Cut off contact with judgmental NT friend.

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nilescrane
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17 Nov 2010, 10:23 pm

A couple months ago, an NT friend invited me to a barbeque for his birthday. I didn't really want to go, but I figured he'd just bother me for not being there, and I also thought I was being a good friend by going. The next day, he said I was acting awkward, that I was dressed like I was going to a club (I was wearing jeans, a white button up shirt I'd slept in, and sunglasses)...said that my sunglasses looked like Ray Charles sunglasses and that the clothes I was wearing didn't suit my personality.

Even before this, he'd always comment on my social awkwardness...in a judgmental way. It's almost like he thought he was superior to me because he's a type A personality and owns a house (that he got off a foreclosure in a bad neighborhood.) I told him that the only reason I went was out of respect for him and that I didn't really want to go and that there's a lot of things I could say about his lifestyle, but unlike him, I'll take the high road. (He's a dinner-table racist, avid gun owner to the point where one time he was packing in a restaurant when we went out to eat and he joked "You never know when a (expletive n word for black people) is going to mess with you." It's almost like he hopes one day someone will rob his house so he has an excuse to shoot someone "in self-defense.")

Anyway, those comments by him kind of changed how I behave toward people, especially online. And two months later, I don't miss him at all.



Shadi2
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17 Nov 2010, 10:33 pm

I think he was a jerk.

Shadi


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MollyTroubletail
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17 Nov 2010, 10:34 pm

He sounds like a real treat. I mean he's perfect in every way. With friends like him, who needs enemies?



Xeno
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17 Nov 2010, 10:38 pm

Sounds like a total douche. Good riddance, right?



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17 Nov 2010, 11:49 pm

sounds like a real charmer (sarcastic tone), better of without him


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18 Nov 2010, 12:40 am

nilescrane wrote:
that the clothes I was wearing didn't suit my personality.


I've heard that one before and I get very annoyed by it. The clothing advice I got would've ran exactly counter to my personality.

I convey my personality with my clothes. My facial expressions and my body language don't match how I feel inside or the things I like or am interested in. I wish they did and I'm working on that, but I'm definitely not going to change how I dress to match something that doesn't reflect my personality.

When I actually sit down and talk about how I really think and feel about things people tend to be very, very surprised and expected me to have been a completely different person.

It gets frustrating. :x



nilescrane
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18 Nov 2010, 1:19 am

I think he was mainly referring to the sunglasses in combination with the outfit...but I have never got a funny look from anyone when I wear them. He's the only one with the problem. Not to mention they are prescription sunglasses and it was a hot, sunny summer day...so between those or regular glasses, I'm obviously going to pick the shades.

I'm more picky about who I make friends with. I don't have a regular "crew" I hang out with anyway, but even just talking, hanging out once in a blue moon, I'm more picky about who I bring into my life. .



jojobean
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18 Nov 2010, 6:04 am

I had a friend in college that anytime I said that I wanted to do something, she told me why I was so impaired that I could not do it. She then took me to her church group and expected to convert me. She once told me, You can fool (the resourse lady) but you cant fool me, you are a total mess. At this point I stopped hanging out with her. Crazy thing was, she was not an NT, she was AS as well, but was constantly comparing her level of functioning with mine.

You kind of have to look at potential friends with the same scrutiny as potential lovers, its basicly the same process just without a sexual attraction.


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Keeno
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18 Nov 2010, 6:23 am

jojobean wrote:
Crazy thing was, she was not an NT, she was AS as well, but was constantly comparing her level of functioning with mine.



This goes to show it's not only NT's who try to make comparisons that they then try to judge by, and it sounds exactly like one Aspie I know. But that's just one Aspie, no other Aspie I know does it.



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28 Nov 2010, 6:27 pm

jojobean wrote:
I had a friend in college that anytime I said that I wanted to do something, she told me why I was so impaired that I could not do it. She then took me to her church group and expected to convert me. She once told me, You can fool (the resourse lady) but you cant fool me, you are a total mess. At this point I stopped hanging out with her. Crazy thing was, she was not an NT, she was AS as well, but was constantly comparing her level of functioning with mine.

You kind of have to look at potential friends with the same scrutiny as potential lovers, its basicly the same process just without a sexual attraction.


Sounds like a judgemental fundamentalist Christian who thinks you're a "mess" because you aren't following her religious ways rather than because she thought your AS was worse than hers. In which case she's the mess.



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29 Nov 2010, 6:47 am

It's amazing how some folks will find fault with stuff that isn't threatening them in the least. I mean, what is the point? Does anybody ever respond positively to such stuff?

I also thought that it was the rule in the NT world never to criticise anybody's personal appearance to their face.....isn't that why NT men always tell their wives that they're looking great even though they don't really think anything of the kind?



lyricalillusions
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29 Nov 2010, 7:47 am

It sounds to me that you were right to stop communication with him. He seems like a terrible person.


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rocknrollslc
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29 Nov 2010, 8:14 am

nilescrane wrote:
A couple months ago, an NT friend invited me to a barbeque for his birthday. I didn't really want to go, but I figured he'd just bother me for not being there, and I also thought I was being a good friend by going. The next day, he said I was acting awkward, that I was dressed like I was going to a club (I was wearing jeans, a white button up shirt I'd slept in, and sunglasses)...said that my sunglasses looked like Ray Charles sunglasses and that the clothes I was wearing didn't suit my personality.

Even before this, he'd always comment on my social awkwardness...in a judgmental way. It's almost like he thought he was superior to me because he's a type A personality and owns a house (that he got off a foreclosure in a bad neighborhood.) I told him that the only reason I went was out of respect for him and that I didn't really want to go and that there's a lot of things I could say about his lifestyle, but unlike him, I'll take the high road. (He's a dinner-table racist, avid gun owner to the point where one time he was packing in a restaurant when we went out to eat and he joked "You never know when a (expletive n word for black people) is going to mess with you." It's almost like he hopes one day someone will rob his house so he has an excuse to shoot someone "in self-defense.")

Anyway, those comments by him kind of changed how I behave toward people, especially online. And two months later, I don't miss him at all.


yikes man. i knew a guy kinda like that...always thought it was his right to keep me in line or something. out the door he went when he told me one day he was "correcting me"



nilescrane
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29 Nov 2010, 10:15 am

I don't mind being corrected. That's not what he was doing. My NT ex corrected me all the time, but it wasn't in a judgmental way with superiority or insults...it was constructive criticism. She'd point out exactly what I was doing and explain why other people might interpret it the wrong way.

This guy always seemed to think he was better than me in general.



Locustman
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29 Nov 2010, 12:43 pm

Xeno wrote:
Sounds like a total douche. Good riddance, right?


I think that's all that needs to be said. I learned not to make friends with idiots like that long ago after a couple of bad experiences.


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CockneyRebel
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29 Nov 2010, 12:50 pm

Good for you. I did the same thing back in May. :)


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