Aspies who crave love with abandonment issues

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I would be very interested to hear from people who have AS and abandonment issues.

I am aware that there are many people in the spectrum who suffered from abuse as a child and crave connection and love, but because of their AS they find it so difficult to form the connection they so deeply desire. Their neurology seems to be in conflict with their desires.

Donna Williams was an extreme example of this and as many of you know developed serious identity problems to get her needs met.

I know in the non-autistic world there are many many examples of love addicts who are also love avoiders.......craving the love they never had and yet unable to bear the pain of connection.

However, I am interested in people in the spectrum, how they survive and cope wth having great emotional needs alongside a neurology that does not seem to lend itself easily to closeness.

That would describe me. My needy vibes would drive potential partners away before the relationship could get past a few weeks. Then my first and only LTR (about a year and a half -ha ha) produced my son and I realized what I craved was more of a family connection than a romantic one. It's ironic because I come from a large family of 7.

I like to nurture more than be nurtured.

I see myself as a single woman who possibly gives a kid in a foster home a better life, and foster animals.

A lot of people who end up in foster homes end up in abusive ones, because the scumbags only want the money. I feel sorry for the poor kids getting shifted around and being completely unloved.

As far as animals are concerned, at least fostered animals get taken care of.

How do I cope? I would say, "badly." (meaning, near total isolation) Ugh.

Or the pain of even just getting close (close/initmate friendship) and then having it end. When I hear/see, "don't hold back, what's the worst that can happen?" I have to laugh. I have found out the hard way that my brain can generate the most horrific & awful feelings for up to a (not quite continuous) decade.

Better to have loved and lost? Better to have Ebola virus. At least that suffering ends quickly. Geeze.

On a more serious note, I have wondered if I've become a bit borderline-ish/CPTSD-ish from the accumulated effects of rejections/bullying/loss/social problems in general/etc. (Due to some parental stuff, I'd imagine I'd be predisposed to that, anyway.)

As far as coping in general, the pain seems to be morphing into emotional shutdown, the last year or so. I don't like it, but it's better than feeling anguished all the time.

I crave affection too but I am surrounded by the wrong kind of people. The social group that hated me since 1974 (being neurotypicals). My parents were not the loving, nurturing kind but control freaks and my father was keen on physical abuse and my mum's was into emotional abuse. Before 1974 there was not anything like that. They did show me love but only because they thought I had a learning disability. I was in the special needs system with friends as well. I moved out of that system in 1977. This led to my father being more abusive physically. Also this time I had no friends or relationships at this time even though I tried. I eventually took a liking to a woman which was the only way I could receive love but she lived with her predatory neurotypical parents (thats the kind that threatens you if you don't stay away from their daughter a bit) and that woman lied about me. I could not be happy for anyone starting a new relationship as no one would have been happy for me.

Due to the abuse, I experienced most of my life (both in and outside my family) I have a strong dislike for spoilt brats. Another thing I always lose love in favour of some thicko NT. If I take a liking to someone there is always strings attached ie predatory neurotypicals

Me too. This seems to be a rarity among Aspies, or perhaps just among most people in general. I like/would like having someone want to nurture me, but I want a person to want to nurture me more than I want them to actually do something about it.

I don't know whether I would like someone to nurture me or not. It is always me who has to do the nurturing because I end up in a situation like the one I'm in now with a very disabled person. No one has ever nurtured me and I've wondered what it would be like to be with someone who brought me food and drink when I was sick or otherwise took care of me but I've never had that.

I've come from a broken home/family and as a result I have an abnormal desire for a deep, meaningful relationship, much as you described.

Sometimes I'm intimidated at how much I obssess over the thought.

In my relationships in the past, I was shy at firstabout everything-- but I think that might be normal. Over time I was able to ease up a little, but some things still frighten the jeebies out of me.

One fine example, is sex. Sex is gross. I'm not a germophobe, but I still think the entire act is just plain raunchy. That, coupled with the fact that I grew up in the ghetto where every 15 year old had a kid, makes up why I am still a virgin.

When "The 40 Year Old Virgin" was popular, people joked it was a movie about me. Haw haw haw. Hilarious.

I suspect I might be an Aspie. Though less noticeable than most, I'm usually capable of keeping it under wraps.

Thank you everybody who has contributed so far to this thread.

My most formative earliest years were spent in an orphanage and mental institution, and then was adopted by parents who every day of my life told me I was odd, starange, insane and ret*d.

I have spent many many years coming to terms with my anger, and so much of the deeply held trauma I experienced as a child. I have grieved sufficiently enough to be able to forgive my abusers, though the child in me never can (not it's job)

However, the grief that remains, is the grief of having had to conceal my autism and natural personality well into my adult life, which I now see is of such fundermental importance in being able accept myself and move forward in life.

The extent to which I learned to conceal my natural autistic personality was the extent to which I was humilated, abused and craved to be loved.

My super-advanced adaptive skills born out of adversity and refined through 12-step groups and various psychotheraputic processes brought me out into the world, but this world remained alien to me.

I was formally Dx HFA after years of believing all my difficulties were due to my early wounding experiences. Autism is the missing link.

Such a great irony it is that one of my finest achievements (appearing so convincingly normal) has put me so outside the autistic radar for so long and prolonged this process of intigration and deeper understaning of myself as a person with autism.

