Am I supposed to repeat what they say?

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Something I have always had difficulty with is getting people to understand that I know what they want me to do. Like at work - usually when someone tells me what I need to do, if I do not need additional directions, I will say ok or I will do it. However, no matter how many times I say ok, I understand, I will do it, people still repeat the task or directions to me over and over again. I once had someone yell at me when she was telling me not to do something because I told her, "Ok. I understand, I won't do it again." She said, "No, you don't understand!" and continued to chide me until I told her, "Yes, I do understand, and you do not have to speak to me like a child. I do get it, and I will not do it again."

I'm not an idiot. I know this. Yet sometimes, it feels as though people think I am because they continue to speak to me as though I do not have sense enough to understand simple directions.

So, now I am wondering if I am supposed to be repeating what they say back to them? It feels like a waste of time and seems very inefficient (not to mention it feels like I'm having to "dumb" myself down just to communicate), but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what I'm supposed to do...

Do they do it because they know (or think) you have Asperger's? If so, I'd just continue telling them what you told that lady.

No.

I am experiencing the same thing and I have also tried to repeat what they say, or finish telling the whole story before the person uses another 2 minutes explaining, but they still keep going, telling the same in different ways, so I have given up this and usually just wait until they have finished speaking. In between I answer "yes" and nod the in right moments, every time they tell me. It is a waste of time regarding their purpose, because I already got the point, but I also think it is funny, because I can study the person, who sometimes is illustrating with body language what he/she is repeating.
Last time this happened was 2 days ago when somebody was explaining me a simple system for locking the door and putting a metal peace on a wall, that should be a symbol that the door is locked. I guess the person was extreme, but he repeated himself over 5 times to explain this easy system.
I am wandering if such systems are difficult or complicated for a NT to understand the first time, and the fact that I am a girl (he was speaking very friendly in an overly sweet tone) maybe made him think it is really hard for me to remember.

I'm still waiting to be formally tested, so I've never actually discussed the possibility with others. Maybe they think I'm mentally deficient because I do not respond in a manner that is, "typical"?

LOL!! I laugh because it sounds like what is going through my head when they are repeating themselves to me. I get so bored on the second or third go around that I begin to wonder how to make them stop and if they are ever going to stop. I also get frustrated because I know it is time wasted, both theirs and mine. I guess I just need to be patient and let them talk themselves out...just have to figure out how to stay focused and not drift off thinking about something else in the process...

hehehe!! !

I really struggled to suppress my smile by the 3rd time he explained it, because the whole situation was by then not real. I felt like in a movie where two extremely stupid persons try to solve a childrens puzzle. I managed to stay serious this time though

Oh my. lol! If those things start going through my head I might just start messing with people. "So, you mean if I turn that metal thingy there, and put this metal thingy here, then the door will be locked and no one can get in? Really??? I never thought of it like that before..." (contemplating really hard)

i know what you guys are talking about. Actually, my own husband treats me like a toddler. He goes on explaining things , that are for the main part untrue or superstitions or hearsay by the way (and here i shall refrain from adding a negative comment about my husband's education, because i love my husband), but it sometimes borders on emotionnal abuse to be totally honest. He does this in front of third parties. He must know that i know what he is talking about, because we talked about it or I taught him the thing in question, for instance, but in front of others he will often explain it to me, in soft tones, like you would a baby. If i answer "yes...i know that..." in a puzzled tone, he will get paternalistic and say "it's ok, you will learn" with a smile. Not once in a while. VERY often, he does that. That's abuse disguised as kindness, or am i paranoid?

Could you tell the person who is repeating themselves over and over, "Hey! I understand, this is the fifth time you're explaining this!"

A lot of us(NT) get caught up explaining because we ourselves are trying to break the instructions down into small pieces and we don't understand that it's annoying to repeat the instructions. I think that it an essential difference between Aspies and NTs: Aspies are listening to understand and grasp the knowledge, then they are set to go, while NTs discuss, rattle on and generally yack just to yack.

The man I'm dating(Aspie) shouldn't be interrupted when he's giving instructions because he'll take a brief pause, rewind the mental tape, and replay the instructions beginning at step one. I find this annoying because it wasn't step one that confused me, it might have been step 3 or 4, but he misinterprets my question and heads back to step one. sigh.....

