More and more often I do not understand who I am

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I will define myself at last.

I have communication problems. In the school I didn't belonged to the group. Because of this others sometimes taunted over me. But it is ussual situation. But I never wanted to fight with others. I just wanted to be left alone. In the latest class the situation became better. I didn't felt good in the group but even had a little quiet. Then I entered the university and there people were more tolerant but I still could not to interact in social life properly. Something stopped me, I felt that I can not be relaxed and full-fledged. But I now have quiet. I met some people which now I can name as friends. With them I behave almost relaxed and even can make jokes and be fun. It is hard to take part me in the Internet life. I have some strange behaviour which is more attractive to me, but because of that behaviour I cannot find internet friends. I had succes because I found a girl which understood me and now we are a pair. Perhaps she have AS. But in meets I feel bad it is hard to take part in meets, I just go away from talking. Perhaps because of that it is not interesting or I am scared to say something. I think that I can make something unacceptable. Other people are very welcome but I still can't overcome myself. I know that I can talk and take part in discussion but I do not do that. That was my social life.

I have OCD. I self-diagnosed. I read about symptoms and a lot of symptoms found in me. But I suspended it. Sometimes it shows. I the childhood I have a period when I wanted to say any mind which I get to the mother. That was quiet unpleasent. Also I wanted to make things through. Also if I touched a thing for one time I should to touch it for another. Later that procces became to three-touching process. In the adolescence I began to think about things which can happen to my parents. Such things like auto-catastrophe or exploding of atomic electricity. Then I should to imagine situation in which I and my parents must to get in safe condition. Often there happened some events in my mind which were making troubles for my safe-ended imaginations. Also there were some "smaller" situations like cutting the thread which were also complicated. Often I thought about that who I am, and sometimes I excogitate some nonsenses which made me crazy. Sometimes it is hard to concentrate to me because I think about concentration process. Even now I do some stereotyped motions which came from my OCD-actived period of life. Despite of suspending my OCD I experience some uncontrolled minds. I can believe in something without argumantation, but often I think about thing very acuratly and try to make clear conclusion. There was more from my OCD experience but it is hard to rememember because a lot of was blocked in my mind.

I am good at mathematics, I don't know what reserved it, perhaps my OCD, I don't know. But it is hard to me to absorb, memorize information. It is hard to me to read fastly (that could be because of OCD). And anything can cause me the obsses. I want to be interested in something but it is very hard. Also it is hard to me to learn in the university but I bring myself. Now I have vacation. I do nothing. And that cause me irritation. I feel very rubbishy, I want to be interest in something. These irritaions are very unpleasant. I don't know what to do.

I think that I have some more strange symptoms but it is hard to me to understand which symptoms are strange because I don't know all normal symptoms and don't know exactly about normal behaviour. I am quiet antisocial.

I do not understand who I am. What diagnosis can be suspected on me?

ruudvandrago

I think you could have aspergers, or a high functioning version of autism.

you like to categorise and classify things, including yourself. I think you might not be happy until you know where you fit exactly. Lots of people search for "meaning" in their life, this could be your version of it. Not everyone finds an answer that satisfies them so don't be upset if you don't.

I think there are still ways of thinking and interacting with the world, combinations of personality traits and the like that haven't been categorised or classfied or organised. You might be in one of the "undiscovered" or "undefined" (so far) groups.

I'm not sure about your learning problems. But the university should be able to tell you about many different strategies for learning. Maybe you would do better if you could video tape lectures and play them back a couple of times after (visual learning). You would have to get your lecturer's permission, but if they know your difficulty along with your talent then they should be helpful. The university should be able to loan the equipment.

And I think you might find it helpful to talk to someone who studies autism or aspergers or both, about how you feel and your frustrations and see if they have ideas for addressing them.

And I think maths clubs exist, where people spend time doing maths in the vacations, maybe you could ask your maths teachers/lecturers about that too.

Thanks for ideas, it was very interesting.
In the university I have fairly large marks average. But I think that I could have better if I would be more interested. I think that I don't need visual lessons (after all it would be hard to me to organize that). I just need to be interested, I can learn in traditional ways. There in Lithuainia the system of learning in the universities is wrong, a lot of students cheats and that also make me angry. But is not very big problem for me.

Also I like think what a bad situation is for me and how could be better. That is not good, but I think that in that way I fill my dormancy and insipidity. I know that I must change.

What is that strange behaviour? Have I noticed it?
And you speak in a "pedantic and stilted" way, (that is how it is written in AS descriptions), I like it very much.

There is a possibility that you're AS and simply mis-diagnosed yourself, the two share similar traits.

It is passivity, it is hard to me to find new people. And I try do not use people comunicating rules

What do you think about the possibility that you might have AS/autism ?