Do We Love Less, or More?

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taking CockneyRebel's theory thing about getting emotionally attached to people, i've come up with a theory all on my own.

although i am not terribly fond of 99% of the population, the few people that i enjoy talking to, i love more anything in the world, and i believe i feel it stronger than most NTs. i hate to say it, but i feel that i easily fall in love, but differenly than most "normal" people may describe.

so just because i love less people, doesn't mean i love less than the majority of the population. i believe it means i love more, because i understand the meaning of it better, and i'm actually quite appreciative of that.

i may edit this post more and more, adding more things to it, i think that when i brainstorm this more, it will be far more detailed.

please let me know what you think

Interesting topic, Nayashi.

I'm not really sure what love feels like. I have a hard time recognizing and understanding my emotions. I'm not sure if this is because I don't feel them very strongly or if it's because I'm just not good at reflecting on them.

When I do get emotional, I get VERY emotional, however.

As for love, I tend to coerce myself into "loving" people through a logical thought process. I'm not sure if that really counts as "falling in love" with someone. I think it's hard because people always say that when you're in love with someone you want to spend time with that person and you miss them when they are not around. I tend to need a lot of alone time, and I don't think all that much about people when they are absent, so what most people seem to say does not really apply to me. I suppose that a sign of caring about someone, for me, is that I actually do want to spend time with them. I am picky about who I spend my time with.

I have noticed, though, that when someone cares about me, and when I care about that person back, there is a warm and tingly feeling in my chest. Is this love?

This is an interesting topic.

I strongly agree with Civet, and my answer is a lot like hers.
I have difficulties recognizing and managing my emotions and can not define love nor any feeling besides in a logical way. I like people after thinking about it, and deciding that I like them, but the process is logical, not really driven by the emotions I feel, which can sometimes be strong - not only for love, but also other feelings, again.

Besides, do you sometimes feel like you have somehow and somewhat physical empathy, meaning you experience the physical symptoms of a feeling which is someone else's (that you appreciate) ?

I would have to think about it to develop my though, therefore I think I will post again on that topic later.

With the people I do love the feeling is almost overwhelming- I'll feel like I could burst from it sometimes. There are very few people that I do loved (or have loved).

When I first realised that I loved Dunc it was immediately overpowering- I didn't get any of the sense that I was falling in love with him, one day I just knew I loved him completely.

Mel

i agree with all of the above - except for the bit about dunc (no offence, bruv).

i don't do medium - i love someone or i don't: simple. i "like" few people. or i think people are great while i do, and then switch them off, whether between the times i see them, or forever (not wise to get on the wrong side of me, apparently - and i thought i was so sweet and fluffy).

YES!! ! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

Are you saying you don't like dunc or that it was gradual instead of immediate or are you talking about people in general?

of course i like dunc, alex. we are twins, seperated at birth. but we're not married, unlike mel and dunc, so our relationship is totally different. that's what i meant.

and i don't feel like that about people in general, no. but when i do fall, i fall big-time and totally (i.e., i make a prat of myself).

My self and Rebekah (both aspie) both feel (as it seems) focused on each other in many ways, we both enjoy each others touch where as neither of us like others to be touching us, her touch to me is like a welcoming warmth that both excites me and yet calms me, we both can't seem to stop thinking about each other, when ever I look upon her my heart warms and I can't help but smile, the sound of her voice always calms me, and many many other things, when I give my heart over to someone I care about I give my all (err almost, I tend to always it seems have a fear of rejection even when there is no reason to be afraid.), so yes, for me, its mostly an all or nothing deal when it comes to love. </mutant>
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<Chamoisee/Rebekah> I think, from my point of view, that love is almost an all or nothing sort of thing for me, and that when I love someone, I pull out ALL the stops. I love deeply...very deeply. There have been times when a situation has been so bad and so painful that I had to deliberately and methodically kill the love off...because it was either that or die...but I think that there always remains a germ of fondness and basic love...

When I love someone in a personal, intense way...not only would I die for them, I would be VERY upset if if deprived of the oportunity to sacrifice myself for them in order to save their life. I guess you could call me a closet romantic. I cannot see dropping someone for a petty, insignificant reason, nor "getting over it" (even if it is the logical thing to do), or many other things that I have seen NT's do. If I love someone, I love them, feasible or not.