I tried that once, and I am pretty sure it hurt the other person's feelings. She become very huffy, short, and to the point (almost haughty). I had to spend time explaining to her that I wasn't trying to make her mad, and finally to tell her I was driving and was simply trying to end the conversation and get off the phone before I had an accident. This seemed to be the only thing that patched things over...

For me I have trouble with explaining things to others because, even though I try my best to create a thorough, simple explanation it still seems that it is too complicated or that I am often missing the most basic points. It's almost impossible for me to talk someone through something that is simple to me because I see it in a much different manner than they do - i.e. I might see it as you have to simply learn how to type data into a field, someone else may see it as though they need to understand the software program before they can even begin to wrap their head around putting data in that field.

What I usually do is rephrase what I think they've said into my words and reel that out to them. Then they can tell me if I've totally misunderstood, or if I've correctly interpreted their words. It seems to work well.

Last edited by Moog on 20 Jan 2011, 10:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

i.e. I might see it as you have to simply learn how to type data into a field, someone else may see it as though they need to understand the software program before they can even begin to wrap their head around putting data in that field.

That is an excellent explanation and helps me, thanks! That's exactly how the man I date operates, he would take a mini course in who wrote the software, which company bought and produced it and how well the stock is doing. Then, he would use the software. LOL

I used to do that to my partners, though probably not as often. I gradually got it through my skull that it's very annoying, and apart from my Aspie lecturing tendency, I think I'm pretty much cured these days. I don't think it's a deliberate thing though. Maybe on an unconscious level a lot of men see women as kids, but it's not necessarily conscious. If I were on the receiving end, I hope I'd try to get it stopped by simply complaining every time it happened, saying things like "don't patronise me," "have you any idea how it feels to be talked to as if I were 5 years old?" or "why don't you try to make me feel like an adult?" I would think, if it always backfired for him to be like that, eventually he'd see the point. Just try not to be too harsh about it - he's likely confusing it with being a loving, caring partner, and might interpret the complaints as an emotional rejection....though in truth all you're doing is to get the caring to run through the right channels, so you can receive it properly. Stand your ground, and firmly but gently insist on being talked to as an equal.

To the OP:
I don't know what that lady is playing at. Possibly she's trying to scold you and doesn't want that to be undercut before she's finished making you feel stupid. Or she may have a reason to doubt that you really know what she said. Either way, she's making a pig's ear of it. I think I'd try to get her to come clean about what the hell it is that makes her seem so unsure of her communication with you.

What they really want is for you to restate in your own words what they have said. That proves to them that what they said registered and was understood. And they won't repeat it. If what they said is very simple, repeat it verbatim.


Why do people do this? It's to counter-act peoples' tendency to space out and not hear something while giving the appearance of listening. It's somewhat annoying to be on the recieving end but it's even more annoying to have actually spaced out, not caught the important direction, and wail "why didn't you tell me?" after everything goes wrong and they actually did tell you. I've had that happen (both as speaker and as listener) and so have most people. It isn't on account of Aspergers at all. It's a convention that came into being because the tendency to space out while being given important directions is fairly common. Also common is the tendency to nod understandingly while not actually getting it, which is why the preferred response to complex directions is to re-state them in your own words.

Interesting. I only repeat back something in different words if I'm not clear on what they mean. Like someone asked me to put a picture "over" the one that was there, so I asked if they meant they wanted me to replace it or literally put it above what was there.

It happens to me sometimes. Once a client was telling me what they wanted, and someone I was working with at the time said to them something like, "Even though he's nodding and saying okay, he'll give you exactly what you want." And I thought to myself, isn't that why I'm nodding and saying okay??

I understand the logic thinking here, and it is probably the best way of handling it, but it might not always work.
Have you never been in the situation, where somebody is repeating him/herself constantly, even though you finish the sentences for the person repeatedly? Some people repeat what they said in the beginning, even though you have restated his/her words in 2 different ways yourself. In the meantime they can keep going on with details about the stupid task, like the guy I was talking about in my abowe post. He even expressed to me in words that the metal piece is more easy to see when it is on the wall. In the beginning I really made him understand that I got the picture (I am not a mute person), and since he was speaking very slowly I actually already finished one of his first sentences, but it obviously didnt matter, and towards the end I first started nodding because orelse I would have to repeat my own repetitions. I promise that this was not the first time I met a person like that, but anyway I think its funny. This man really made my day.