how to tell others

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Hi my name is jan. Im not sure where to start really. my husband was DX with bipolar the ASD a few years back. We have three children who also have ASD. he took his own life in march of this year and before then he asstranged himself from his family because they never understood him. always he felt at odds with them. I have to meet his brother today and he bombarded me last nigth over the phone with how he hurt his parent verbally, how selfish he was, how he killed himself to hurt me. Now I know that isnt true and i now that he loved me. I was the only one that Got him. but on that morning of his suicide we had a disagreement not a major one but one where he spent money over silly things and I questioned him about it. Not that any of this really matters now but I want to tell this brother inlaw or educate him in some way that the things he said and did around his family were because he didnt think like the rest of the NT world and he I dont know I just dont know how to explain to someone about austim even though I have three children. I want the right words to say that it wasnt his fault he couldnt have friends, it wasnt his fault acting and saying things that seemed to hurt,
It was only with me that if he said something that I saw wasnt right I could explain it to him but out on his own he just made a mess of it and trouble followed him.
I suppose Im asking other aspies what it really is like to live with this. trying to fit in all the time. Jan

One thing I think you should mention is that the autistic brain functions differently from the NT brain. It's not a matter of "better" or "worse" as far as I see it, it just is a different way of perceiving the world and of interacting with it.

Many people on the spectrum have problems picking up non-verbal cues that NTs hardly have to think about, like the fact that somebody faking a coughing fit for no obvious reason might be trying to stop them from saying something really embarrassing. Because we have trouble understanding a fair portion of the messages NTs are sending out, we often miss components of interaction that are self-evident to most people and that may make us appear thoughtless or uncaring.

On the other hand, many of us feel like we should stick to the truth and (because many of us don't really get the hang of non-verbal communication) we may send out signals that NTs regard as confusing or inappropiate. This in turn makes them become annoyed with us and the more a conversation is charged with underlying aggression, the more confusing it becomes for many of us because we can (in many cases) tell that something is off, but not what exactly it is.

Thus, many conversations between people on the spectrum and NTs become frustrating on some level or another, due to subtle misunderstandings and lack of patience. (And please note that I am not blaming the NTs for this. Both parties have their part in making everything so complicated, but I don't see either party at fault.)

Many people on the spectrum face a lot of such frustrating situations during their lifes and it's not just conversations fraught with misunderstandings. Some of us face bullying where others try to make us feel bad on purpose. But mainly it is the feeling of being different and not knowing what can be done about it.

Because many of us have to deal with these difficulties in dealing with others on top of various other issues like sensory overload or depressions, we often wish for some support from the people close to us and it is especially hurtful if that support is not only not given, but instead we earn scorn and snide comments from our own family. That hurts and some of us choose to avoid this kind of painful interaction altogether, as seems to have been the case with your husband, jbrules1.

Many NTs also have to make it through difficult times, but many of them have stronger mental defenses than most people on the spectrum and because their social interactions are more like what other NTs expect of them it is easier for them to find help and support. I reckon this is especially true for people on the spectrum who were only diagnosed as adults because there always is a certain danger that NTs will see the diagnosis as a kind of excuse the Aspie/autist makes so he/she needn't make so much of an effort to fit in anymore. But for most of us a diagnosis just means relief because we finally know what is different with us and it opens the doors to professional help or at the very least to information that helps us understand ourselves a bit better.

As you have worked out on your own already, we are not doing any of this on purpose to upset NTs. It's just things that happen to us because we are different, but many of us try to improve in the areas in which they perceive themselves to perform worse than most people around them. If those efforts go unrewarded by NTs it just makes a lot of people feel even worse and may make them retreat even more.

I know I have written a lot of stuff here, but I tried to get the main aspects from my own point of view across. I think you should try to fish out the things you think are relevant to the relationship between your husband and his family and to concentrate on those during your conversation with your brother-in-law. If you try to feed him too much information all at once that might make things more complicated rather than help. It might be better to keep to the bare-bone basics now and add the less important things lateron in another conversation.

I hope this is what you have been hoping for when you were asking your question. I really appreciate your trying to understand our side of things.

That was extremely well written. Thank you.

I don't know. Sometimes I think you just let some people misunderstand for the sake of family peace. I'm so sorry for your loss.