Best friend - Aperger's?

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Hi!

I am 18 years old and my friend of about the same age, who has been my best friend for seven years, was recently diagnosed with Asperger's.

However, I suspect that she's been misdiagnosed. Ever since I learned about the existence of autism and Asperger's some years ago, I've been very interested in this topic and I've read a lot about it. [For those who want to know why: I could identify immediately with many of the characteristics described. For some time, I was even sure that I had Asperger's myself. Now, though, I think it's very unlikely that I would qualify for the diagnosis - I might be something like NT with some Aspie traits.] Of course, I'm not an expert. But I have the strong impression that my friend is unlikely to have Asperger's. Her problems rather seem to stem from more ordinary social anxiety.

I don't expect a validation or invalidation of my friend's diagnosis - I don't want to give too much information about her and I know that something like that isn't possible from afar anyway.
What I'm asking for is some advice on how I should behave.
* Do you think a wrong Asperger's diagnosis can do harm?
* Should I talk to her about my doubts? So far, I've only mentioned it once, and I think she didn't take it serious. I haven't talked about it again because I might just confuse her with my laygirl's opinion.
* In general, how likely is a wrong Asperger's diagnosis? (As far as I know, the professionals who diagnosed my friend did not have much knowledge on autism.) How likely is it that Asperger's should go undiscovered for such a long time?

Thank you in advance!

Theresa

PS: If there are grammatical mistakes in my writing or the wording is strange, it's probably because English is not my native language.

It can go undiagnosed forever. The impression I’ve gotten from reading this website is that adults remain undiagnosed but when they are diagnosed the diagnosis tends to be correct. Adults also have to self-diagnose and push the process themselves. The diagnostic focus is on children and the impression I’ve gotten is there have been a couple of wrong diagnosis. About 18 is on the border line so what I just wrote might not so useful to you. I think you should say that misdiagnosis can happen and she should research about it to make sure she feels it is correct, just in case.

As far as i know the symptoms of social anxiety are pretty much the same as those of Asperger's, at least were interaction with other humans is concerned. Thus I don't think an incorrect diagnosis can do actual harm here. Whatever can help a person with AS to interact with other people more easily and give them more self-confidence should work on someone with social anxiety as well. I don't think anything could be "damaged" this way.

Many people on the spectrum, especially those in which the ASD-traits are not very pronounced to begin with, can learn to some extent to adapt to what others expect of them in an interaction and thus become less obvious in their ASD. With about 18, your friend is likely to have picked up quite a number of social scripts already and maybe this helps to mask her Asperger's to such a degree that now you doubt that it is actually there, 7Theresa, but there is more to Asperger's than just social interactions.
Many of us experience emotions differently from NTs, for instance. It could be that your friend looks more or less "normal" on the outside but finds herself dealing with huge ASD-related issues on the inside. And many people on the spectrum are not good at expressing that kind of thing to others, so she might find herself more or less unable to voice her opinion on her own mental state towards you.

(If your native language happens to be German and you think it would help you to use your native language to get the finer points sorted out, you can send me a PM, 7Theresa. )

My counselor describes it as being like as a social learning disability (a way he makes it make sense to me, probably. And I know it's more complicated).

Now this might be inaccurate but how it make sense to me right now is comparing it to dyslexia (my counselor never said it this way). You wouldn't give a dyslexic person a large complicated book and say get over your fears of reading and then you'll be able to read well and understand. So, I'd think you wouldn't say to someone who is on the spectrum, yet also with social anxiety, to simply get over their social fears and then the communication/social problems would all be solved. If that makes any sense?

I go to the SAD forums quite often. I find the posts quite irritating. The major difference I found is people with SAD seems obsessed about social stuff. They want to be social and seek friendship, are envious/jealous of people who are social butterflies. Asperger's people don't like stuff like that. I seek friendhip to share my interests. Otherwise, I'm not particularly interested in people and it's very difficult for me to fake it or talk about anything but my interests. I'm always testing people to see if they have similar interests and once they do, I can't stop talking. It's like an addiction.

