I've got some issues going on with special interests and responsibilities and organization and was hoping somebody might have some advice.
First, the basics:
Me: Senior engineering major, part-time student.
I have extreme special interests that come and go, depending on when something catches my fancy. They can be as intense as 20 hours a day, or only three or four. Depends, and is pretty unpredictable.
I also have some issues with schoolwork. There are several problems going on there:
1. I have problems organizing myself well enough to remember what needs to be done, when. If I am caught up on schoolwork, I am often behind on everything else, such as bills or social obligations. I use a PDA but it's only useful if I remember to check it.
2. I'm afraid of failure. Really, really afraid. It's a justified fear: If I fail a class--ever--I can't stay in school. My education is being paid for by the BVR, and they will not allow me to re-take a class I've failed; so if I ever get a "D" or worse (you can't get a "D" and have it still count toward your major), that's it--no more college degree. Probably forever.
3. Naturally, that means that not only is it difficult in terms of transitioning for me to switch out of special-interest mode, whatever that special interest happens to be that week or that month, but I also have to deal with the fear that comes with tackling something that matters so much. And I don't always have the mental energy to deal with that.
4. Once I'm behind, it's extremely difficult to catch up. Organizing when your homework is on time is difficult enough. Organizing when you are weeks behind is nearly impossible. I usually end up getting very slightly behind, and then everything piles up until it's obvious that I can't catch up without heroic effort...
This winter, I had three days in a row without school. Everything was iced over and for the first two days the school was closed. I missed class. And that was probably when it started. We had a test on the third day; and I stayed home because I thought school was closed, when it actually wasn't. I ended up behind in that class. I couldn't figure out how to catch up. The professor decided that those who had missed the test (because of the ice on the roads) would simply have a more heavily weighted final exam. But that was what threw everything off for me. Once I got disorganized, I couldn't figure out where to start again.
Now I am four weeks behind. I'm not just missing that class; I'm messing up my other ones, too. I let down my project partner on another class by being so late with the powerpoint for our presentation that she didn't have time to review it and had to practically read off the powerpoint while giving her part of the speech. I still hate myself for that and if we end up getting a bad grade, I am going to ask the professor to raise her grade and lower mine, because the problems were my fault, not hers. I know I'm overdue for several appointments, somewhere, sometime, but I don't know where they are or with whom. I missed a doctor's appointment and nearly ran out of heart medication (I take beta blockers to stop premature ventricular contractions from making me occasionally dizzy--it's a minor issue but annoying). I'm eating a bunch of crap that isn't even nutritious, and I'm not getting nearly enough sunshine. My sleep cycle is crazy.
I keep trying to get started again but everything just seems so overwhelming. I don't know where to start. I hate asking for help, but I'm going to have to ask for it; and even then there's no guarantee that any of these problems will get solved. Above all, I'm just so scared I won't be able to get back on track... that I'll end up in a horrible apartment in the bad part of town, and have to give up my cats, and not be able to work, and probably lose my disability income because I can't get organized enough to do the paperwork for it...
Ironic, isn't it? You need disability payments because you're not organized enough to support yourself; but to keep them, you need to be very organized...
24 Feb 2011, 3:48 am
