Adult boyfriend seems arrogant and rude

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Hi Everyone,
This is a wonderful site for both Aspergians and NT like myself. You probably cannot imagine the frustration and angst I've felt over the last two years since I began dating a mature man who seems to have undiagnosed Aspergers. He comes across to other people as very intelligent, but he dominates conversations when he gets into politics and goes on for ten minutes even though the other people show obvious signs( looking away, talking to someone else within the listening group) of not being interested.

He has a high IQ and is very well educated. He's a wonderful, sensitive, generous person. The other problem he has besides talking too much when others aren't interested, is he snaps and says things very directly, which come off as quite rude.

Should I remind him when he's rude? We just recently had our first conversation where I told him I think he has Aspergers--he already acknowledged that his 29 year old son probably does as well(quite obvious to me), so he didn't react negatively when I suggested our communication problems might be due to his have Aspergers. I don't see him as actually being wrong, just different. Some of my friends thought he was arrogant and that he felt superior to us because he's so smart, and he does seem that way. Under that false image, he's terribly insecure and often very timid in social situations.

So what do you folks think is appropriate to say to him about how he responds to others in what sounds very rude?

To be honest there have been times when I wished people would just tell me they need to end the conversation or that they would like to talk about something else. Anything less than an explicit statement often didn't work with me.

I've improved over time, but mostly by explicitly checking. Also by hanging out with people who will talk about my interests for hours at a time. And not talking about my interest all the time, although such conversations can be difficult if the other person doesn't talk my ear off.

He probably doesn't realize he is doing this. He talks and doesn't realize people can't get a word in edgewise and we have a hard time picking up on non verbal cues so it's most likely he isn't picking up on it. It's obvious for you but not for him. When I have done this, my husband would tell me people never got the chance to speak because I kept talking talking talking and then I would feel all embarrassed about it. He might be embarrassed as well when you tell him this but we need to know right so we can learn. I always expect people to talk when they have something to say but when they don't say anything I just assume they are listening and have nothing to add. But I have to keep remembering they may not be speaking because it is rude to interrupt and maybe they don't want to be rude. I have learned to pause and wait at least five seconds to see if anyone else speaks. If not, I keep going.

Also when I say things, sometimes my husband tells me that is not appropriate to say. But he knows me well now so he actually tells me to not say this or that before I even say it and he also assumes I could say it so he makes sure by telling me to not say anything about it.

Maybe you could arrange for a secret signal to let him know when he needs to stop talking.

Thank you folks, for your replies.
I had thought of making a secret signal to let him know that he is talking so much the conversation is boring the others. I feel badly for him, he can only talk about intellectual topics, politics and theatre being his absolute obsessions. Even when it comes to giving me feedback on our relationship, there is nothing there, no "You're special", or "You mean a great deal to me" or other normal types of exchanges between couples who have dated for more than two years. He seems only capable of intellectual topics or talking about other people and how they have shortfalls.

I adore this site! You Aspie folks have so much wisdom that is appreciated by this NT.
Again my heartfelt thanks to all of you.

I recently suggested to my wife (who has some Aspie traits including talking too long without a break, just like I do) that we just raise a hand when we want each other to stop talking and listen. Haven't used it yet (it's rather hard to get used to the idea and so far we've simply forgotten to do it), but it's good to know there's a reasonably benign way that's been okayed by both of us.

If you want to give advice about his social oddities, I'd just go for it fairly bluntly but without really rubbing it in or showing anger or frustration. Avoid giving any sign of hounding or nagging him over such issues. Just say things like "I think you'd get better results from some folks if you were a bit more careful how you put things sometimes." Avoid apperaring to side with the neurotypicals....his ways aren't wrong, as you've pretty much said already.....just that there are people who can't cope with them, and it's just a logical matter of finding the right syntax.

It might also be worth reassuring him that even if he makes no "progress" at all, it's not the end of the world, and that you know that any changes he does make will probably be quite painful for him at first.

It might also be worth finding a number of different ways of saying the same thing, because repetition of the same essential message is often necessary, but you don't want to sound like a broken record.

Are you sure you aren't trying to change this boyfriend to fit your needs?
Everyone deserves to be who they are, it is no more right for one to "help" an aspie change behavior unless they want help, than it would be for your boyfriend to want you to change the way you look.
If he is not looking to change then don't try and change him.

Secret sign, that's definitely a great idea, so he doesn't get embarrassed nor does he stay on his own to figure out if he's doing too much the talk.
Me and my wife have that arranged, she give's me the signs whenever I do it too much.

backagain, you make an very good point. I do want him to converse more to my liking and so I don't know if this is a relationship I can last in. He is married and divorced twice, which tells me that his two wives couldn't deal with him. In both cases, the wives left.

Secret sign is a very good idea. My son and I have a couple of signs, one if he sees me carried off to the boredom of all present on my special interests, and one which I have for him when he does the same.

Not much use when my son isn't around, and not much help to him when he's at school and I'm not around, but other than that it works out okay.