Can the need to compete be an obsession?

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I had a conversation yesterday with my son's teacher and we were going through one of his workbooks with timed tests in them. She explained to me that they do not do timed tests at his school (this is a school for kids with learning challenges and autism), however my son wants to be timed. He apparently requests this quite a lot. I'm not sure if he keeps track of how fast he is, but I wouldn't put it past him at all.

Linking this comment to his STRONG desire to win and be first (even if he has to cheat), and how competitive he is, I was wondering if the need to compete, even with yourself, in many different aspects of life where you can be competetive even when it's not a competition, can be an obsession in itself?

I've always looked at my son as a perfectionist, but I never looked at this from an obsession angle before and I was wondering what your take is on that thought?

In my case, tough to answer. On the one hand, I hated competing; this may have been due to lack of confidence, and the feeling that I had to "prove" myself to compensate for my shortcomings- (I often complained, and still do, about the fact that our society is over competitive)- but on the other hand, I do notice that I seem to be competitive and feel a strong stress about "winning" and being successful. This is extreme in areas of special interest! This could be due (in my case) to feelings of inadequacy, coupled with a strong perfectionist streak. Unfortunately, it is not a trait that I like....it has caused me much grief in my life, as well as anxiety. I think AS people, rather than identifying themselves in terms of social relationships, tend to find an identity based on what they are interested in, or what they do. In my case, this has been both my greatest asset, as well as my most challenging hindrance.

When I was a child, I thought, for instance, that the purpose of playing a game was to win. Now that I´m an adult, I realize intellectually that that´s not the purpose. Even so, games, to this day, still stress me out, and I feel I have to prove my worth, and I can´t understand, for the life of me, how a group of people can get together and play a game just "for the fun of it"!

I am good at pool because I can obsessively play on my own for hours, even practising one kind of shot again and again.

When a pool comp is on, even though I could win, I choose not to compete to avoid stress.

However, I did notice a competitive aspect to others, at a support meeting. I guess it just depends on whether the person is naturally competitive, AS or not

I consider an argument as a competition.
As a kid I used to race my sister to the car. I had to be the first to finish a meal.
When it comes to a special interest I have to have a bigger collection or have more knowledge than anybody else.
I consider it an obsession.

I was the complete opposite of the person who said that for them the point of playing a game as a kid was to win. But to the extreme that it bothered all people who had to play certain games with me. There was a game called Waterworks where you had to build a pipeline with cards. I was so interested in building the pipeline that while I would prevent others from winning, I would also refuse to put the final card on my pipeline. This really annoyed my brother, who thought I was being irritating on purpose.

I was always competitive as a child and a teen. I was always trying to compete with my sister, even though she ended up with more privileges than me, like the opportunity to babysit and she had better grades than I did. I gave up at the age of 16 when my hippiehood started. It didn't seem so exciting anymore.

Oh I guess I did one form of friendly competition with my other brother. We tried to knock each other's names off the high score list of one particular video game. But I liked that less because of the competition and more because of the way it felt. Hard to describe. But not about status despite the activity. Normally though there wasn't much competition to me especially compared to most people.

I think competition is/was a coping mechanism for me.

Even when something was not labeled as a competition, I would consider it that way anyway and try to prove my worth. When I won, I felt less worthless. It is about self esteem to me I think.

Example:
I was biting my fingernails for 15 years.
People tell me to stop it without providing good arguments.
I continue.
Then someone I know who also did this tells me she wants to stop biting her nails.
She has trouble stopping and I figure that is is an accomplishment if you can.
I immediately stop biting and have never done it since.

The moment I saw the situation as a competition with a price, I was motivated.
The other person did not even have to know that I won, it was an internal issue.

Not sure if it is to compensate for the social weakness, but I have this persistent strife/wanting to excel.
It worked well in school, where I got alot of stickers and stamps for my tasks.
It worked less with cardgames, because people did not want to play anymore.
So I played worse and I was welcome again.

At the age of 25 I preferred losing the game and participating to winning a few times and being excluded.

Might have something to do with my perfectionism; I just hate making mistakes in anything.
Working on it though oooh test situation: I will press 'submit' now for this post and I have not reviewed it at all. whiiiieeeeehh here goes!

This sounds exactly like my son. There probably isn't anything I can do to help him is there?

Yeah, part of it was that my Mom used to always say that the purpose of playing a game was to win! And she was good at games, so as a child, I never won. Apparently, when she used to say that, she said it only as a joke; however, I didn´t pick out the "jokey" tone, I really took it literally! When I was a teenager, other people used to say "it´s just for fun", or "relax- it doesn´t matter if you win or lose", but I assumed they just said those things to make losers feel better. At some point in my adulthood, I finally realized that people get together to play games as a social activity, and that it´s meant to be "fun". I don´t find games fun- well, not usually- it´s like that whole childhood thing ruined me, or maybe I still feel like I have to be perfect?....as I´m writing this, I realize how pathetic it actually sounds, and I never really thought about this much before.

I tell my son all the time that games are not about winning. I have gotten him to understand the luck of the draw, and with games that are dependent on what card you get he is OK with losing because it's not him. It's the strategy games that he gets really mad at. He loves to play games though. They are structured and he knows what to do, and it's good for him socially because he gets good interaction, but at the same time, to use his words, "he can't handle the pressure of games" because he is afraid to lose. He's constantly conflicted.

It's more than games though. He is always comparing himself to others and has a strong need to have the "er"....bigger, stronger, taller, faster, smarter...which ultimately leads to him being dumber, smaller, weaker. He says too that if he wins 10 games and loses one, he feels like he lost them all.

I can understand where he´s coming from. He may feel he needs to "prove himself" in some way. This sounds like how I´ve felt much of my life. I was less vocal about it, I think, but unfortunately I internalized these thoughts, and they influenced me right through my adulthood. I don´t really have any advice; it sounds like you´re doing the right thing, explaining these things to him. It might just take time.

He internalizes a lot, but then after a while something sets him off he unloads on me. I think it's because he just can't take it, and thankfully he talks to me. I don't know how much I help him, but I keep trying. I hope you're right that it will just take time. I worry so much about him being depressed, or feeling worse than I realize. He has so many things to offer. I hope someday he realizes this.

Thank you for your posts.

Seems like its a common obsession with most people........I have never really cared that much about it. Sure its nice to be good at things, but I am pretty much the opposite of competetive I don't go out of my way to try and do better then someone. Now there are minor things like when I was getting my books for college I went for the used ones as quickly as I could because I did not want to pay full price and I knew other people would be looking for the used ones as well, so yes I did want to get to them first. But I have never been one to compete for the sake of competing.

So I would say yes it can be an obsession, but I don't see it as an abnormal obsession at all because it seems like many people in general share that obsession.