How to tell my sister about AS?

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Next week I will be meeting my sister (who is four and a half years younger than me) who is not living at home anymore. My intention is to tell her about my AS. Neither she nor my parents know about it at the moment.

I am not certain if I should tell my parents as it could either improve or worsen things between us. That is one reason why I am going to tell my sister - I want to hear her opinion on whether or not to tell our parents. She is one of the few people who understands how things are between them and me.

At the moment, my sis only knows that I want to tell her something important about myself and that it is nothing to worry about. She probably thinks by now that I found myself another girlfriend and don't know how to break the news to our parents.

I am already fairly certain how I will bring the topic up. After exchanging news about the rest of the family I will ask her whether she has heard about something called Asperger's syndrome before, which I am fairly certain that she hasn't. So the question is how to go on from that point. (If she has against all expectations already heard of AS, the rest of the conversation is going to be pretty easy.)

In particular, I am wondering whether I should bring up the topic of autism and how it is quite similar in many respects to AS or whether that would confuse my sister too much and make her think that things are more bleak than they really are. Or should I just try to explain AS as something that has to do with an uncommon way of thinking and seeing the world and not make a connection to the autistic spectrum at all?

Has any of you had a similar conversation with a person close to them before? I would be greatfull for any suggestions/opinions you could give me.

I would say my autism is about as invisible to others as it gets, that being said, my close family wasn't surprised in the least. Once they understood that autism was a spectrum and we are not all like rain man, who I am made a lot more sense to them.

It might take a bit of explaining, you probably have to bring up how it's high functioning autism, how Einstein and other great thinkers were thought to have it, stuff that might seem hokey but it's her first time dealing with it. But really, it's not like telling her you have cancer and it might get worse. You are who you are, I don't think bringing up autism is bad, this is a topic you know about and more communication can be healthy.

Got to operate by who you think she is.

I told one brother expecting scorn and rejection. Got it.

Did not tell one sister - figure she would freak.

Told the other sister - got "how interesting". Politely uninvolved. Expected that.

May I ask why you want to tell your parents?

To me "Aspergers" is just a name. I very rarely tell people, unless they ask me directly. Or something part of my personality which is caused by autism, is causing real problems, meaning it is more of a last resort. The third reason is if im a little drunk, but lets not go there

Maybe its because I just don't like using it as an excuse, and would rather tell people about the specific problems.

However, its up to you if you tell them, as your autism/aspergers would most likely affect you in a different way to me, so it would be inappropriate for me to completely judge..

But one consideration you may want to take into account for is that you haven't been diagnosed according to your proficle. Im not saying as a result you dont have it, but your parents/sister may be skeptical, and therefore think you are simply using Aspergers as an excuse. So you may want to try and prepare yourself for this.

Also you may want to mention autism first, and then talk about aspergers, especially if its likely they havent heard of aspergers, but most people do have some (if not a fairly inaccurate/general) knowledge of autism as a whole.

Anyway good luck with it, and hope it goes well

PS For the better/worse scenario with your relationship with your parents, which you stated earlier. You may wish to analyse the potential drawbacks of telling them, and see if you're prepared for them to occur, if this potential response occurs. Bit like Expect the worse, Hope for the best sort of attitude.

The fact that I haven't got an official diagnose (yet) is one of the reasons why I'm not certain if I really want to tell my parents. Things between them (more specifically, my mother) and me have not been easy in the past. We have a habit of getting into huge verbal fights, which are few and far between but always extremely exhausting and painful to me.

I am coming to realize that while those fights have not been caused by my AS it has certainly made them even more difficult. Turns out I am more pigheaded than I always thought I was. In the past I attributed those fights and a lot of other things solely to my mother and I know she has felt hurt by that. Now that I am developing a better understanding of my own personality, I would like to explain those things to my mother and to apologize for them.

But I am afraid that it will not go down well and AS will turn into yet another weapon she can hurl at me in a fight. She manages to hurt me with a lot of things that I never expected to be hurt by. By now I don't think she is being mean or vicious about it, but she simply does not understand me well enough to handle certain situations,

So telling my parents about AS might help them to understand that I am not deliberately difficult but that I simply don't know how to properly handle certain situations. But on the other hand they might see it as an attempt to talk my way out of things and out of responsibility, especially as I have learned quite a lot of social scripts by now and thus appear more or less "normal" to most people.

My sister has had many of the same fights and issues with my mother, so I am hoping that she can help me figure out how great the risk would be in relation to the possible gains. Moreover, I want my sister to know. I think she is able to handle it pretty smoothly and I would like to at least have someone in my immediate surroundings who knows why I am different. Also, from what she has told me about herself, I think she has some AS-like traits, though it is not fullblown AS with her.

Even without an official diagnose, I think my sister will accept my AS as real because she sees a lot of things about me, herself and the rest of our family more clearly than my parents do. I don't even expect her to be much surprised once she figures out what AS is about.