There aren't many people that I love, though. There are many towards whom I feel goodwill and whom I wouldn't screw over, would be loyal towards, but that isn't quite the same thing as love.

It often seems to me that what the NT's call love is not the same thing that I think of as love, OR their love is of a different, more liberal brand, and more shallow....I hate to say it that way, but it is honestly how I feel, from the sorts of things that have happened to me from people who supposedly loved me. :-/ </chamoisee>

***

I have a hard time knowing the difference between loving someone very much, and being in love. Sometimes I love someone so much I nearly adore them, but that doesn't always mean you're in love. Neither does the feeling that this person is the most important in the whole world to me; it seems like a strong indication, but with autism you never know - hyperfocus? Being exclusive about the relationship also isn't a good criterion since my autism kind of requires one-on-one contact; and you wouldn't be exclusive about friendship by definition. Then there's emotional age... well. I'm not sure about that at all. All those questions people ask you to help you determine if you're in love or not aren't very helpful to me at all *sigh*. Wrong planet? Yes, very.

I've more or less stopped telling/showing people how much I love them. I'm afraid they might be bothered by the intensity of my feelings. The last time I told my Bestest Friend (please don't correct my spelling, I mean it that way) that she was still very very important to me (we see each other only once a year or so ), she seemed uncomfortable. I don't know if it's the thought of being very important to someone that's difficult for her for some reason, or if she's afraid that I'm in love with her (so I hope I'm not)...

Sorry if this sounded whiny.

***

Love for me is complicated. I mean there is so much hype about romantic love, and then people use the word so loosely as if the word means something. For me the actions are what counts, save all the I love you's for someone else. I've been 'in love' a couple of times, the falling in love kind where you lose your identify and merge with the other person and feel wonderfully manic sometimes and really low at other times but in a kind of trance that feels out of control but a good buzz too like a rollercoaster ride. Then it ends. And the bad feelings are really bad and people say and do awful things as a result. My version of real love now though is a special friendship, where one person extends him or herself to nurture another. Really. This isn't selfish and it isn't merging and it isn't obsessive - it's generous. And words don't count - the intention of the actions makes it clear. And this kind doesn't end. My parents didn't experience it (as best I can tell) and didn't pass it on either but I can't blame them. It takes a lot of energy and one can only extend that kind of love to a few humans. I think some of Scott Peck's books describe what I'm saying, though I don't swallow him whole. So a very few friendships can develop into love, for me. I try to keep the romantic sexual side separate, what's left anyway at my age...

Yeah I think I tend to get overwhelmed when falling in love, I have a hard time really defining 'being' in love means at times though and have had a confusing time at determining if it isn't some form of temporary overwhelming of senses and emotions or if it's real at times. Of course, I also tend to have emotional regulatory issues too so a lot of my emotions are sometimes extreme and overwhelming.

Rebekah and echospectra, i completely understand exactly where you're coming from. that is exactly how i feel.

all or nothing, and then i'm always afraid to express my feelings out of fear of making the other person uncomforatable. something i do very, very often.

and i also get confused with love and being in love.

haha, i'm so happy i made this post.

Me too- its made me smile despite feeling crappy

I've said this before I think - for me love is a binary state - totally overwhelming and intense, or else absent. The idea of loving someone a bit seems bizarre. It is not an easy thing to express which is probably why there are so many drivelling songs/poems/novels/etc about it. When I realised I loved Mel it was like being sledgehammered, and I can't imagine not loving her.

Dunc

Same for me. The fact is, I tend to think love is disturbing or inconvient. People looks at me as if I was a heretic when I say that! But I don't think the purpose of every human being is to find a partner. Romance love is just a bonus in life.

And then, there are the people I'm fond of. I don't know if it is love. I don't miss them either. I just remember the good times that we've had together, and I'm happy. I'm happy writing about them just now! They are people who "make me go out of myself".



Some people said I was careless and cruel, before I let my feelings out. I don't know, everything was blocked inside of me, I was a bunker. And something happened, when I started to find out what or who I was, and that's when I started to be overwhelmed by strong feelings that didn't come from inside of me. (It felt great, that was like a rebirth.) Since then, I often tell my friends I love them, and I feel a lot "secure".
That's how I feel sometimes too.





Yes, I do. I wonder if having a twin developps this sort of skill.