How do you know whether somone is just tolerating you?

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I'm not sure what the best way of expressing this is. I find that the people who make an effort with me are not people that I want to be friends with. They tend to be people who bore or annoy me. (man that makes me look mean.) But the people I want to be friends with are not as ready to email me or phone me or invite me places. I figure this is because they already have friends and they don't particularly need a new friend. My sister says I should make more effort with people and let them know I exist. But because the only people that contact me are people I don't like it stands to reason that if I have to make an effort to contact people, email them, text them etc then surely I am doing to them what the people I don't like are doing to me, basically, just being a pest. How do I know who I am just pestering and who actually likes me? I have no idea!

In my experience, all people are just tollerateing me, all 'friends' turn out to just view me as a pest and never actually liked me.

However it might not be so in your case so look out for signs of reciprocated interest such as them makeing the 'moves' (eg they email you (not just replying), they ask you on a day out, they phone you). In my experience people make an effort to keep in touch if they like you, if you find its always you doing all the contacting its a sign they maybe just 'tollerateing' you, or that your just contacting too often. Before you cut contact with them or stop being friends, try to hold your self back from contacting them for a while and see if they contact you, that should let you know one way or the other.

The way I see it is that NTs are like cake and popular with lots of people, where as aspies are like anchovies and an aquired taste, so its harder for us to find people who like us.

It can be really tough to read the signs of when someone is genuinely interested in getting to know you or just going through the motions of good manners - I'm still quite often befuddled by it all.

How often do the people who you wan to get to you know invite you to things, or get in touch with you in general? It might be that they don't really email/phone that much either, or it might be that they have a lot of different interests and feel it best to selectively invite their friends to things which they think they'll enjoy, rather than invite everyone to events which they think won't interest them.

I wish I could tell.

Hmmmm, It's very rare that I get invited anywhere. I feel like just giving up on people. I just don't get how friendships are supposed to work. My sister just seems to get along with people so easily.

When you are in serious trouble (life treatning disease, heavy loss, etc.) and they stick by you.

If people constantly want to get away from you asap, then you could say they tolerate but not accept - they want to talk with you (on regular base) if they do accept you.

Honestly, it confuses me, too. I find that if I don't contact people myself, they don't contact me very often at all or try to keep in touch -- it's not a bad thing, as far as I'm concerned, just a thing. I also know that the frequency with which I contact people has nothing whatsoever to do with the regard in which I hold them. It generally has more to do with how much I've got going on, how much energy I can devote to socializing at that moment and whether or not I've come across anything to share that would be of interest to them. Most people who do contact me do so under the same circumstances -- either they have a problem they think I can help them with, or they have come across something they think I will find particularly interesting. I don't get invited to things very often, either, but I've also been told that it's the new expectation that people will invite themselves along on social outings if they want to go, rather than wait for an invitation, especially if it's being discussed in front of them. It just feels very strange to me to do that.

I've decided to stop worrying about it and just continue doing what I'm doing. If I like someone, I'll continue approaching them in a friendly manner in my own way until they specifically tell me not to. The onus is on them to tell me if they don't want to associate with me; making themselves plain would be an act of kindness to both of us. Yes, it would hurt to find out I'm specifically not wanted by someone I find interesting, but it is even more painful to find this out after having wasted my time and limited energy trying to nurture a connection that simply isn't desired. On the other hand, if I'm not approaching someone as much as they would like, they need to tell me that, as well, so I can amend the situation if I'm interested in doing so and not risk hurting their feelings unintentionally.

I have a gift for reading people. Unfortunately, for some reason, I struggle with reading people's perceptions of me every day.
I'm still learning, but for now, I've come to the realization that communication is key (it's a cliche for a reason, yes?)

I've had friends come and go my whole life. Well, the ones I've got now are worth fighting for. I don't want to see them go. I started with being very honest with them. I told them about my asperger's and my social awkwardness. I told them I've pushed friends away in the past and how they've often withdrawn themselves from me.
I presented an open-door policy, if you will. I asked them to please talk with me if I ever get on their nerves or if them ever feel like withdrawing. I told them what to expect with my quirky character and not to take it personally when I stay back to recharge my batteries and that sharing this with me would hurt me a lot less than if they were to dismiss me entirely.

So, my only advice would be to be up-front and honest from the get-go. If they're good people and worth being your friend, they will understand or at least try. I've only been taking this approach for a little while, but so far, so good.
And make sure you aren't a victim of your own fabricated paranoia, as I have often done. Sometimes, when you go looking for trouble that isn't there, you create it.

Slowly but shurely there always busy when you want some friend time, thats how.
Like for instance. Say you wanna hang out and for the last month they're always doing something at that exact time. They're hoping you get the message but your so desperate for a fun time with them, that you never do

Here are some rules-of-thumb for recognizing those not interested. (Beware salesmen, actors and various predators, of course.)

1. They will not initiate contact with you.

2. After spending time with you they will be vague about a next meeting.

3. When with you their voice will not go up and down much, they will not smile a lot or assume a relaxed posture, they will make limited eye contact, they will not lean toward you or sit close to you and they will not touch you.

4. They will not tell you much about friends, family and work life, they will not reveal their flaws and failures, they will not joke about themselves and they will not ask you about your life.

5. If you are in need, they will show little interest in helping.

It's very difficult for me to tell. For me, since most of my friends have been people from school, the tip-off is that they don't keep in touch over summer break. Here are a few things I noticed in my fake friends: They'd hang out with me only when I initiated it, or when we just happened to see each other. They never texted me or invited me to do anything. They'd say we should hang out "sometime" but never made any actual plans. They didn't confide in me or reveal personal information, and talked mostly about neutral subjects like movies. Given the choice, they'd always talk to their other friends instead of me.

That's a very good question. I have no clue how you can tell. I used to think the only way to find out was to ask the other person.

I don't know how to tell, but I have also come to the realization that it does not matter for me.