Was this an innappropiate thing to say?

Post Reply New Topic

So, I was shopping with a group of girls for a costume. One girl went to the plus sized section (she is not plus sized). I was trying to be helpful because I thought, maybe, she went there by mistake. I said to her "you are in the plus size section!" she didn't say anything, and I repeated it. She still didn't say anything. Then I just walked away. I just realized that maybe she thought I wasn't being helpful, but calling her fat or something? Did I say something wrong?

Yeah, that would probably be considered inappropriate. I don't know what the appropriate thing to say is though.

When I was a teenager and young adult, I often had difficulty talking loudly enough and with knowing if I was talking loudly enough. There were often times where I'd say things in a group or in a store and think I was ignored, when in reality, they probably didn't hear me.

Other than that, the only thing I can think of is that she knew she was in the plus size section and didn't care to hear about it or maybe she was embarrassed for other shoppers in the plus-size section who might not want that pointed out? But really, I don't think you did anything terribly inappropriate.

I don't see how she might have thought you were calling her fat.

It wasn't that bad. You probably should have let her find out for herself, though.

When I was a kid and young adult, I would say something over and over and get louder and louder if the person didn't respond thinking they didn't hear me or weren't paying attention and then they would get mad at me.

I don't know what you did wrong. If she isn't plus size and you pointed that out to her what section she is in, I don't see how it would be offensive and why she would just ignore you.

You know that stereotype of that woman who takes everything as a comment on her appearance and especially as a comment on her weight? Those women exist.

She probably thought you were mocking her weight. It's probably a sensitive subject for her if she thought she'd find something that would fit her in the plus size section. You probably added to her embarrassment when you repeated yourself, since, if nobody had heard you drawing attention before, they'd probably heard you the second time, looked, and saw her.

So yes, in her mind, and in the minds of many other girls, you said something wrong. I'm not sure how you can fix it beyond saying something to one of your mutual friends like "I was really surprised to see Susy head over there. She's definitely not plus-sized." Maybe just leave it at that. Pick someone she consults with. With any hope they'll pass along your side of the story.

I think there's a difference between being inappropriate and simply not being tactful on a fine level.

OP, I don't think you should worry about it. I used to worry constantly about stuff like this. But I've learned that not every facial expression or action has a meaning, as much as that might offend one's drive to analyze everything.

Just leave it, better to forget about it. I think this is a blunder of theory of mind...in that she could have had many reasons to move to that section. You presumed to know her intent and you tried to manipulate her behaviour based on it. People don't like that.

I don't see anything wrong, with what you said.

Here's the way I look at it, if I say / do something that hurts / angers someone, it's up to THEM to tell me----if they DON'T, that's on THEM; I can't read minds.

I don't think she necessarily thought you were referring to her weight, she might not have paid attention to the signs about sizing and could have felt you thought she was stupid. Or she could have been distracted and hardly noticed what you said.

Really tactful people I know would say something about "that cute costume over here" and redirect a person without ever saying they did anything wrong. Or "I get mixed up all the time, I think our sizes are over here, does this look right to you or am I still lost?". It is peaceful to talk to someone who looks to solve social unease almost before it happens. I know someone so good at this, she makes everyone feel good when she talks to you.

I agree with Ezra, though. Not using every nuance of tactfulness doesn't mean you were inappropriate.