I was not trying to advice anyone towards a sink-or-swim approach with social skills. But I reckon that many people on the spectrum do not interact as much as they could or would like to because they are insecure as to how to do it and they have made some bad experiences in the past where they got some aspects of interaction wrong. So I implicitely assumed that the best way to help someone on the spectrum with their social interactions would be to explain how things are supposed to work, to give them a chance to make some experiences in a role play or some other kind of controlled environment and to help them with applying the new-found knowledge in the real world.
I think that this way the unease that many on the spectrum feel in social situations can be eased and a more relaxed attitude towards interaction can be assumed. To help somebody realize that humans are generally not evil by nature and can be safely interacted with if the unwritten social rules are followed and to help somebody improve their self-confidence by providing some positive learning experiences in the process should also be of help for someone with social anxiety. People with social anxiety are not stupid, after all, they just don't now to handle certain issues by themselves. A little help would certainly not go amiss here.

Admittedly though, I have never received any training in these matters and I only have my own experiences of teaching myself social scripts via books to go by.

Oh, I'm surprised that I've gotten so many responses already! I get the impression that most of you seem to think there's no reason to worry - that's relieving. I'll need some time to consider all your points, though.

to Jediscraps:

Yes, that makes sense to me! If I understand what you mean in the right way, it would be harmful for a person with Asperger's (or Asperger's and social anxiety) to be treated for social anxiety only, so my friend should be treated for Asperger's just in case she really has it. Am I right?

to Kon:

Actually, that doesn't sound much like my friend. (It sounds more like me when I was younger .) For example, the two of us don't have very similar interests. But maybe this is a trait that can vary in people with Asperger's?

Thanks for everyone's help! And if anyone else can give advice - you are highly encouraged!

Theresa

I think you should find out what (if any) are your friends special interests. If she has some then its likely she is aspie. But remember to distinguish them from hobbies.

While I agree that special interests are a good indicator of AS, some of us don't have any. I read somewhere that as many as 15% of adults with Asperger's do not display any obvious special interests. That translates as one out of seven.
So spotting a special interest is a strong hint towards AS, but not spotting a special interest does not neccessarily mean that someone does not have AS.

girls with asperger's don't have the same symptoms as boys and I've also had people question my diagnosis. I can't say for sure if your friend's an aspie (you would have to tell me more about her), but chances are, if she was tested by competent professionals, that she is.

@ Robdemanc I'm an aspie and I don't (currently, anyway) have a special interest.
@Kon I have in interest at making friends, but I'm totally at loss on how do do so. In the future, please don't judge all aspies by traits that you have. Thanks
@ fluffydog (both posts) YES! great points!!

No they aren't, except maybe social avoidance.
Social anxiety gives you a fear of socialising.
An ASD gives you an impairment in socialising- like someone above said, it's like a learning disability in the social domain.
Social anxiety can co-occur with AS, but the social symptoms are not the same thing.

Girls not having the same symptoms as boys is BS so stop spreading that myth. Any gender can have atypical autism.

I remained undiagnosed until I was 18, and even then it was by "mistake", I was being checked due to family history of another illness. Just because someone isn't DXed early doens't mean it's unreliable. It is harder to find some than others. In my case, I have few outward signs as I was brought up well and am actually very athletic. The interviewer had to spend 2 hours asking very deep questions, as I could answer emotional level questions effectively on the surface. Similarly, I have heard that females show less external signs because of societal expectations. Females are expected to be more social so someone with AS would be forced to adapt, probably unconsciously.

I think it is at least possible that the diagnosis is incorrect simply because the diagnoses are behavioral not chemical as of yet.

A diagnosis can be harmful or helpful. It depends how you treat it and how you take it. It can be very traumatic or disturbing to be told that who you thought you were as a person was wrong, and that moreover you share very little with your peers on the deeper levels. Others find that it is a place to fit it so to speak, and embrace it, even enjoy it. I am personally not a fan of publicizing it to people who would not put the proper thought into what you are telling them, though.

Anyway that is just my experience, I hope it helps.

My mistake. By now I reckon I should have written "outward symptoms" instead of just "symptoms". The main point being that someone trying to diagnose ASD or social anxiety can only go by what they see of the person and are told about them, but that they cannot really know what goes on inside of that person.

I hope nobody thought I had lost interest in my own thread because I didn't post for such a long time. (In fact, the reasons were mostly lack of time, lack of internet access and being too excited to answer.) In fact, all the various topics you mentioned made me think about Asperger's, my relation to my friend and about my own life even more. Now I just need to come to terms with all this new information. I think I will stay checking on this thread now and then to see if there are any new contributions.

Thank you for your help again!

Theresa