Shutdowns

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I've been wanting to write this since I started posting here, but I haven't really been able to assemble all my thoughts until now. I think I overwrote a bit, but that seems excessively easy for me.

Also kind of wondering if this sounds familiar to other people, and what shutdowns are like for others.

One of the reasons I started to seriously think about whether I have Asperger's Syndrome these past couple of months (although it first crossed my mind a few years ago, and I never really let go of that idea) is that I live in a house with several adults and a few teens, and we hit the holidays (Thanksgiving). One thing Thanksgiving brought was guests, noisy noisy guests, and I following that one of my nieces (adult) moved in with her two children (1 and 2 years old). Since she's gone 10-12 hours a day, my niece, sister, and mother have been watching the children (I don't know why no one asked me, but since I cope poorly with noise, I do not complain). Thanksgiving onward is when my coping mechanisms started to disintegrate and I started to really see/feel myself as autistic in undeniable ways (not just shutdowns). It still took more time before I was strongly convinced. I still have doubts, but I will see if I can get a diagnosis (if for no other reason than I am currently applying for SSI/SSDI).

My sister especially, but also my niece would yell at the kids and even start screaming arguments with each other and my mother over things, and this built up day by day, and then my sleep schedule changed completely. The children themselves make a significant amount of noise, and I suspect one may be autistic himself, given his toe walking, hand flapping, and what appear to be meltdowns (my sister insists he's having tantrums, but she can't explain what sets him off).

What I mean is in the afternoon or evening, I'd just... have to go to bed and sleep for an hour or two, like I was overwhelmed and that was all I had to deal with it, and this happened on a nearly daily basis.

In the first week of December, I got letters confirming that I was accepted into the "General Assistance - Unemployable" program in the state of Washington, which means cash and medical assistance, as well as assistance with things like applying for SSI/SSDI. The very next day I found out that the governor and the Republican part of the legislature wanted to axe the GAU program with apparently urgent budget cuts. This prompted an extreme panic/anger reaction that pushed me very rapidly into emotional meltdown territory, at which point I felt a very strong need to go to bed*. I was in the middle of writing a PM to a friend about what I had just read, so I ignored it until I just stopped moving and stayed that way for well over an hour. My emotions had shut down some extent, I could feel the physical effects of a panic attack, but had none of the emotional resonance. I'm not sure words had meaning for me at the time, but I don't recall that I heard anyone speaking. Ever since, my emotions have been subdued and my rather chronic depression has not been seen or felt much.

And the urge to go to bed and just lie down was the same urge I had been having already since Thanksgiving. It's just the first time I ignored it in recent history. It's not the first time I've experienced something like this - I've done it when I've experienced emotional, social, and sensory overload.

Afterward, though, it's been fairly constant (was constant before but I didn't really think of them as shutdowns until I saw Pensieve's description on another forum and asked her directly). What happens during the shutdowns is that sensory input becomes ... not incoherent, but not really organized? Like I don't really interpret noise as noise, light as light, touch as touch. Just an impression of sensation and even less of a sense of the passage of time - I've had these last from 30 minutes to 2 hours and I honestly couldn't tell you that the duration felt different to me.

Sometimes particularly sharp sensations can jolt me out of this state. A couple times it was pain from laying on the wrong hip, but once I moved I was right back in it. Twice I've been jolted out by external factors - mainly, people banging loudly on my bedroom door (although sometimes I don't respond to this at all, it's not consistent). On those two occasions, when I woke up, I couldn't speak, or at least felt like I couldn't speak, for some time afterward. 90 minutes the first time, and the second time I ended up just going to sleep for a couple of hours and couldn't say. I could speak normally when I woke up.

Also, as far as language goes, the last shutdown I had actually started with me losing the ability to speak, and then the ability to read, before I had to lie down and had another full shutdown. I regained the ability to read (and write) afterward, but I had more difficulty processing/responding to speech, or initiating my own speech, and I find I dislike being around people even more than usual because of the demands for immediate responses. I could hold a conversation - everything's scripted - but stepping outside the scripts is more difficult.

The sensory effect happens to me at other times, and seems like something I've suspected might be absence seizures. It has happened when I'm sitting at my desk, having a conversation, waiting for a bus, or trying to fall asleep: basically everything I can sense dissolves from coherency and becomes, I guess, complex/indescribable sensations. When this happens to me during a conversation, I occasionally keep talking although I'm not usually aware of what I'm saying (but I also have communication difficulties on occasion when fully aware - like my mouth goes off on tangents or I simply keep finding the words to almost say something misleading but similar to what I want to say). Afterward, I have impressions of what I sensed (sometimes vividly) but I can't really describe it. I don't spend a lot of time like this, although I think I did a lot more during my childhood and into my teens. I am not sure if this is some kind of sensory shutdown vs. a more complete shutdown like I have been experiencing more frequently lately. I don't think it always happens when I'm overstimulated.

If I sound like I understand what's going on, I don't really. I'm just trying to describe what I experienced as accurately as possible.

* Another poster suggested this might be an acute stress reaction, but I didn't experience any of the typical symptoms, and having had an acute stress reaction in the past completely unlike this, I'm not sure what to think. The sensations and experience are pretty much identical to every other shutdown I had before or after.

That sounds a whole lot like shutdown to me. Mine are similar in some ways, different in others, but everyone's pattern of shutdown is different.

Thank you, I really appreciate hearing that.

Now just waiting to see what happens, speech-wise.

