where to for my aspie dad and me?

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I think my dad is undiagnosed Aspie. Im 39 single mum, I think Im NT.

Ive moved back home with my mum and dad temporarily, and my knowledge of my dad's (probable) developmental disorder is hard to live with.
I feel a certain responsibility to discuss my findings with him. I feel it might explain for him a whole host of puzzling and often painful experiences he remembers from growing up.
I am motivated by wanting to improve my relationship with him. Im not sure if Dad even knows I have this massive problem relating to him.
Thanks previous posters who talked about growing up with Aspie Dads. Especially the advice to connect to Dad as I would to another NT person whom I wanted to reach out to.
The advice of getting involved in one of dads interests though, just doesnt work for me. Dad is constantly talking about his obsessive interests, some of them I have been hearing about all my life, some are new and just developing, some are completely of the moment. But dad's inability to "read" the receptiveness of his audience means that I am frequently ambushed into exhaustive, unrelenting descriptions in highly technical detail of his latest ideas on a given topic.
I find myself at a loss to know how to protect some personal space for myself, I feel under seige by this barrage of information, on which honestly I have little interest or opinion. It is hard to develop an interest, as the level is so far over my head, and also dad likes to play devils advocate and immediately condtradict any small offering I try to make to develop the conversation.
I feel Im in need of some survival tips, as I am constantly in retreat.
Subtle hints dont register (like, dad Im just on my way out to the clothesline...or dad I dont really understand the terminology at this level...), and being blunt (dad, this is exactly what you already told me, or Please just tell me is there a point at the end of this??) tend to tip him over into anger, and he storms away muttering.
Im presently hiding out in my bedroom. Im 39 for goodness sake, and Im back here doing what i did as a teenager. Except now I have internet. Anyone got a better idea??
I need a firm, kind way to let dad know that I want out of a discussion.

Welcome to WP ... and my two daughters share your dilemma.

Your presumption of needing "a firm, kind way" is certainly logical, but even that is not likely to bring your desired result. People like your dad and I only know how to be as we are, and your logic is not going to affect or change ours ... and no, that is not because we are simply stubborn or hard-headed. Rather, that is just the way we are wired.

As daunting as it sounds, tell him that you believe he has AS. Then tell him you have this book that gives a great explanation of what AS is, Tony Attwood's The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome.

heretolearn, there is a chapter in it that deals with NT children dealing with AS parent/s, especially undiagnosed adults.

Good luck.

Leejospho has a good point here. And it may seem like a lost cause if he's right. I say "if" only because he could be. If you're 39, your dad has obviously had a very long time to develop and become entrenched in his patterns. Sounds to me that even if he doesn't have AS, the behavior is just as hardwired as if he does.

I'm kind of like he is too, and so is my thirteen year old son. Bluntness doesn't offend either of us though. We've both somehow learned that even if people are just being rude, it isn't worth taking personally. Sounds like your dad never got to that point. For him, it seems, having an audience is very important to the process. When you take that away, it upsets him. My son and I, on the other hand, don't need an audience. We'll just keep going inside our own heads once people tell us bluntly they aren't interested.

If he's really Aspie, it won't help to make your point while he's on about his interests. You may want to try talking to him about it when he's not intent on telling you all about whatever. One very strong Aspie trait (if it is present at all), is extreme difficulty in "shifting gears."

In other words, if he's already on about a topic, it's because he's already gone over everything he wants to "let you in on" in his head. It's like a program he feels the strong need to run to its completion. If the program is interrupted, it upsets him. The best time to try dealing with the situation is not when the situation is in progress, but when it isn't.

Try approaching him when he's relaxed at some point. Don't expect him to be willing to talk about it right then and there either. Tell him you'd like to discuss something with him, and that if "this isn't a good time, maybe sometime later." Literally make an appointment with him, but in a way that he understands that it's YOU who has something to discuss.

