Analysis of aspergers written for a NT perspective

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Normally, I don't mention any of my myspace stuff here, but I'd like some feedback on my latest entry:

(copied here to provide easy reading)

Imagine the most difficult intellectual problems you’ve ever faced, such as higher math (or whatever subject you found to be difficult). Now, imagine being forced to solve ever increasingly difficult problems in that field, without instruction, assistance, or even a textbook for reference. Now imagine being required to solve problems such as this on a daily basis; more problems are continually presented, and you are expected to complete them, or be shunned utterly. Now imagine that most others are able to solve these problems subconsciously; this no doubt leaves you at a great disadvantage, especially looking at the effortless success of those around you.

Also, the only feedback you are given is whether or not you passed a threshold number; success and failure on an individual basis is left unstated, so problems you may have though you solved correctly could have been erroneous, and ones you thought you failed at may have been correct. This confusion exists for one simple reason: those testing you refuse to provide any translatable feedback (with rare exceptions, and even then, only on great successes or miserable failures), assuming you are like “everyone else” and thus intuitively “know”, making such an announcement be both rude and redundant. However, the difficulties do not stop here: even the pass/fail response to the problem set may be encoded, with the decoding process being nearly as difficult, or even more so than the original problem set which you were presented with earlier. Also, the longer you take in this decoding process, your failures become increasingly damaging, while your successes are increasingly minor.

Once the shunning process begins, your opportunities to even obtain any training on these problems are denied, until you are eventually given a second chance. However, even without your active participation, the required problems continued their escalation in difficulty, and as a result, upon your return you are presented with far more difficult ones than the ones you failed before.

Sounds impossible?

Well, that’s how socialization is like for me.

Note that I am speaking in general. I am not referring to any particular subset of socialization; from my experience, this applies anywhere from the nuclear family to friendships to the workplace to relationships (though I could be wrong, since I have had little to no experience in these categories, but my mostly theoretical research suggests this universal applicability).

As I get older, people expect more out of me; past failures make present success more difficult. Frustration over “the game” can lead one to give up on it completely, yet doing so also denies one of very basic human needs. Furthermore, “the game” also extends to the workplace, and thus to careers, making failure and/or non-participation in “the game” even limit one’s financial success.

The more the frustration builds and the less participation one has in “the game”, the fewer opportunities one is given to participate in it in the future (see my previous blog post, 4 types of aspie bug bites, especially category 2 and 3), even if one is deeply interested in returning to it, to reach the rewards that success in “the game” brings.

For example, look at the ritual of “hanging out” among friends. This is a ritual of continual training in “the game”. Feedback is still minimal, yet in its “relaxed” atmosphere, expectations are lowered, and generally there is a lack of escalation. Groups of friends typically engage in this stage of the game on a regular basis; they find it very natural, and commonplace.

Temporal entrance is easy to obtain, especially upon introduction. However, to remain in this stage in “the game” requires a lengthy and complicated initiation process; before this threshold is reached, unstated rejection is common, and scrutiny is heavy. After one advances to this level in the game, they are given consistent experience in the rules of the game, even if some “hanging out” institutions provide more generally applicable experience than others (for example, hanging out with nerds playing Dungeons and Dragons won’t provide the kind of real-world-applicable knowledge that attending a frat house party would, but both are merely different varieties of the same level within “the game”). From here, one may use this experience to attempt even more complex levels of interaction, with ever increasing stakes and rewards. However, this stage is still a fundamental one, yet also a difficult one to attain.

So what course of action should those who have not yet been able to reach this stage take?

I’m still trying to figure that out.

(and some stupid joke was placed after this... but that isn't relivant to this discussion)

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This post was written largely in response to my mounting frustrations at home, with my mom now hating me because I tried to be honest with her regarding some of the frustrations of how she raised me and my brother ignoring/avoiding me, and being completely alone until I return to college this fall.

... I like it. In fact, I think I may use that analogy sometime. Thanks.

Luckily there are some books, articles on the net and even friends solving the same problems in forums like this one. I think we have to take advantage of the fact that we live in the 21st century and information is readily available for us compared to what things were like in times of Einstein.

I like the analogy too.

This is really well explained. Living with an aspie can be more challenging than being friends with an aspie because then you get time out. Imagine getting the wrong feedback all of the time - oh that's you all of the time, but your friends only when they're with you. Er, yes, likeable and refreshing up to a point.

Mums just want to reinvent you for what they think will help you to achieve happiness. About the only thing you can do is acknowledge that they care about you. You'd love to give them what they wanted if only you knew what that was and it was something that you could give. This is not just an aspie thing.

People are happy to accept tokens in lieu of getting social intricacies wrong... you know that special present you hunt down for a friend, spending time with a friend when they know you're fixated on something else that you've sacrificed etc. Build them in as part of your everday life routine to the point of I'm going to make time to do this for someone - you won't know when you're annoying the hell out of people but you can belong to a group from sheer trying. You might not feel part of the group but in order to become part of a group you need to start somewhere.

Er did an aspy say honesty was the best policy...when other people say it they mean except for when telling a white lie which is a great comfort to everybody all around. Yes I'm telling you to lie, smirks, but only when it involves kindness to others and an acceptable lie (if they found out later you fibbed what would be the repercussions for others, if minor then its ok). You do not have a fat bottom is perfectly ok. Lying about it is even considered nice. And yes, worlds most perfect mum comes into that category, its not like she can change a parenting decision she made in the past. She might reciprocate with the white lie that you were a perfect child, happiness all around. Give her positives when she is the parent you want her to be right now and that might be more in aim with what you are trying to achieve.

Scheduling social interaction with your mom might seem odd but : I need you help me shop for * whatever you don't really need but if it doesn't involve a high level of social interaction type of stress you'll probably have some success. A book with some of mum's home recipes is also worth doing - lie like you've never lied before, whatever she contributes you absolutely love without question, its not the recipe its the fact that she is giving. Your mother might be an aspy too. Best wishes.