Yes, sounds like a shut down. Currently going though one on my own. Lately they involve me either not wanting to speak or want to speak but feel it's too much of a chore. Not being physically unable to speak but in a sort of mood where I feel I just don't care but then I do care enough to just dwell on not being able to speak to people (even online) and wanting to.
And I was supposed to go to a gig tonight but if I go like this I will most likely have a complete shutdown and a seizure, because I don't just get one on their own.

Yeah not doing good today. The misophonia is playing up too. Guess what someone is doing in the next room? Crumpling a packet of chips.

Yeah it took until I got the exact right combination of seizure meds before I could even fully differentiate shutdown from seizures. And most of my seizures even without shutdown can have parts that feel like shutdown sort of.

Gah I wish I could figure out how to write about my shutdowns today but I just keep talking around the issue.

Oh and one interesting thing I've found is that some people's shutdowns are other people's normal. I know someone where if she starts having my kind of language comprehension issues I immediately tell her to go lie down or something. Where for me those are pretty everyday.

It's like they know sometimes. Somehow a screaming child was put into the corner on the opposite side of the wall from my bedroom three times during my last shutdown. It didn't really disturb me, but at other times it is one of the things that seriously contributes.

And yeah - I mean, I don't think I am physically unable to speak, but I am not sure how to describe it. I'm tempted to say it feels like too much of a chore, but I'll have to think about it, because I'm not sure how I relate to it. And sometimes (like earlier today and last night) it felt like many words were just not available outside a specific context (like phrases I've memorized). Or like I can say specific things, can whisper more things but that's not much use, and of course typing seems unaffected, except when my reading was affected, which was weird. Like I could comprehend what I was reading but had no retention.

No good having to miss a gig.



That makes a lot of sense, given the variability of symptoms and functioning in general. And how it seems like a lot of things are pretty subjective in how they manifest. One of the things that made it hard for me to say I had AS for sure, and then after a certain point it made it a lot easier.

The jerking and hallucinations that I see/hear never used to happen with a shutdown. Actually my first seizure involved a bit of twitching, losing the ability to move and a droopy eye. It's grown since and can become as severe as a clonic tonic seizure though I still remain conscious.

But this type of exhaustion I'm feeling and thinking every little task is just too much to bear seems like the shutdown part.

I know but I chose to be responsible and not go. It feels like I took a knife and slashed it through one of my special interests. And this band is. And I know two members well. But I had a...I would call it exactly mild but it wasn't a full seizure. I saw the same band last night but I can't even tell you if I enjoyed it or what was the most memorable part. I was there but I wasn't.
That's what I hate about conscious seizures. Also the fact that I have them and people don't seem to notice. I have to be convulsing on the floor for them to even blink an eye at me. The only good part is I can control them to a certain degree.

My shutdown came from a sudden change in how I was getting to the venue. My friend has a chronic pain condition and didn't think she'd last through another gig. So she told me to call our friend so I could get a lift with him. Sounds simple right? I mean I'm getting better at speaking on phones. But as soon as I saw it was a land line (meaning I couldn't text him) I began to panic. Then I thought that I would have to give him directions to my house which I'm bad at. Then I just thought about how bad I'd be at the gig. Then I just sat still for a very long time unable to do anything.
I did message one of the band members saying I couldn't go. The best I could communicate with him last night was through my eyes in which he did stare back but I'm bad at reading eyes as much as facial expressions. And really if he pulls me on the stage one more time his road manager is probably going to get really cross with me again.
So I decided to take a few months off (probably just one month - see how long I can go without them) just so I can cool down and actually get diagnosed with a seizure disorder, and possibly medicated.

I've got to add though when I go to see this band it's the only time I wish I had better social skills and was remotely NT.

I'm not sure if this would be considered a "shutdown" but at times when I'm speaking I eventually just get annoyed and stop talking and ignore everything that's going on. People will wave hands in my face and call me and I'll just ignore it all. I'm just too tired to respond.

Sorry I'm late replying to this. I found this article on shutdowns:

http://everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1707940



And this:



Okay, then, that makes a lot of sense, explains the other night.

sounds same as mine, they last me usually 30 minutes and even afterward my thinking is slowed for several days usually....though I might get out of the shutdown, takes me mind a few days to reboot all systems i guess.

I have shutdowns.

I've had so many this past month I'm not sure I've had a chance to recover fully between them, actually. It's really bothering me.

I actually had six from December 25-27.

Wow, good article.



I seem to have some sort of permanent shutdown in that way. My ability to read ranges from marginal to not-possible. I use text-to-speech software which is somewhat helpful. It's been the same for almost 20 years, now. Previously I was good & fast reader with good comprehension and retention. I've not heard a lot about long-term (or permanent?) shutdowns, though.

Anyone else have any long-term shutdown(s) going on?

My shutdowns typically last for days or weeks. Only the catatonic episodes last from minutes to several hours.

I've had some kind of emotional thing going on since December 6th. That's not very long term, but it has been noticeable to me. It seems like emotions are muted, but I also don't typically feel depression. It breaks through occasionally, but most of the time, not there. I'm not sure whether this is a good thing, a bad thing, or just a thing.

I may have had other things going on for longer, given I have changed in particular ways over the past several years, but I'm not sure how to fully explain them. Mainly, some things are harder to do than they used to be, but I am having trouble organizing a list. Which is one of the things, actually.

These could also be described as burnout, given when all that started.