I am not sure where to place this post since it can encompass three other categories. That being said, I will place it here since it makes the most sense here.
I feel rather distraught this holiday season for several reasons. First, I have been under a whirlwind of stress and anxiety because my sister, brother-in-law, and two nieces (23 months & 5 years) moved in on July 5th. My brother-in-law changed careers and became a truck driver last month, and he is often gone. The day after Thanksgiving, he left for 13 days, came home 1 day, and then was gone for 6 more. Luckily for Dave that won't happen again since he now has experience under his belt. My sister (love her but she is a drama queen) has been working 2 jobs since August. Luckily, she is quitting World Market this week so she will be around more often. My mom and I have had to do much of the caregiver activities but have no choice because they really cannot afford to pay for childcare.
My dad is physically falling apart. As Chris Farley says in "Tommy Boy", he has a bit of a weight problem. He is 5'10" and weighs close to 375 pounds (I'm 6'2" & 175 - his weight has always been a reason why I try to stay in shape and eat healthy). He has been using his cane because he simply cannot get around anymore. A 1/2 block walk is too much for him and he has to sit right away. He tells me constantly "not to ever get old because it is hell." This angers me because he has never physically taken care of himself. Both my sister, mom and I have tried to warn and help him in the past but to no avail. He simply never cared to exercise, and he will eat 3-5 hefty meals a day. It pains me to say this but I cannot foresee him around in 5 years and he is 59.
Both of my parents are rather negative in nature. They often see the worst in people and criticize them if they don't do things the way my parents think they should. My mom hates dyed or long hair, my dad hates anyone or anything that makes noise, both never really helped me with AS, and we never did anything together. My mom would often want me to sit with her but would watch TV or do something that didn't involve communication. Financially, they always took care of me and that was never an issue. However, my dad once told me that "he doesn't care if I'm happy when I get older, he just cares that I can pay the bills."
I can't make friends and my family is splintered. The Wisconsin side (mom's side) is cliquey and virtually non-existent. My three cousins (my cousins are 10-20 years older than I) ignored my mom, dad, sister and me throughout my childhood and to this day. My Louisiana side (dad's side) is close but we never see them since they live 1,000 miles away. My brother-in-law is currently being sued by his mother (I don't want to get into that) so it has destroyed the relationship between mother and son, mother-and-law and daughter-in-law, etc. I try to stay out of the mess as best I can.
Meanwhile, I was on the precipice of receiving a teaching job in South Korea, then Taiwan. The whole political atmosphere in South Korea eliminated my journey there. Then, I was asked if I'd like to teach in Taiwan. I said yes but just last week was told that there are not any teaching jobs available because too many teachers are renewing their contracts. What do I think about China? The recruiting coordinator gave me a list of schools in China on Christmas Eve, and asked if I would be interested in any of them. I replied to her today but am feeling uneasy about this. I am still substituting in my 2 districts and tutoring at the Learning Center (and doing well in both) but.............
I feel that I am becoming an utter recluse. I have three friends but only one I talk to regularly. I had a chance to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra tonight but I turned it down. I love the TSO but did not want to deal with people due to all of the stressers placed upon me. I escape to my room and never want to leave it. I wasn't always this way. With the kids, the job situation, my mom's stress (she broke down in front of me in September/October. I know I received my AS from her & her mom), my stress, my dad's health, lack of family, etc. I feel completely broken inside. I really try to stay positive but I just can't. All I want to do is sleep & read alone. I don't feel confident in going out because I just cannot connect with others but I feel like I have to get out and do something soon or I will start breaking down.
I know all of you have been in the friend situation due to your AS, but have you ever been in a situation like mine? How did you help yourself?
26 Dec 2010, 10:05 pm