If you can nail down a time, when the time comes, start with, "I love you dad, and I love that you share your interests with me, but often I'm simply overwhelmed with the details. Sometimes I have things to do and the time isn't right. Sometimes I'm really just not all that interested. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but sometimes I just need my own mind to myself. The problem is, when I express these things while you are trying to share, I END UP UPSETTING YOU, and I don't want you to be upset. HOW CAN WE DEAL WITH THIS IN A WAY THAT I WON'T HURT YOUR FEELINGS, AND STILL GIVES YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHARE WITH ME?"

Note that "I end up upsetting you," puts the "blame" on yourself, not on him.

Make it a question/problem that you SHARE, and that he can actually help you solve.

Don't start with "Whenever you..." because that puts the focus directly on him and what he does, which is going to put him on the defensive immediately.

Even an Aspie can learn to change the way they react to things. Even after decades of entrenched habits. I don't necessarily believe that the brain is "hard wired." I believe it is more a matter of "software." Software can be reprogrammed. So can the human mind. If this were not true, it would be impossible for us to learn, grow, and mature.

But this is only true to an extent. A great extent, to be sure, but there are still parts of who we are that we can't change, so it's a bit of a crap shoot. If we could predict everything where our interactions are concerned, we wouldn't have these kinds of problems.

I will let you in on what my mom does with me, even though I don't really like it. This is what she does. I am going on and on about something, she is long past give-a-you-know-what about it, so she just doesn't respond to one thing I say. She gets quiet and says absolutely nothing. She doesn't acknowledge what I am saying at all. It's like talking to a wall or to thin air. Her belief is doing this will cause me to shush up because I am not getting any responses or reactions from her. Sometimes it works, sometimes I just keep talking anyway, with no commentary or feedback. Depends on if I am in super talk mode or not.

I have read a chapter about parenting, I think it was in the Attwood book, where the little girl asks her dad for help with her homework, and receives a bewildering lecture on complex mathematical theory, intended to open her eyes to the wonder of the universe. It made me cry because it is a picture straight out of my childhood, many many times over. I forgot to mention Dad was a nuclear physicist until he retired.

Thanks for this great reply, with alot of insight. It is interesting to think of dads monologue as an unstoppable program which must run to completion- certainly fits my perception! Yes the audience part is important to dad, but as you say, this comes at the end of a thought process that may have been turning over in his mind for some time, and now is the time for delivery mode. OK best not to interrupt at this stage, granted.



This is a very good way of putting it, I like it. Im still not sure whether to include the discussion of suspected Asperger's, I am anticipating that to be a very confronting discussion for him, and likely to put him into strident opposition mode. I think its better I just tackle this communication issue on its own, just as you suggest. Otherwise there is just an enourmous field for discussion, how much of dads behaviour is related to his Aspie wiring, and how much is Dad's own personality.
This must be a universal question for people who have an Aspie in the family whom they know and love, and I doubt if there is much value in trying to assign bits of someone's personality to their neural configuration. Still it is hard for me not to wonder at times, is this Aspergers I am arguing with, or my dad?

Leejosepho, I am impressed that you are aware of and acknowledge the difficulties that your Aspieness poses to your daughters. Im inclined to feel this awareness would be an enourmous benefit in trying to improve relations between my father and me. It is what motivates me to bring Asperger's to his attention. However I have misgivings about whether it would cause upset to the reasonably stable and happy relationship that my dad and mum share. They seem to have worked out their own ways of communicating which work fine for them.

If that's the case, is your mum aware that your dad is probably an aspie? Maybe you can discuss with your mum first your concerns before discussing with your dad.

Who knows? Your mum might experience an a-ha moment and things might finally make sense. It's not too late.

Good luck.

I would say something like, "I hear your passion for this Dad. It's great you can experience microbiology (or whatever it is) so profoundly...but it is really above my head."

Or even, "Radio astronomy is a subject you love Dad. But you know it's not my bag."

But I don't think telling him he has Aspergers will be helpful.

Last edited by tall-p on 25 Jan 2011, 9:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If he is not already aware of certain deficiencies and trying to do something about them (or in relation to them), he would likely just be offended and/or hurt by the suggestion there is something wrong with him. But either way, this is not the same thing as discovering and addressing a treatable problem. His Aspieness is always going to be there, and others will have to learn to cope.


