are these consistent with aspergers symptoms?

Post Reply New Topic

Hi there - im new to this forum and very much on a search for some answers. I recently split up with my ex and theres things that i just cant seem to get out of my head. i always wanted to understand him, but i guess i got caught up in why he never seemed interested in me, my interests at all and some of the things he said to me always made me wonder so im asking for all your expert advice.

Here are some of his traits:

He told me during our relationship
- He finds it difficult to see anyone else's point of view - this one i'll never forget
- suffers low self esteem - always just wanted to make something of himself and be acknowledged and recognised
- has verbal outbursts when he feels attacked. however the first one i ever experienced was from me simply scarping my tooth on my folk whilst eating - he went absolutely crazy.
- suffered from a stammer when growing up
- admits hes forgetful
- fear of meeting new people in big crowds
- lack of understanding of other peoples feelings
- mild obsession with bus and tube maps
- bullied at school for his stammer
- hate of wanting to talk or communicate about things that might matter to the other person
- inability to focus in meetings and you finds himself drifting off playing with things on a table
- anxiety
- counting corners of rooms
- has a superficial relationship with most of his friends that involves mostly drinking, occasional recreational drugs and pubs
- severe procrastination in personal life and work matters
- comes out with very offensive comments to people sometimes and then has complete confusion as to why he said it,
- told me once when people are angry at him he gets one word that goes round and round in his brain (usually a swear word and he just wants shout it.
- at the beginning of our relationship if i made a sacastic joke he would get really offended. I would tell him i was only being sarcastic, but he still didnt get it
- would take advice as criticism and have a verbal outburst at me
- often if i would approach him with something i wasnt happy about - he would have an outburst then tell me to shut up and let him go away and deal with it. Sometimes id let him (hard as he could spend two days not talking to me) but he would always come back with his head hung down and say the reason he gets so angry sometimes is because he knows sometimes im right about certain things...
- hypersensitive to touch anywhere on his body especially legs and feet. im trained in massage - tried to give him one once and it was impossible. if i ever tried to tickle him in bed - hed get really angry.
- awkward physical movements
- he never liked going on holidays when he was little - his mum told me about this. She said he hated going on holidays. He would always get an ear infection that they'd need to see a doctor for abroad. and as soon as the car would turn the corner and he was back on his street he would get overly excited and happy
- was not interested in booking holidays with me - i would have to do it all - he would go and love it when he got there, but admits that he just doesnt care where we go etc...
- tapping his fingers (forefinger and thumb)usually whilst watching tv - he said this was something he learnt when learning to control his stammer.
- poor handwriting
- excessive sweating at night - often bedsheets wet
- he sees behaviours as right or wrong
- he split up with me. When he did - one of the things he said to me was he couldnt bare that i was constantly hurt by some some of his behaviours
- can never sit still - other people would comment on this all the time - as well as the fact that people always would say to me - we dont know how you do it. He never listens.
- shifty behaviour which always led me to believe he was lying. His friends have since told me he was always kind of renowned for his lying.
- watches lots of sports but does'nt play any - he told me he always used to dread his dad making him play football)
- has a history of cheating on all his girlfriends

i think there are probably more, but right now thats all i can think of. His behaviour since the split has been unusual. He cut me off overnight - we live together - called me two weeks later saying he trusts me more than anyone. That im his best friend. That he misses me but cant explain his reasons for leaving me. I was devastated. People told me hes just immature, a narcissist etc. But something about the usual responses are just not sitting with me.
One of my main reasons for this is his family. I think his brother and farther may also have some form?
His brother shouts - instead of talks at a reasonable volume
talks to himself at the dinner table (this has now been noticed by the entire family, his mum once pulled me aside and asked me if i thought it was due to him smoking weed)
Grunts, snorts - bodily tics/twitches
Has very uncoordinated body movements
His dad rarely makes eye contact and if he does its very flitting - speaks about very superficial things - usually just makes jokes that no one gets. Never talks to his sons about anything but football - flat footed - all of them are - very noisy when walking and around the house - clumsy etc

Would really like all of your opinions - just trying to make some sense - and feel kind of sad that im only starting to see all of this now...

I think most of those things are consistent with Aspergers, though the dishonesty (compulsive lying and cheating on partners) don't seem quite right....Aspies tend to be more honest than most people. I'm perfectly capable of lying myself, though it's very rare unless I feel I'm among powerful enemies or just desperate to escape from a tricky social situation without offending anybody. Anybody else know of any Aspies who are regularly dishonest?

That fear of discussing matters that are important to the other person reminds me of a number of stories I've read from NTs when they've tried to get their Aspie partners to take on board the idea that they might have the disorder. Something about the immediacy of it seems to scare them off, and that "just leave me alone and I'll deal with it" response seems to fit the mould very well - an Aspie would probably need to wirhdraw and reflect rather than being expected to perform "live" and make all kinds of mistakes for want of enough time and solidute to think it out calmly.

I'd say most of those traits are fairly consistent with Aspergers' symptoms, except for the history of cheating on his girlfriends, which strikes me as rather atypical for someone with a condition characterised by poor social skills.

Yes - the lying one is the one i cant quite figure out - sometimes i feel it was more fibbing as he seems very scared of people being angry at him. Fibbing to stay out of trouble so to speak. He seemed to have a fear of getting into trouble for things he did which he thought were wrong...

