Update on brilliant inventor aspie husband

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Guys, I wrote several months back about my overworked inventor aspie husband about taking on money losing project of opening a Christmas store---you guys offerd great advice. This was his old darling business, and because of the downturn in the economy and the fact that he already overworks himself (me too) in another successful aspect of the business, I put my foot down and said NO.

Well, this went on for months. I told him to arrange all of the logistics if he wanted it so bad---boy, would he pitch a tantrum over that. Well, deep down, he knew this was not a smart idea, cause he never did it. He is not a dumb business man.

So finally, the other day he said---"hey, you were right, that would not have been smart."


It tells me of the "perservation" of thoughts. Now this is great when working with machines---there is nothing the man cannot engineer or jury rigg. But he gets very nasty when I disrupt very destructive perseverations, even though deep inside he knows they are harmful. But utimately, if I say no, over and over---he will come to light about it. Literally, he has to be told "no" 30 times (yes, it's consistently that amount) before he lets it go. No other logic works---the fact he works 16 days working and tinkering and is overworked already is irrelevant----he can't absorb this logic at once---only "No", does this.

Does anone know how to diffuse the nasty tantrums?

Don't you mean meltdowns?

He has those too. He have perservations, gets exhausted and has meltdowns as a result. The tantrums are meltdowns. But he has them sometimes very frequent. I preserve a very stable and stress free house, so I don't know what to do,

What are his ideas of how to help prevent his meltdowns and tantrums? Is he unaware of the fact that he frequently proposes projects that are a bad idea, and that he eventually agrees after hearing "No" thirty times? He sounds like an extremely intelligent man. If he's aware of these difficulties he should be able to discuss possible alternatives to this unhappy routine. Sometimes surprisingly small changes make all the difference.

Here's the thing----he doesn't acknowledge the meltdowns. He denies them. He is not an overtly dishonest man by any means, but he denies he's throwing fits. He says doesn't remember saying or doing things during these tantrums.

Then, as I said before, everything resets and he acts as nothing happens. We can get in a heated discussion, where I say "no"---he stomps out, and literally 5 minutes later is all happy and smiles. Then he'll bring up the same thing later that day---exact wash-rinse-repreat.

This is a man who is world class and and who has owned many businesses based on his innovations in the past. He doesn't know what "Asperger" means, this is a guy like John Wayne who drives forward---through everyone around him certainly does. He knows he's very weak with the customers---but he blames it on not speaking english well, though he has spoken english for 40 year and he sure as hell knows english---plus, he has these misunderstandings with these people in his mother tongue.

He is a lot like Forrest Gump---he drives forward, supposedly unaware of his condition.

You know guys, this is one of the most amazing men you will ever meet. I would really appreciate thoughts handling a guy who doesn't know he's very, very aspergers.

Wow, in a lot of ways I really admire this man. He plows ahead and doesn't let anything get in his way. You have to find that inspiring.

But at the same time, he certainly needs to understand that not giving up means making tough decisions when it is not easy to back away and the truth is ultimately known. He sounds fairly stubborn, and in a lot of ways reminds me of my Grandfather. If he is anything like my Grandfather, then you have to accept to an extent him the way he is. He is probably very embarrassed by the tantrums and may feel like they make him weak, and maybe that is why he has trouble admitting or accepting them. Confronting him about them may only make him more defensive.

In my opinion, the most effective approach is simply to give your advice (not in a too critical tone) and simply let him make his decisions. People like this don't back down easily, and you've got to respect their free will in my opinion. He may be difficult to live with at times, but you might not find it much more pleasant to live with someone who gives up hope easily. That is the attitude of most of my family, and trust me, it's better to have the fighting spirit, even if stubbornness and tantrums are attached.

Again, I find this story quite inspiring. He must be quite an amazing guy. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks so much. He is a precious human being and a man of very high ethics. The man, because of his social blindness, has suffered and lost so much---he has even had an attempt made on his life from frustrated extortionist (not US mafia). Sent the basterds to prison---but you get it. It does not lose his trust in getting back up and going again.

Of course, he whines and complains ALL of the time---but he never quits his goals and he never wavers in his love--never. I suppose I need to filter and ignore the contant perservative whining (same thing, over and over---no logic will touch) and get in the habit of always saying NO amillion times.