I feel like I need a family to care for me. My dad was quite violent and emotionally detached from me during my teen years and my mum was suffering from severe depression so I felt as if I missed out on a lot of the love I needed (my granny died when I was 12 and I never really got over it). All through my teen years I had these weird ideas that maybe I could get a teacher or someone else I trusted to take me home with them and rescue me from my pain. Obviously that never really happens (unless you are a character on Waterloo road) and so I grew up feeling abandoned and helpless. Eventually I got stuffed in a hospital after a suicide attempt and now I am in care. I hate living in care because the staff are not allowed to touch us or give us hugs. I miss my mummy (who's better now )

I am very grateful for the responses on this thread. It reminds me there are others like me who can relate.

Like others here, I had a verbally abusive father who was very distant emotionally and always working so he was never around. My mother was severely depressed and on some occasions showed love and physical contact. But those occasions were extremely few and far between.

I desperately crave intimacy and love. However, I know any woman that tries having such a relationship with me becomes frustrated because I have trouble returning physical contact and real intimacy, especially emotional intimacy. I have only once had a relationship last longer than a few months as a result. Although, I can't say most of the women I have dated have been NT, they certainly didn't have Autism/Asperger's.

In as much as I am a virtual clone of my father with the exception of I have failed where he has succeded (I believe this had a lot to do with his structured military career) I have always sought his approval, but due to our similarities (both being emotionally inert, highly intelligent as*holes) this will never happen...

As far as romantic relationships go, I prefer to give as much as I get and I think I get as much pleasure from giving my wife a back rub as she gets from recieving it..

I like to get my ego stroked, but know that it pleases others too, so I try to remember to compliment others often.. its a work in progress..

i talked to my real dad on the phone last night. i havent spoken to him in awile so i think i just want a dad now. also i'll be going to santa rosa for my aunts wedding on january 1st.

i also talked with my cousin last night and will see him and his new wife and baby, and all my other cousins. now i just want to live with my dad, i'll probably get an apartment with him and end up staying there when im at the wedding

Having combined Autism, PTSD, and dysthymia diagnoses, I know where you are coming from.

Look up "Complex PTST" if you haven't already. It's not an official diagnosis yet, but it looks like it will be coming in DSM-5. You may find some help there.

Hello everyone!! I'm new. So very excited to meet all of u as you are all the first other Aspies I've "met" before. All of your stories sound so much like mine and I am truly touched by your level of honesty and openess. Thankyou.
Abandonment and love?
I am engaged to the father of my 10 year old daughter, and we have known eachother for 16 years now. We broke up when my child was 9 mths old and reunited a year ago after years of family court battles. In 2007, this man that I love enlisted the help of my remaining family to abduct my child and it took a manhunt and 3 weeks to retreive her. His reasons were that he was sick of dealing with me and had found a new mother for our child. Due to his failure to remove me from the picture, my family disowned me and moved to another state without telling me. My mother wrote me out of the will.
2 years later, he came to me full of remorse and I forgave him. But, my mother and brother upon hearing about this, have more hatred for me now than ever!! !!
I know that I will feel the greif of abandonment for the rest of my life but I also know that this does not mean that I can't be happy in a general sense.
I have abandonment issues with my fiancée, but I also love him deeply and altho we are dysfunctional in some areas, the functional parts are what we focus on: I am only content with my relationship because we have decided to end the eternal quest for functionality, and embrace the dysfunction ( excuse the pun)
I have to nurture, I love it, but will switch it off like a switch and become very unpleasant if my partner does anything which reminds me of past abandonment. I know this is unhelpful and am working on it. My partner is not the most nurturing person all the time, but he has his moments. I can never get enough affection, but expecting him to smother me with love all the time is stupid because I know I'd end up resenting it if I didn't have my own space!! !! !!
Sex: I either want it or I don't, there is no inbetween. I know this is because of being the victim of a paedophile for over a year when I was15, being raped by thr first guy I ever loved, sexually harrassed by multiple male employers and raped after having my drink spiked 5years ago (and other stuff). So, I can enjoy it if I constantly remind myself beforehand that this is an act of love, but if for instance I forget to remind myself, I will then make up excuses to get out of it, which leaves him blaming himself. It is a constant effort and a heap of work. But it's worth it for me. Anything that comes easily tends to go easily too, so I have discovered that the only things worth having are the ones which you have to work for, and it can be exhausting but rewarding too.
Now this is the interesting bit. I think my partner is an Aspie, which would explain why he puts up with me when NT boyfreinds gave run a mile within weeks.
When I told him that, he outrightly rejected it, but he goes quiet when I give specific egs of his behaviour and point to descriptions of it in one of my Aspie books.
I guess, because I have not known any other Aspies, and because I am emotionally involved, therefore subjective, I could easily be wrong, so it will be enlightening to see whether the specialist who formally diagnoses me in Brisbane next year, agrees.
Perhaps only Aspies can really ever be somewhat successful in love after years of abandonment issues if they are with other Aspies??? I don't know. Seems that attempting any intimate relationship with an NT is futile because without similar experiences, it's the NTs who display no empathy. My fiancée also has deep abandonment issues....
Aspies are more likely to accept more from other Aspies than they would from NTs, unless the NT had abandonment issues too????
Hmmm, can't wait to see what the diagnosis is and whether it blows my ideas out of the water or confirms them.

hi Chris,

I recently went to an autism talk by adults with AS and I thought of you when the last speaker Marc Fleisher came on, as he was very similar to you and had ocd and AS and had writen books. You might be able to go to one of his talks or email him (he has the same publisher) I think you would like his books.
www.autismoxford.org.uk/speakers.html
http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1069

thinking of you
kathleen xx