Alternate Personas

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Hi,

I wanted to ask how many people have developed alternate personas to help cope with being an aspie in general? For example, I have developed an outgoing, likable persona for myself to help with social interactions, but that is not who I really am. Has anyone else done something similar?

There are several books that advocate this approach, but this was not something that I was told to do or learned about. I picked it up by emulating those around me -- I was not formally diagnosed with Asperger's until I was thirty-five -- so I had lots of years to work on it. Usually most people just considered me an odd, quirky child then adult, but I always knew I was significantly different than the average NT.

Often I feel like I am lying to myself or those around me when I am cloaked in my alternate persona. I have work a lot with my therapist on being able to confront social situations and work just being who I am. The constant stress of "acting" tires me out and gives me significant anxiety. Yet, my success has been limited and I am frustrated with the whole situation.

Thanks for reading this and I would like to read other people's thoughts.

Johnathan

Yup... it's almost like I put on a mask before I step into a social situation. It's "mentally exhausting" if that makes any sense

It is really mentally exhausting. Some days I come home and all I want to do is sleep. This past weekend I slept for a majority of it because I had such a difficult week. Also, being "outgoing" often means that you make yourself available to being touched and I HATE being touched by anyone but my son and wife (and even then it is sometimes difficult).

Yes! This is quite true for me as well.

And I find it exceptionally tiresome too. I wish I didn't have to do it, but at this point, I don't really know any other ways to go about being social.

I make myself appear very engaging and enthusiastic. Not too much, though. I try to maintain a cheery aura. I learned how to do it from watching my father interact with people.

From simple people watching, I've become quite good at using this 'trick' to get what I want from people.

i have to act to a degree or people find me very offputting.

i can't keep it up when tired or under stress though, and i hate it. i struggle to find a compromise i can live with.

I really do feel like an alien... Having to observe the other humanoids and imitate them to blend in

There is no alternate persona, for the most part I react to however people act toward me.

I'd like to develop an alter ego, but I've never been a very good actor and I can't lie if my life literally depended on it.

Yes, I really hate things like small talk, hand-shaking, high-fives, etc. But if I don't do these things, people consider me rude, stuck-up, or think that I hate them. So sometimes when I'm meeting new people who don't know how I operate yet, I have to play along. I can't stand it, and it makes me not want to leave the house at all unless I am going out with an outgoing friend or two. I usually want somebody to be my "designated talker" that will do all the formalities for the both of us.

What is funny is that I really do feel "shy" for a lack of a better word.. or just awkward.. in any social situation that doesn't involve close friends -- unless they get me talking about one of my passions. Well, one of my favorite interests is sex, so I will very openly talk about it to anyone. And because of that, nobody believes I am shy. I just feel nervous to the point of panic attacks when I have to make small talk.

uck. yes.

i had it with a lifetime of being told i was intimidating, people thought i hated them (when i had no opinion or no recollection of them at all) and so on, so i have made an attempt to make some adjustments but more and more i would rather just stay home alone.

I am the same way as Tia. If it is something I am interested in, I will talk to just about anybody. Small talk and I do not get along. Sex is one of my favorite subjects too and people treat me as if I am very open and not shy. Although I not a huge fan of touching ( I do have a son, so I have done some touching obviously), intellectually thinking about sex, reading about it, watching documentaries are all very interesting. Growing up I never understood that women had an interest in me sexually. It just never registered. I had lots of friends that were women, but no girlfriends. It wasn't because of a lack of interest (although I am pretty sure my parents thought I was gay) On of my old friends in grad school is a lesbian and she would tell the most amazing stories. I like learning about people who are on the periphery of sexuality and do not fit the norm (probably because I don't fit it either).

That is how I am!
I hate when I begin dating a man, and he does things like touching my face or trying to make out with me or holding my hand. I know those are supposed to be "first steps" that lead up to sex, but to me it seems like forced intimacy. It seems like things you would do after you'd developed feelings for a person. It makes me very uncomfortable. I actually fit in better with the S&M/fetish crowd, because I would rather go straight to rough sex than this fake romantic courtship, and I can just say I'm not into "vanilla" things rather than trying to explain how I feel.

I hate strangers wanting to touch my hands as a greeting! I find that so odd. Why would I want to shake your hand if I don't even know you yet? Just say hello from your end of the room & don't touch me! That's how I feel, but I can't say that.

My mom always worried about me in high school, and lots of people thought I was gay. I'm actually gender-blind. But I just never had an interest in going out on dates with boys and making out with them. The entire idea of it disturbed me. Truthfully, it still does. There have been many times I've purposely gotten drunk on dates just to help me go through the motions of the social norm hoops I must jump in order to get laid.

I just saw so much of myself in every response, but Katzefrau's really hits home:

i have to act to a degree or people find me very offputting.

i can't keep it up when tired or under stress though, and i hate it. i struggle to find a compromise i can live with.

Pushing myself to find ways of being comfortable in public led me to become a performer. I have always been most comfortable onstage, because I know I have the floor, and I know what the expectations are for me. There's no one to interrupt me, distract me from my speaking or singing, and therefore, I feel a sense of control I don't feel in public otherwise. This led me into a twenty-year career as a gigging musician, with many amazing experiences under my belt, but I don't think a lot of people understood (or understand) that the way I am onstage is completely oppositional to the way I am in the rest of my life. My stage presence is direct overcompensation for the severe discomfort I feel in social situations; onstage, I'm loud, I'm gregarious, I'm witty, I run around like a headless chicken with complete grace, I grab people by the collars (literally), and I'm fearless. Offstage, being social taxes me to the breaking point, often, and I (as my husband puts it) "suffer from the heartbreak of clumsiness".

Tia. Wow! That is so interesting. I have never been very interested in kissing and the whole courtship dance since I discovered that women were interested in me. My wife complains that all I want to do is jump right in and have sex, but she want all of the niceties that are suppose to come along with it.

S&M/BD is very interesting subset of sexual culture. I did not know that much about it until the last couple of month, but it really has been interesting to learn about. I always thought I lead a sheltered childhood, but in fact it was the Asperger's that was sheltering me -- if something was not in my purview, I did not see it. So I didn't see that much other than the occasional Hustler magazine or the like.

All of the different genres of pornography are also terrible interesting. Especially independent or specialized material. I followed the journal of a woman who was becoming a man for about a year. It was really fascinating process to read and about.

I put on a mask before my 2 hour parking lot job. I put on the mask of a quick moving headstrong athlete, because Shelby at work can't be like the Shelby on WP.

Yes I am different whoever i'm around.

That is how I feel. When I first told friends I wanted to do stand-up comedy, they said they thought I was too shy to get up there. I actually love being "up there."