As far as I know, if someone is vehemently denying having issues, to the point of "forgetting" everything that happened during them, even though they happen frequently, what you have is a denial problem. Even if you video-recorded him having a tantrum and meltdown and forced him to watch it afterwards to PROVE it was happening, he'd probably go mad at you because you challenged his view of himself and his reality.

You know that old adage, that you have to first acknowledge a problem before you can solve it? It's true. It's like that old cliche about an old man going deaf but staunchly refusing a hearing aid, refusing a hearing test, and angrily saying that everyone else is constantly mumbling and that nothing's wrong with his hearing.

If he absolutely refuses to believe that any of these things ever happened, he'll refuse any help or any ways of dealing with it. He'll refuse to see a doctor. He'll tell you you're imagining everything. To me, this doesn't sound like an Aspergers problem, it sounds like extreme denial and maybe stubbornness. As far as I know, most of us are acutely and painfully aware that we do have problems and remember our tantrums or meltdowns, long before we knew there was a diagnosis. Probably people have already been telling him he's acting this way his entire life, for many years. He may have built his entire life around extreme denial and will continue to deny everything no matter what evidence is presented. That may be his coping mechanism.

In any case, if he refuses to even discuss it, for whatever reason, you can't force him to change against his will.

Thanks so much for the inputs. And happy Thanksgiving.

It is like he trips circuits. Look, I have a certain understanding, because I am very similar. I am very much ahead of the curve because I learned of Aspergers 15 years ago as a pre med student at college. I have some pretty severe sensory integration and stemming issues. I would misunderstand people---but I practiced and practiced and I have the social thing down very well. I have a bad gluten intolerance, and when I cut that out, a lot of compulsive nervous issues disappeared overnight. So I know almost exactly the pattern of his meltdowns.

And he is in denial, but he is also, I think embarassed as well. He gets sticky thoughts in his mind, and they make him nervous, and he has a meltdown, and he resets. He slowly changes his mind after about 30 iterations. i can tell when he gets into a mood, and I tell him he's getting into a "mood" and that I won't discuss whatever topic this is getting heated. He stomps off and "resets" and everything is fine for a while.

I see the same obsessive pattern when he works---he will get sticky thoughts about his machines until he solves the problems. he gets upset about life, stays up all night, and I wake up to find a new invention we can sell waiting for me in the living room when I get up the next morning.

If we fight, and I say I want to get out and drive around for a few hours, he begs to go with me. We have a very special bond, and he does not want me to leave him.

Yet he complains he doesn't have any friends, when he has many friends (at the best level he manages)---he claims his family doesn't call him, after he chats with his mother for an hour (about his interests). He gets these sticky thoughts even when he has evidence, in front of him, completely contrary. He doesn't stop to think maybe HE should pick up the phone. he does not have the social thing down at all, but he pines and complains he doesn't have any friends, when he doesn't make the effort to pick up the phone. I tell him to go visit his friends, and he doesn't want to leave my side.


He has meltdowns over worrying about no sales, right after we've had a record sales month. He pines that we don't have enough work for him to do, when he is working 16 hours a day with so many orders we don't know what to do.

If there is ONE day there is no work---he is all caught up---just ONE day---he gets delusions of poverty and the business collapsing, when he's worked for 20 days straight filling orders. SEE WHAT I MEAN?

As a lay-person with no medical qualifications, what you're saying sounds like it might be an anxiety disorder. The reason I say that is because I have a very bad anxiety disorder myself. However, even if it was anxiety, and there is medication for it, since he refuses to acknowledge it or believe he's doing anything unusual I guess he'll refuse any diagnosis or treatment no matter what it is or how simple it might be to treat. Personally I'd be slipping him a Xanax or a little pot, but since that is illegal and he sounds like the type of person who'd refuse it, please don't take that as a recommendation.

You know, his cousin said this---exactly what you said. She said he always had severe anxiety, even as a child. She said he definitely needed medication.

No---the man barely drinks---and never takes meds. And is totally anti-pot. His ex-wife was a multi-decade bad xanax junkie, so he has severe worries about this.

I suppose I just need to love him and work on behavioral modifications. Stop discussing a heated topic, so the meltdown won't be so bad, and he can reset sooner. And say NO---over and over.

Yes, many of these meds are extremely damaging long term---and many are so new we really don't fully know long term effects at all. Not to say all meds are useless at all, but big pharma is all about making the bucks, and is often less than forthcoming about side effects.