Please help-- how to handle boyfriend with aspergers....

Post Reply New Topic

Hello... this is my first time here so i hope this is right forum section. Im on my phone so there might be few autocorrect errors here and there.

So basically, im in love with someone with aspergers. We have been dating for a year and only recently ive discovered what aspergers syndrome truly meant. It explained his random tantrums with other people. Whenever it looks like someone is doing something wrong in his eyes, he is blunt and rude without knowing it to them. Like one time he didnt like someones newspaper so he went all the way down to see them to basically insult them and cuss them out for it. I dont know why he does things like this, i suppose he doesnt know how rude he could be sometimes.... i do my best to be there for him when it happens, but i cant always be around to apologize to people for his behavior yknow? Im afraid because one time i wasnt there in a situation that involved cops and then they took him to psychward for his behavior... basically what happened was he stood on a pole and cops thought he was going to jump. They questioned him and he refused to answer. Then it escalated from there. Im so afraid something will happen again... i just dont know how to approach him with that issue because he believes that aspergers is not real.

Well theres that issue and another one came up... he told me yesterday that he doesnt want to get married, which im ok with. But should i take that sayig as a bad sign or is that just his autism again? I realized he was distant so i just straight out asked "are you losing feelings for me?" Then he just stared into place and said nothing. I was patient with a smile and said "its ok, you can tell me." Truthfully right rhat moment i could feel my heart pounding as if it was about to explode, but i kept myself calm because i didnt want to discomfort him as he has aspergers. He told me that he cant really maintain a relationship, talking all the time and such. I told him that tgeres really no need for maintaining and that hes not doing anything wrong, if there needs to be changes in our relationships like talking less, giving him his space etc then thats fine, other than that theres really no problem.. then i asked him "if you need space then just let me know."

He did a subject change and we just hungout. Before this, we havent hung out much because of school but now its winterbreak. Eventually we began to have a nice time, laughing, playing games, listening to his rants about codes and such. I got up to use the bathroom and when i came back he told me "you know what, i dont need space anymore. Ive had enough space already. I love you" and then he pulled me and kissed me everywhere on the face for straight 5 minutes.

The thing is.. did i approach this right and should i be worried? I give him a lot of space since hes always busy with school work. I love him a lot, so much that i stood up against my depression and other flaws that would interfere with his aspergers, which took a lot of hard work to do on my own... i really dont want to lose him, as he has left before thinking he wasnt good for me (i had depression and didnt know about his aspergers and lack of empathy) but then he came back, apologized and said he misses me and only then did i discover and understand his aapergers. I want this to work...could anyone maybe give me a better understanding of this situation and what i should do?

Never, ever dismiss his feelings, thoughts, opinions or decisions as "... just his autism again". His internal world is valid and real to him, even though it may not be entirely or constantly accessible to you, so whenever you dismiss it, you are driving a metaphori wedge between the two of you. While Autism does not define him, it is a constant condition that can not be dismissed with a mere handwave.

He is a man. Men have feelings. He has Autism, which makes expressing those feelings ... different, if not completely difficult to express. You may never know exactly what he is feeling until he tells you, so never assume to know what he feels or thinks until he tells you - don't jump to conclusions.

He is not a neurotypical, so his behavior will not be as bland and predictable as most men you know. He is also not as manipulable as those other men, either - what might have other men falling all over themselves to make you feel good might only elicit a puzzled look from your boyfriend.

Just love him, and expect surprises.

I got an emotional hit when I read "I got up to use the bathroom and when i came back he told me "you know what, i dont need space anymore. Ive had enough space already. I love you" and then he pulled me and kissed me everywhere on the face for straight 5 minutes."


I think you're an awesome person for standing by him, and my idea is that his biggest worry is that he isn't able to give you, what you are giving him. The talk before you went to the bathroom probably "fixed" his thoughts about how you look at him, and that made him realize you're there for him.

Also; if I got asked "are you losing feelings for me", I'd take that as you wanting me to say "Yes" so you can then say "It's fine, me too, so let's break up".
He probably went through hell in his mind, till you explained you are willing to try everything to make it work, then he force switched the conversation topic to give his mind some rest and think it all over. Then at the first "reset" of the situation he found the opportunity/words he wanted to say to you when you asked ""if you need space then just let me know."



In my own personal experience, how clingy and demanding (and maybe a little "meaningless") it may sound, having some kind of routine in terms of saying "good morning, sweetie" and "good night, my love" really helps me to stop getting stuck in negative thoughts. And I see this with my parents as well, my dad is on the spectrum, and my mom and dad give each other a kiss when they come home from work. Sometimes my dad will be sitting behind his computer sulking, till my mother realizes she forgot to give him a kiss, and then everything is al right again. If she totally forgets, it leads to my dad eventually, while holding back his tears, asking somewhere in the evening "What did I do wrong?".

My general advise is

1) that relationships absolutely take maintenance

2) If he says he doesn't want to get married, believe him and if this is something that you want down the track, then consider your own future.

I am married to a man with Asperger's. Communication is not always easy. I was 18 and he was 23 when we met. We dated for 6 years before getting married. Some of what you are describing is very familiar. The anger issue was a problem for us and I found that I could not reason with him at the time. I have learned to talk the next day. I stayed with him because he was the most interesting person I ever met. He was so unique and did not follow any normal standards. He did not care what anyone thought. It is 20 years later and he has mellowed a lot. Now we have kids with similiar problems. He denied being on the spectrum until our daughter was diagnosed. Now he knows he is and is fine with it.

I suggest you hang around if you love him and accept the way he is. He will not change but you can change how you react to him.