Superficialness of NT socialization=mind numbingly painful

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I have recently began to intergrate myself into the modern Neurotypical world. My social skills are good enough that I can pass for a NT if I don't talk too much(people assume I am the quit profesional type)




From watching some of these Nuerotypicals, I can't believe how ret*d socialization is. A group of middle class Nuerotypicals invited me to some bar. All they talked about was sports, stories about how they achieved a goal or made a fool or themselves, and sucked up to each other.


It all seemed really superficial and structured. I can't see how anyone can like this crap for hours on end?! ! None of them talked about their families, deep issues in life, or tragidy stories. Once again, these were MIDDLE CLASS white collar workers. One guy was a computer programmer

I feel the same. I am only recently socializing with people properly for the first time, and I always had this idea that when I could talk to people that it would be great and I could be included in all this interesting stuff. It turns out all the majority of people seem to do it gossip and talk about TV shows and celebrities, and I really could not care less.
(Obviously I know not all people are like this but it seems to be most, especially at my college.)

Well, quite honestly, the computer programmer had some cool stuff to explain about computers for like 5 minutes. That was about it though. A regular person(or one who wants friends) does not talk about computers for 3 hours.

I try to communicate properly with the women at my clubhouse. I hope to talk about a variety of things. All they want to talk about are diets, celerities, makeup and TV shows like Dancing With The Stars, and American Idol. I have nothing in common with those women.

I also have a hard time talking to the women at the soup kitchen, where I volunteer. One woman was talking about an embarrassing thing that happened to her. She couldn't find her car keys, so she had to stay home. I let her have it. I asked her, "Do you want to know embarrassing? Try having bowel problems and having to wear adult pull-ups." That shut her up, until she told two more people about her "embarrassing" car key story. There is nothing embarrassing about losing your car keys and having your husband catch you looking for them, unless you're NT.

Same here. After some introspection, and getting over "feeling sorry for myself for feeling like an outsider" I realised that it can rarely be otherwise when I am with a group of NTs because for the most part the conversations, as you mentioned sports for hours, or gossip about celebrities, Tupperware parties (lol), etc, simply bore me totally, or even worse sometimes the conversation will clash with the honest side of me, or the side that doesn't like racism, etc. and I will feel an urge to tell them just how bad what they just said was. So yeah if the group is focused on this kind of conversation I will invariably feel like an outsider because I am.

After a few years of being in the neurotypical world, I realize that sometimes neurotypicals socialize just for the sake of socialization. Unfortunately, they often interpret a preference not to participate as a sign of arrogance.

I agree with your sentiments about neurotypical conversation- I have a hard time relating and being in a that situation for hours and hours. To me, neurotypical-neurotypical socialization is often a mutualistic relationship; both parties benefit from interactions with each other. On the other hand, neurotypical-aspie socialization is often a parasitic or, at best commensal, relationship. Either one party benefits at the expense of the other, or in the commensal case, one party benefits with no benefit to the other. Either the aspie bites the bullet and listens to NT nonsense, or the aspie does his own thing while the NT gets offended by his actions. This is a source of much frustration in my life.

I find that talking to neurotypicals very frustrating too. Don't they talk a load of shite. usually about other NTs who they are seeing etc, the crap that they watched on the telly, celebrities. If there is something I can talk about to an NT, then football I can talk about. However it not what a neurotypical talks about that they finds interesting but the monkey-like communication between words that is important to a neurotypical This is body language. Completely unintelligible to an AS person.

I feel like I never know what's going on in NT conversations. It's always either boring or doesn't make sense or it's to do with a bunch of things that I have no knowledge about. Then sometimes there are people who just ask loads of questions and you can talk and talk quite happily but then it feels awkward because you want to show how much you appreciate that and don't know how... and then sometimes it's just nerve-racking especially if they're only doing it because they can't bear silence or something along those lines.

I often find that I end up talking down to people by accident because I'm trying to avoid using "big words" to express myself. I end up feeling like I'm talking to them like they're inferior, even though that's not what I want to do. And if I do let myself go and talk in whatever way I want, whether it's with complicated grammar or just long-windedness, they laugh at me or I have to go back and explain what I just said, and that's frustrating.

I just don't get how they can be interested in so many random bits of random things, or even how they keep track of them all and don't explode with the amount of topics that they have to cover... And I hate hanging around shops when I don't want to shop or going to the pub where it's just noise and lights and booze, yet these seem to be favourite venues for this conversation stuff...

I think a lot of the social fluff is the NT equivalent of stimming. It's primary purpose is not to communicate anything specific, but rather exists as a form of soothing repetition.

Seems to make sense! They do depend so very heavily on the stuff

I think that's right on.

That's why most prefer to have a drink in hand. That's why it's called a "social lubricant". It's not about "what" they are talking about.. it's about the fact they are relaxed and enjoying the atmosphere of the party. That's why, when someone feels a little bit "uncomfortable" with a person, they get squirmy and want to move on. They want to "work the room." That's why there are such a thing as "ice breakers" - it's fluff that gets the dance started. A good night out at a party means having had a chance to get the scoop on the goings on of all their friends, but just the highlights, please. No details unless it's really juicy. Done catching up but still want to enjoy the company of the person you're standing near? Talk fluff. They don't really care what they're talking about. They talk about celebrities and stuff because it's something you can count on most people knowing. That way, they can have the fun of discussing it - even if it's garbage. Maybe they don't have anything else in common at all, but they can go on and on about that stuff all day. I think this kind of thing gives aspies a big headache.

How about when a group of 5 are standing in a circle chatting about nothing, and it seems to flow so easily. That seems so hard - but for NTs, even a caveman can do it They copy the styles of each other instantaneously. Want a good way to leave a conversation - they will copy what they've seen someone else do before that worked well without a second thought. Body language, eye contact, how one stands... all communicate something.



They have a way to judge the feel of the room, and how they need to talk. Great talkers adjust their style of the situation. I think THEY don't really talk whatever way that want.... they just don't realize it. And they like to boot out others that aren't doing it 'right'. Or they will notice the odd one out not able to go with the flow. Then - they will either be kind and understand some folks have a hard time with it, or they will put that person in their place by teasing them or any of the many other maneouvers aspies are familiar with.

I think it's harder for aspies because of either conciously analyzing the situation too much, or because of just "being yourself" and not being aware of / caring about / able to adjust to the style of the group.

Yes to all the posts in this thread. It really makes me think AS are ahead of NTs in evolutionary terms. Chit-chat, small talk, going to dark clubs and drinking/dancing for hours, it's all a complete waste of time. I spent all that time engaged in special interests and can honestly say I haven't missed a thing, and can at least account for that time in some way with extra knowledge and interests.

They are trying way too hard to fit in to a ridiculously stupid society...and then they wonder why they are depressed and hate themselves and their jobs.

I certainly do miss out on NT-style socialization which I can pull off decently well. I try my absolute damned best to keep the aspie me in check but eventually I'll stim and it comes out and then my chances to socialize are killed off.

It's a BAR. No one is going to talk about tragedy or deep issues when you're supposed to be having fun, chatting, telling jokes, bonding, getting laid, etc. Would you tell jokes at a funeral?

And all you people who think AS makes us so much superior are corny as s**t. Just because you're too socially awkward to understand the purpose of a bar or can't grasp that people don't always wanna talk about deep s**t, it doesn't make you superior. Ooohhh I'm so unique! More like you're anal-retentive.

Should video games be deep when they're supposed to be fun? Same with bars. Sounds like nerd raging to me.

thank you!! !