If you say anything at all to anyone, I would suggest beginning with your mother. If your father is approachable, she will be instrumental there.

I'm in nearly complete agreement with this, with perhaps an additional thought.

At some point, he may accept his "Aspieness," but until that time, Leejosepho is right. As long as he isn't aware, or hasn't accepted his AS, the only option anyone has in dealing with him is to learn as much about his AS and cope with it, without his help. If he ever does learn of it and ACCEPT it though, that is the first step for him, that COULD lead to his learning to cope as well. Acceptance is only the first step though. And it can sometimes be a long journey between acceptance of having the condition and acceptance that though one does have AS, one CAN learn certain coping skills.

Both steps though, are entirely up to him, and any direct pressure to accept either AS itself, OR the fact that he could learn to make adjustments and cope is more than likely to meet strong resistance, if not outright refusal.

Extreme patience with him is absolutely necessary.



Fantastic advice.

My husband goes on and on and on, and I've tried to stop him in the middle, and like your father, he gets really upset. After many years of being together he has learned my "I'm just humoring you, I'm not really interested" look. He takes it well, and he has come to appreciates the patience I have with him over this, and we even joke about it on occasion.

I would try to talk to your mother, and ask her how she deals with it. You know if you're getting this, your mom is getting it 10 fold. You say they have worked out their communication, she, if anyone, is the expert on your father. I'm sure she has a trick or 2 up her sleeve.

My husband, who knew nothing about autism until we had our child, found a book one day about AS and started reading it. He was so happy and relieved that he found a reason why he felt so different all of his life, and it gave him, and us a better understanding of our relationship and the difficulties we had, and sometimes still have. It didn't change him, but he understood me better, and I understand him better and we are so much more solid because of it. Maybe if you could find a reason to study autism, and then talk about it casually with your father maybe he can put the pieces together himself and come up with it on his own. Who knows, it may be life changing for him, like is was for me and my husband.

Good Luck!

Come to think of it, Mommyjones, although she didn't mention this specifically, inspired a good thought about your mom.

She's not only more than likely getting it far more than you, if your mom and dad have been married for a long time, she's also been dealing with it for a long time. If she and your dad get along fairly well, she probably knows better than anyone how to deal with it, because she's had the PRACTICE!

That's exactly what I was trying to say

It helps to have it pointed out, even if it is hurtful. The other thing it does is it has taught me to love the knowledge, the discoveries, the whole process my brain goes through to internalize this thing. It isn't motivated by anyone and it isn't contingent on anyone sharing it. I have also learned to see the 'look' in someone's eye and stop the talking. I also don't want to torture those who are around me and allow them to stretch, yawn, smile when I am providing way too complicated of an explanation or just too much information in general. I can read it now, and let them off the hook.

I think you need to have a conversation with your dad, begin it by saying, "I need 10 minutes for you to give me your uninterrupted attention. I need to have the floor for 10 minutes." Then begin the conversation with the 'issue' you have with listening to his different areas of study. Be gentle but be direct. After you validate he is brilliant and interesting let him down with the brilliance is lost by feeling like a wall, there for absorbing his words only. At the end of the conversation, carefully plan it to last 10 minutes, ask him how it felt to listen for 10 minutes without interrupting. Try to get him to see how much it feels like torture and prison from your perspective. How wrong it is too assume that anyone is interested in the musings in his mind. Tell him you have musings too, would he want to sit like this for hours???

There is no reason for you to discuss AS with him. You can bring it up in the course of the conversation, drop off a book to your parents, but nothing infuriates parents like diag - ing mental stuff by their children. If you can reach him with the prisoner feeling, then it might be a better atmosphere to introduce AS...like Dad it might just be you have AS .... you can't read ques that it is torture, that it isn't anything that anyone wants to know the quantity of information he feels compelled to share. He may not even consider he is boring everyone to death. I do not think it is impossible, with the right approach, to reach someone. If he is retired from a job he has had to interact with people all his life and there is no reason he can't learn to figure this out.

be gentle and kind and affirming...Dad you are the most brilliant person I know...good lead

lol