However he did cheat on every girlfriend - sometimes just kissed. When we split he said to me he just wants to feel love...and loved...

one thing he used to comment on a lot and seem a bit in awe of "which i always found a little odd was the amount of friends i have have - he would always seem to be slightly jealous. Even though in my mind i can count all my close friends on one hand so to speak!

Just had a thought - not sure if it counts - when we met - i pursued him. Hes a very good looking cute guy, cheeky and silly and fun and i think this is why so many girls like him....?

You have a lot written up there that is .... maybe, maybe not. What I don't understand is your motivation. What do you hope to do with the information if you get a consensus from us Aspies that your ex-boyfriend MIGHT have AS? You say you are asking for advice but I must have missed what the advice is regarding.

I guess my motivation is trying to make some sense of it all. Usually when ive split up with anyone else - theres usually a process of communication and closure. But with him he cant explain his feelings. I think what also sparked it was i met a 19 year old with AS a few weeks after our split. I couldnt take my eyes of this kid. He moved, reacted and interacted exactly like my ex. Which just flipped a switch in my head i guess. I think also after a break up we tend to look at things, break things down and try and get to a place of acceptance and this is all part of trying to come to that as i would have stayed and worked at our issues, but he broke it off so abruptly....

Let's say he does have AS. Nobody here is qualified to make that diagnosis and even if someone was they could not do it third hand and anonymously, but for the sake of argument let's say he does. What now?

I would understand and somewhere down the line make peace with it

Then it is probably pretty safe to go ahead and assume that he is. It will make you feel better and he does seem to display enough symptoms to make a fair assumption of "highly likely".

I don't think rationalizing a breakup by making your ex-boyfreinds deficiencies clinical is healthy. It might feel easier for you to deal with if you can justify his behavior as a disorder, but you should be able to move on without any kind of diagnosis.

And, I'm new too, and so I may misstep and get flamed for this- but while some of your symptoms reflect Asperger's, I feel the sum total of them are more indicitive of a personality disorder. I don't mean to create any link between narcicissm and autism here, but the lying and cheating make me think that while he is in his own little world, it is because of a consious disregard for anything outside the realm of his immidiate pleasure. I think he is a narcissist. Aspies typically experience more compassion- even if we can't express it. He doesn't seem to demonstrate any. He seems more regretful to be on the loosing side of your meta-communication than he does of having slighted you, his friends and aquaintances reactions to him are telling, and lying to prevent "getting in trouble" seems to suggest he's aware that he's making a mistep and what it's consequences will be. He seems inherently self serving and deceptive. Those aren't symptoms I think need to be associated with Aspeger's. I'm very sorry for your experiences with him, I hope you can move on to a less destructive relationship.

I have read and copied below from your post, only those traits which I personally find to be Autistic or Asperger's-related... The one that stands out as NOT being consistent, is the cheating on other girlfriends. That is almost anti-Aspergers, as one of the strongest points of Aspergers is loyalty and fear of changes or venturing outside the comfort of routine. Although a "deceptive appearance" or a "suspicious demeanor" is indeed a trait of Asperger's, actual lying is not. In fact, I believe that an Asperger's or Autistic person cannot lie successfully, and will be caught right away. That's true for me, anyway. Although some of those items I copied & pasted are Asperger's signs, some are also not necessarily only Asperger's. One which stands out to me, is the part of how he acted disgusted by the sound of eating. That is a major one for me, and I have to leave the room if I can hear anyone gulping, slurping, or chewing. I'd rather hear ANYTHING else, and I'd blow a siren to drown out "eating sounds" if that were possible or appropriate. The inability to focus is easily just ADHD, as is also the procrastination. Blabbing out offensive comments is definitely an Asperger's thing, as we often do so without seeing ahead of time that the comment will be offensive. Hence the confusion when we find that a comment has caused upset. Counting room corners and paying attention to transportation maps is indeed an Asperger's symptom.

I highlighted the part about hypersensitivity to touch. That one is a bad deal in a relationship, especially if it's not understood. Let me say that a tickle or light touch to me, feels worse than a slug in the stomach by an elbow, or a hard fist. It's a terribly painful and uncomfortable feeling to me, as I am told it is for most any Autistic or Asperger's person. In fact, there was a case recently where a hospitalized young woman tore the tendons off her shoulders trying to break restraints to prevent a doctor from touching her legs, or some situation like that. It was later confirmed that she was Autistic. I wear a MedicAlert bracelet to warn medical personnel of the condition, because I'm a bodybuilder and powerlifter, and I fear accidentally hurting or killing someone who might try to help me in an emergency, if I suddenly wake up restrained in a hospital bed, etc. So to sum up, the touching or massaging problem is simply a major misunderstanding.

I would venture to guess that your ex may have a few different issues; possibly including but not limited to Asperger's.

Charles

wow - yes - i can see everything that everyone is saying. Maybe it isnt healthy for me to rationalize. But i do think for me its part of the process im going through to move on. and with any form of grieving, which is a natural reaction to losing someone in our life, We go through periods of trying to make some sense of it....

Yep you are absolutely right - i totally see that!! ! Thank you!