Aspie Mum needing help

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I'm an undiagnosed 40 something who comes from a family with an undiagnosed father. My daughter is 12 and seems to be NT but she's at an age where she's really starting to notice that I'm not like other mums, and she doesn't like it.

We've explained to her about Aspergers and how it makes me behave and feel and she does try to understand but, like my husband, I don't think she really gets it.

Last night things came to a head and she approached her dad in tears asking him why I won't spend any fun time with her and that she's lonely and wants to feel more of a connection with me. I've never been able to play games with her and I am incredibly noise sensitive and she's very loud. I just don't know where to start with trying to meet her in the middle. I know I can't change who I am and I don't know how to pretend to be having fun when I'm not.

I've asked her to write a list of things she'd like to be able to do with me and I've said I'll write one of things I'd be happy to with her. So far I've only come up with one thing that doesn't involve sitting quietly on separate seats reading or watching TV.

Are there any other parents out there who have had to deal with this situation, or anyone with Aspie parents who have managed to overcome these kind of problems?

Any suggestions or advice at all would be very gratefully received.

I think you should focus more on getting an actual diagnosis than on figuring out how to tell your daughter.

At twelve, your daughter might be old enough to enjoy visiting a museum. Try to find out whether there is any museum reasonably close to where you live that might interest both of you - it needn't be art, it could be science or natural history or modern design; whatever your daughter can imagine spending an afternoon around. Another idea might be a trip to the local zoo. Even though twelve is an age where some kids regard zoos as something for younger children, the prospect of spending time with you and watching some animals might appeal to your daughter.
Both a museum and a zoo wouldn't require you to interact with too many strangers and provide a lot of interesting things to talk about. If possible, choose a time to visit them that minimizes the number of families with younger children or school classes that will be there - a weekday afternoon might be a good choice.

And I don't agree with Delirium in this - if you feel okay without a diagnosis and don't miss out on therapy options that you think could help you, going through the diagnosis process is optional, I think.

Thanks for the quick responses.

I would love to get a diagnoses but I'm in the UK and the number of hoops you have to jump through and people you have to talk to to even get close to a specialist who can diagnose you is incredibly daunting. I did try once and got as far as the local mental health clinic but the man I saw there had absolutely no clue about Aspergers and wanted to treat my anxiety. I found the whole thing very difficult and never went back

I should have mentioned that I rarely leave the house. I can't even take my dogs out without having anxiety attacks. I can go out and about and visiting places like museums (which I love) but only when my husband is free to come too. My daughter wants some mother/daughter only time and understands already that going out somewhere together is just not going to happen. On the rare occasions we're back in my home town it's easier because I'm more comfortable there and it's a big city so people generally just ignore you, but here people are very forthcoming and friendly, they want to stop and have a chit chat *shudder*

I should probably suck it up and go see my doctor about anti-anxiety medication, but I hate talking to him too

If going to a museum sounds like a helpful idea to you, but you don't want to leave the house, you might consider getting a coffee table book or another book with lots of pictures to explore and talk about that you can study with your daughter. Even if you don't want to buy one (I know that this kind of books can be expensive), the local library might have something on a subject both you and your daughter are interested in. You could ask her to go and get a suitable book or if she does not feel up to the task either send her and your husband for the book or only your husband. If you did the latter, you could also give him just an outline of what fields or subjects would be suitable for both of you and let him pick the book, so there's an element of surprise and neither you nor your daughter gets the advantage of consulting other sources like Wikipedia in advance.

Just a thought of how to eliminate the anxiety issue, but if you daughter is not interested in this kind of activity, you'll probably have to come up with something quite different anyway.

That is an excellent idea!! !

We are both book worms and already have a lot of interests in common, there are also areas where I have knowledge/skill that she would like to learn more about (maths, crafts, art and photography) and vice versa (for her, science and history)

Thank you, money isn't a huge concern so this would be a great way just to sit and explore something over hot chocolate and cookies

I'm always happy when I can work out a way to help other people.

If you don't feel like that would be intruding on my part, I'd like to hear how things worked out. Some feedback to see if my idea was indeed as good as it seems to be at the moment.

I hope the two of you will enjoy your coffee table book time.

I will happily let you know how it goes. I told my husband about it as well and he thinks it's a great idea too, so when she gets home from school we will do a little on-line shopping together for good books

You COULD also try wearing earplugs. They may not be too conspicuous and, if you can hear her fine, she shouldn't care.
They WILL muffle loud volume, and limit some disturbing frequencies.

I may give that a try but I think I might find it frustrating. I like to hear the house around me, the cars passing etc so I know what is happening for safety reasons, it's just the shouting and laughing and singing and whistling and general craziness that seems to surround her that I find too much to bare.

Yeah, I know, but you can hear an AWFUL lot even WITH ear plugs. BELIEVE ME, i HAVE BEEN THERE. I didn't mean to shout but, once I had, figured it fit.

Maybe having a mother/daughter game night would be fun for both of you. You could play a board game or cards. Even if you have to buy a bunch of new board games, it probably won't be anymore expensive than going out.

Doing some type of crafts could also be fun.

Whatever you end up doing, I hope the two of you have a great time together. "Going out" seems to be the most common way people spend special time together, but it NOT the only way to go about doing so.

I will try the earplugs, definitely

Board games are out, I'm not patient enough. Maybe when she's a little older and we can play things like Risk. It's sad, but I can't stand waiting to take my turn, I'm a bigger kid than she is sometimes

Crafts are in though. We've just had a long chat and she wants to learn quite a few of the things I enjoy doing, we're starting tonight by cooking dinner together

Thanks for all the help, I was feeling awful this morning but I'm feeling a lot more positive about it all now

I have three children. Two girls ages 17 and 18 and a son who is 15. This is an issue at our house as well but is getting somewhat easier as they get older. They realize that I can't do what a lot of other moms can do but I try to do what I can. If they want to come into my room and talk or whatever there can be no giggling. Also I need to be prepared in advance to do an activity with them. I ask them to not ask me to do an activity at the last minute. You just have to keep the lines of communications open and find what works best for both of you. As my middle daughter gets older she has enjoyed reading the same book as me and having opportunities to discuss it. I also find cooking and crafts easily to tolerate as togetherness activities.

That is good to hear. What is funny is she has two friends that are Aspie but she doesn't connect how they are with how I am, I think because I'm her mum she expects me to be normal. She's learning though