingly unaware of others, that sounds possible Aspie, as well as needing a lot of alone time. About sexuality you might be doing him a favor if you can matter-of-factlly communicate: sometimes it can merely be good and great is what happens unpredictable time if we merely let it. Like riding the zen wave, it dances upward and we just let than. That is, he doesn't always have to be "on game" and performing, etc, etc. Now, for me, sex is almost as much for adventure and it is for pleasure. Now, when I was a teenager, I really believed in the theory of swinging because it seemed a very natural answer to people's inclinations, but I have kind of discovered that I'm naturally monogamous. So, adventure means to me vivid fantasy. And I have a VERY vivid imagination. And yes, some of my fantasies involve games of dominance and submission, and I particularly like the topic of spanking. Well, everyone likes spanking (so common it's almost 'normal') Well, actually, not everyone does, but I sure do.

(Or, he just might be unsure of social signals, not want to be a pushy jerk, and prefer the woman to make the first step and make it reasonably clear what she's interested in)

Well, I really think if you gave him permission not to be a "star" all the time. Permission, gently and matter-of-factly given, to explore his fantasies, step by medium step. As forays, and any particular foray, well, it might work out and it might not, and either way is perfectly okay. I think that would really build your relationship and teamwork.

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And you might underestimate how much alone time he needs by an order of magnitude. I mean, when I was a teenager, I got way into religion, it didn't work out. And I was so far into it, I had to come out the other side. I had to think through it and decide it probably wasn't true, and that was real scary and real hard intellectual work (and hard emotional work, although I didn't realize that at the time). It took a lot of walks, a lot of bike rides, a lot of sitting in my closet alone or in the garage, reading or trying to write honestly.

I have similarly gotten into academic ethics (utilitarianism, Kantianism), peace activism, politics, tax policy, etc. Each one feels like really big issues.

(So sometimes I have all this going on, and I've tried to share at various times but people weren't really interested or acted like it was weird, and so, yeah, I suppose sometimes I do come across as secretive)

And I bet your boyfriend might have some contributions to make regarding history.

A 'perfect' day for me is a lot of intense intellectual work during the day, and social at night. And sometimes the intellectual work can go over several days and then I need/want social.

Of course, all Aspies are different. And your boyfriend may not be Aspie, he just may march to his own drummer. In either case, more power to him!

And by the way, welcome to our group here

Well, some aspects of social anxiety may be interpreted as shyness (they are not), but yeah, all that sounds like personal attributes, not necessarily signs of autism. In any case, an armchair diagnosis and a buck and a quarter will get you a cup of coffee. In a convenience store, not a Starbucks.



This isn't listed in the DSM yet, either, but it should be.

Best. Post. Ever.

+1

Sounds like me, but I wouldn't call myself passive...I'd call myself passive AGGRESSIVE!! ! MUWAHAHAHA

You guys crack me up!

I crack myself up, hence my surprising mental health.