Paying Attention and Relationships

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Lots of things to discuss.

I'm a graduate student in philosophy. I have to write very analytic papers that are very focused. I've always had trouble with this because I see way too many connections at once.

No matter what aspect of my life it is, I always see the whole picture and not the tiny details and so I end up actually missing a lot,.

I will try to edit my papers to grammar and spelling, and even try to make sure I'm keeping to my thesis, but I always meander. I see a new connection I think will work and it doesn't.

It's affecting my grades, I've dealt with it since college.

With my work, I sell shoes. Or I would be selling shoes if I got the stock room right. We have a meticulous way of sorting boxes - left to right bottom to top. I get this. But when something is way to high or I can't immediately find something I kind of give up.

I tried sorting those things you slip into your shoes to relieve pressure. There were over 50 tho sort, there are sizes and than styles to consider. It took me way too long to do and I made mistakes. I didn't pay atent to the fact some were 20 series and other 00 series ... or I tried to but obviously not enough because some go put in the wrong place.

I get paid minimum wage. I'm not particularly thrilled about the job but it's a job. I'm been in jobs that are monotonous and I lose the will to care.

I'm behind on rent, landlords are pissed. Trying to survive in a big city and go to school to make something of myself. My attention problem is obviously not due entirely to not caring - I care about school deeply so there is more to it. I know aspies say (or many) that they can only focus on one thing. Well I have a hard time with it.

Also - people who say aspies cannot have emotion - BS.

My well being has suffered for ages because of my shame of not being able to get things right.

On another topics, before I ended college I cut ties with family. I realized that I cannot talk for the sake of talking. Or I can but it takes out too much emotionally. I don't' find my family interesting and they don't help me in any way.

But I feel as if I'm selling my soul any time a co-worker or classmate asks "How are you?" or "What do you do outside of work? What do you study?"

I feel no emotional attachment at all to these people, and they THINK I give a s**t about them. Or if I just say, "good" and immediately walk the other way and focus on what I really care about, they think I'm a b***h.

I hate making people think I feel something about them I don't. Especially men because I don't want a guy thinking I'm romantically interested in him when I'm not. But even being a nice person gives off the wrong vibes.

I have no friends I hang out with.. I'm a wreck. I've been to countless therapy sessions this semester and it has helped so much but, as always, there is so far for me to go still.

i think I see a couple things, first you are like me and tend to lose focus because deep down your a perfectionist and perfection is impossible I have a mantra that helps
"the road to failure is perfection, the road to success is good enough" you do have to be honest enough to understand good enough without using it as a cop-out for laziness. Prioritize if you don't have enough time to get everything done, do the most important, I use the timer on my phone to keep me from zoning-out on one task for to long when there are others in the rotation to do, each get it's own time-slice. Another thing is you sound a bit depressed, which also makes it more difficult to stay focused, and this time of the year with the short days and dreery weather it's hard not to be.