The idea to mention autism first and AS after has a certain appeal. Autism is much better known to most people in Germany. Asperger's is hardly a topic around here at all. Only I am uncertain whether that might not make my sister think of AS as a severe and disabling condition which (for me) it is not. I do not want her pity, I just want to give her a chance to understand me a bit better.

Maybe I could start out mentioning autism, then move on to explain how social issues are a part of that condition and then explain that AS a milder form of autism in which a lack social proficiency is a core component? I think she could understand that pretty well.

Like Skinnyboy mentioned above, AS is a condition that will not get worse and in fact may improve over time, so I will try to emphasize how my sister does not have to worry about me. AS may be a bit much to take in one go, but after a good night's sleep, I think my sister will actually feel better to have a name for the "weirdness" I have always exhibited.

Sorry this got so long, but my family matters are complicated once you start to figure in the emotional side of things and I don't know how to explain this in less words.

Just wanted to add a little update in case anyone was wondering what became of the whole matter...

Yesterday I finally had that conversation with my sister and it all went smoothly and beautifully. There really was no need to be so worried beforehands.

As soon as I mentioned the word autism in relation to myself, she was very attentive. The first thing she said in answer to that (and I really hadn't done more than rather casually mention autism at that point) was: "Oh, really? So it something like autism, Asperger's, treating emotions with your intellect rather than your instincts?"
I really was like for a moment. Then she explained that in an Internet forum where she writes someone else had mentioned a family member with Asperger's and as that sounded somewhat familiar to her, she had done some reading up on the matter. Turns out she had acquired a basic knowledge of AS and figured that it described me pretty well, but that she had left it at that. Obviously she had not known how to explain things to me. After all, telling somebody that they very likely are on the spectrum makes for an awkward conversation at best.

All said and done, we had a very nice evening together and we both agreed that I am probably better off not telling my parents about AS, as they (more specifically, my mother) would probably not handle it very well. The bottom line is that my sister agreed to give me some ASD-related books for Christmas, which will be a very helpful thing for me as I am still working out the details of how AS has influenced my life before I was even aware of it.

Now I am happy I told her as I can now turn towards my sister whenever I am more troubled by my AS than I can deal with on my own.

That is wonderful things worked out so well. My sister and I had a rocky relationship at best and she started trying to understand me. First she thought that I just had dyslexia, which I have too, and she volunteered to work with dyslexic kids and told mom, those kids dont act like her. Thats when my mom told her that I have AS, and she did some research and not sure what happened but she has really tried to make things smoother between us which is good because I really admire her.

Well if your mom has the tendancy to fight unfairly...it is best not telling her, at least until you get a dx. Some many un-dx folks here have a hard time with parents believing them because their parents dont want to admit it.
When you are still learning about it is not the time to fight battles with denying parents.

congrats on your discovery!

Jojo

That's great! so she was probably wondering if she should tell you while you were wondering if you should tell her

Too bad you can't tell your parents tho, hopefully you will be able to at some point, maybe they would understand you better if they knew.

Shadi

It's so cool how your sister reacted.

I am really relieved at how well everything worked out and I appreciate sll your kind words, jojobean, Shadi2 and wavefreak58. I would so much like to get a similar reaction from my parents, but I know that would be too much to expect, so I'll just enjoy my sister's very friendly reaction and try to work on my side of things to make matters run more smoothly between me and my parents in the future.

It is not impossible your sister will bring it up in the background, which might ease the transition.

The only value I see in having a diagnosis is for 'use by self'. I envy the kids whose parents come on here and are trying to figure it all out and understand. Same with the significant others who seek more understanding of their AS partners or love interests. But in the real world or in dysfunctional family units it is survival mode. People honestly don't care what doesn't directly affect their life. You are lucky one person in your family has an interest at all. If your mother is not already thinking about other people's feelings then this will change nothing except probably make her more difficult. Dysfunctional family could actually be changed to 'someone completely selfish in a family' who is in a constant power struggle to get the most attention. Anything that challenges the attention this person will resent. Best keep your mouth shut and reserve your disclosures about yourself to someone who asks. If they don't ask they don't care and don't want to know what makes you, you.

I agree with the gist of that statement, alone, and I will not share my knowledge about myself with my parents in the forseeable future.

At the same time I think that the tone and phrasing of your statement sound very bitter and I feel sorry for you as I get the impression you have made some very bad experiences with your own family. Would it help you to talk about it in more depth? You are welcome to write me a PM if you feel the need for privacy.

I'm glad things went well with your sister, I expect things to go well with anyone you have a good relationship with respect on both ends. I'm sorry to hear that you don't think it will go as well with your parents, I don't really talk to my mother much about it either. Every family is different, and every member needs to have their own relationship. If you aren't comfortable with telling your parents don't, at this point in your life, you should just try to make the best of what you have with them.

Well.
Your family already knows you're a wierdo.

The fact you dont get along with your mom is because she doesnt understand you.

By offering an official medical explanation for why you're a wierdo your not going to hurt their opinon of you.

It would probably improve things becaise it would make you more understandable.

So I dont know why it would be difficult.

I'm glad that everything went well. You have a really cool sister.