I'm getting worse.

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I know that stress can make your autistic symptoms worse, but at times I feel like I've just recovered from sensory overstimulation or a severe shutdown.

My balance is really poor and my movements are labored.
During this time I can't think clearly or even construct sentences with as much ease as I usually do. The word 'brain fog' comes to mind.
I'm very literal and can't detect sarcasm. I had improved on this.
I'm more withdrawn from people. With the help of meds I was doing ok. Meds didn't work for me today at first. The second one did.
It's physically hard to eat.
I flap my hands and have long blank staring moments.
I'm more sensitive and prone to meltdowns.
Extremely sensitive to noises, smells, lights, criticism.
My hearing comprehension is a bad as it was when I was a little kid.
I've gone from having the emotions of a 12 year old to a six year old.
My limbs feel weak.
I have moments where I don't think or if I try to think it's like trying to fight my way out of a dense forest to get to complete a thought.
My hygiene and overall maintenance has taken a backseat.
I even struggled to wash my hair and shave my legs.
All the to-do lists in the world can't get me away from my computer.
I barely prepare my own meals anymore.

All this happened prior to my severe shutdown/one-side paralysis and even before I went to that gig in another town.
I think I was just getting so much anxiety about people criticizing me and giving me weird looks that I just regressed.

My mum also didn't book a doctor's appointment for me and I'm not really capable of it at the moment.

I know this is all from stress but I wonder how long I'll actually be like this. I feel like I've gone back ten years.
The hardest part is that people that know me might not believe that I could lose all these skills.

hi pensieve

I was thinking, maybe if you show what you just wrote to your mom she would book an appointment? or did you already tell her how you feel?

For sure stress can make things worse

I haven't told her. I don't know how to. I suppose I could give her the list. I just don't know how she'll take it. She keeps giving me those looks like she used to when she didn't know much about autism. Those 'you're making it out to be much worse than it actually is' looks.
Next she'll be saying 'what are you going to do with the rest of your life?'
It feels like it's my fault for not having control over my behavior.

I should have put this in the Haven. I didn't think it would turn into a Haven post like it has.

You are very good at expressing yourself, so can you send her an email with a Subject heading of "RollerCoaster" or something like that?

The things that you so well describe, are very familiar to most here. At some point they all pile up and become difficult to carry around and eventually seemingly impossible to crawl out from under.

Thing is, being alone is the coolest, but sometimes that habit makes it even harder to ask for help whatsoever. The longer I wait, the worse it gets, then I'll have to bend a little to get the ball rolling and eventually I'm on a roll again.

One thing is for certain, you don't have to be alone around here - but it's ok and perfectly acceptable.

sounds like you are regressing to an earlier age, but some of your symptoms expecially physical symptoms are sounding like you may have had a partial complex seizure.

I have done what you are talking about and I also have seizures too.
You need to take it easy, getting excited about regressing only makes regressing worse.
If you cant tell her, print off what you wrote here and any responces that may help and show it to your mom. I am sorry you are going through this, it is really scary when this happens but you did not lose this ground permanantly, your prior level of functioning will return. But you may need to take a week off of school and spend some quiet time calming yourself down. All this panic and the crazyness of school will only make things worse.

I used to be so afraid that I would have an episode like this and be zapped back to infanthood or something, well that never happened.

Anyway, pm me if you need to.

Make sure you show what you written to your mom, you have expressed very clearly what sounds like a regression or a decompensation or possibly the after affects of a partial complex seizure.

Even with a seizure, the effects are not permanant...sometimes after one, a peroid of regression occurs but you will quickly gain ground after a few weeks if you are not too stressed which is why you need some calm down time.

You need to go to the doctor.

Hi Pensieve,

A lot of what you wrote here describes me during my senior year of college. I became more withdrawn than usual, had difficulty doing work, waking up for classes, etc...I ended up dropping one class and quitting my job. I skipped meals frequently, sometimes going for almost 2 days without food. I did the whole "sit and stare" thing a lot, cried a lot, came close to a public meltdown on at least one occasion, neglected hygiene, and started to feel like I was 5 years old again.

When I graduated and came home, things didn't get much better, so I let my mom make an appointment for me with a medical doctor who then recommended a therapist. I have only been seeing the therapist for a couple of weeks, but I feel like I will be able to improve.

If you are not seeing some type of therapist or counselor at the moment, I would highly recommend it. I had an unhelpful experience with therapy when I was a kid, and so I was reluctant to try it again, but it is really is different this time, mostly because I am more aware of my problems (I only began to suspect AS about a year ago). You seem to be well aware of the ways in which your behavior has been regressing, and you seem to want to change it, and so I think that you would benefit from talking to someone.

It also sounds like you should have a medical check-up to see if you had a seizure. What part of setting up a doctor's appointment are you uncomfortable with at this point in time? Is it making the phone call, or actually going in to see the doctor? Whichever it is, I completely understand, because I still struggle with both.

If you cannot make the phone call, I would recommend sending your original post to your mother or a trusted friend, and asking for help with scheduling an appointment.

If you are comfortable on the phone, maybe you could call your doctor's office and ask to speak to a nurse or someone over the phone. You could maybe ask him/her to recommend a counselor or support group in the area, or you could also ask questions about some of your physical symptoms and then maybe you wouldn't have to go in for an appointment. I know whenever I have questions about one of the prescriptions I am taking or lab results or something, it can be taken care of over the phone.

I totally understand the phenomenon of feeling younger right now in your 20s than you did when you were in school. I also worry about explaining my recent behavior to my family, maybe even telling them about AS, etc...because they always thought I would be the "successful" one, but now i can't drive, use the telephone, etc...

I am here for you if you need to talk

I hope you find some rest soon.

I also think you should see your physician.
I would not increase meds by myself if I wasn't told to do so.