"Lacking" Manners

Post Reply New Topic

Hopefully I'm not the only one. Lol. I'm most definitely not the only one but I'd like to know how others have coped. But whenever I am obligated to say simple things like "please" or "thank you" or "sorry" I get either really embarrassed or really uncomfortable to say them. Embarrased is usually associated with "thank you" and uncomfortable with "please" and "sorry." Personally, I find saying these things a real drag for those reasons. Especially saying sorry in situations when you're not sorry. And when I'm not sorry, I simply forget to say "sorry" at all and thus appear very rude, which brings about more criticism. And instead of saying "please" I ask the request very sheepishly or modestly. And as for "thank you," its just the same. When I say these words it's as uncomfortable as saying "I love you," which I NEVER ever say at all to ANYONE. Not friends nor family. Yet they know that I do but they don't know why I don't say it. Family especially doesn't know why I don't say sorry when I evidently should. But I don't go all honest on them and say I am not sorry. I simply don't say sorry. If there are alternative besides the things I am already doing, suggestions would help greatly.

I lack manners. But those words were so much drilled into me as a child that they don't mean anything to me. They are more like scripted words I have to say.

It's simpler than you might think.

Just say it. Whatever it is. It's just words.

Look, I TOTALLY understand feeling as though you might be lying by saying things like "I'm sorry," or "Thank you." But that's only if you take the terms in strict literal sense.

This can be tricky to understand, but here goes my "theory" on this stuff.

"I'm sorry," when you don't FEEL sorry, isn't necessarily a lie. Think of communication this way. What you SAY doesn't matter. It's the message received that matters. NT's don't really care much in most situations whether you are truly sorry. What they care about is hearing the words. It helps the situation, pleases them, and smooths things over making future dealings with them for YOU much easier.

"But it's NOT TRUE!" you might say. Maybe so, but words have an odd power. I might feel like crap, but when I'm asked "How are you," and answer "Great! How are you?" enough times, it can become self-fulfilling. Telling yourself enough that you feel great can actually MAKE you feel better than you did. It's not easy by any means, but if you force yourself to, it CAN work.

The same is true with saying your sorry. Saying it enough can actually help you convince yourself that you really are, and can eventually cause you to feel more as if you really are than you at first believed.

That isn't as important as other people hearing it though. Even if it's not necessarily true. It could also just be a matter of not feeling sorry, but BEING sorry, which isn't exactly the same thing. Being sorry doesn't necessarily have to be an emotional experience. It can be an intellectual one.

The situation can be a bit more complicated if you don't intellectually understand WHY you should be sorry. Maybe you think whatever you did was justified, and you shouldn't have to feel or be sorry. In that case, it's a matter of respecting other people's feelings.

Say you were just in whatever you did. Think about how whether you say you are sorry anyway might affect your future dealings with the person involved. Will NOT saying it cause things FOR YOU to be tenser and more difficult later? If so, there is your PERSONAL motive for saying it whether it's true or not. You might feel as if its a lie, but you have a choice to make. Say it anyway, and risk it not being true (OR possibly becoming true just by saying it), and probably make future dealings with the person to be easier for YOU, or, don't say it, and future dealings with the person will MOST LIKELY be more difficult for YOU.

Weigh the options, and pick the most favorable outcome for you. I've found that where my kids are concerned, who are all on the spectrum, getting them to consider situations in this way caters to their Autistic thinking. Everything to them is "what's in it for me?"

In practice they usually choose NOT to say they're sorry, and wind up complaining that dealings with the people they refuse to apologize to are not good. I just keep suggesting they try apologizing and see what happens. Eventually, they do, and learn from their own experiences that it JUST PLAIN WORKS!

It doesn't feel right at first. But after a while, it will. Life is NOT a simple bunch of logic problems. We are ALL human beings, and even those of us on the spectrum have emotions that are NOT logical.

Apologizing isn't about truth, logic, or who is right or wrong. It's about hurt feelings, and smoothing them over. And that is NEVER logical.

In addition to the previous post: You can also not be sorry for something you did or said, but you CAN be sorry for offending that person, or hurting their feelings, or saying something that may be true, but better left unsaid. If you look at a certain situation, there could be more than one reason why you could be sorry, though it may not necessarily be for what the person expects an apology for. Maybe if you look at something a few different ways you may be able to get it out easier.

Just a thought.

I do have a question though, and hopefully this isn't off topic...why do you not tell someone you love them? My son won't say that, doesn't like to hear it, and I know he loves me and he knows I love him. I can tell him how much he means to me, but I can't say the "L" word. I have always wondered why...

GREAT point!

And a great way to think about it as an Aspie, because it is so "logical" in the way the thought processes.

It is still about feeling, but approached in a logical manner. This is exactly the way I try to get my kids to think about it, and it works with them. It even works with my middle son, who is severely entrenched in "logical thinking."

I don't like saying it or recieving it either, but can i explain why that is? hum. I think, when i was a child, i hated hearing it from my mother because i felt it wasn't true. Now, that may not be your son's case ofc. But from what i remember, i had such a good memory that i had stored away anything bad that my mother said and probably didn't really mean, and kept them as proof to myself that when she said she loved me, she was actually only trying to ease her own regret for not loving me. Yes, you could label it paranoia as a child though, i would have called it being aware of the truth.
I don't like saying it even now as a grown up, i will say it to my children and partner, but it's not "comfortable". I don't want to have to think about it, and when i say the words, i hear them too, and just like i do with everything, i will scan it to decide if it is true or not. Basically, everytime i tell my husband i love him, my mind goes "is that a lie or the truth? do i still love him? " then i start imagining what i would feel if he left me, etc, to decide exactly if i love him or not. That's if i let the whole process unfold, ofc, nowadays i just say it and try to think of something else quickly, it's too draining

I'd much rather say please and thank you, than come across as being rude. I'd be more embarrassed if I came across as being rude.