Is denial common for parents?

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I believe my sister and brother-in-law are having some difficulty coming to terms with their son's diagnosis. Their eldest has been medically diagnosed with austism (had to do the test to enter kindergarten), but have refused to believe it and therefore refused treatment. They continue to keep him in speech therapy. The eldest is 5 and non-verbal except for bouts of echoalia and screams. He can sometimes be very engaged with other children, however. I think it's because of this they believe he is not autistic.

Their second son is 3 and also non-verbal. He doesn't make any sounds (except for sudden crying and screaming). He doesn't make any eye-contact and doesn't respond to anyone or anything (with the exception of suddenly bursting into tears). They have refused to have him tested (for anything) until he is at least 5.

To be fair, I don't actually know if either child has autism, and I only see them once or twice a month, so I'm not with them constantly.

What I was wondering is how common is denial and how detrimental is it to wait?

One question for you- are you yourself on the AS spectrum?

They may be in denial because they feel that having a diagnosis will mean there is something 'wrong' with their child and, as the parents, that there is something 'wrong' with them. They need to know that their children are not defective and if there is a neurological explanation for their behavior, then they can start doing some research and figuring out how to develop an understanding of their children that they might not have instinctively. Any new parent is pretty unprepared, so the new parents of autistic kids probably are feeling confused and lost. Getting a diagnosis of autism will give them some signposts to navigate with.

What kind of treatment do you think he needs? He sounds like he is doing pretty good based on what you posted here.


The first child sounds like he is doing alright. The second child, the three year old, they will most likely test when he starts school. If he is going to preschool, that will be when he is four. Five, at the latest.
There could be many reasons for this. One might be insurance coverage. Sometimes, it doesn't pay for treatment. Maybe they don't believe in the treatment philosophy.
You should have faith in the future and try not to worry. Part of success is believing there will be some.

Parental denial is almost inevitable. It keeps away the pain and grief and work of trying to find out what must be done next.

Or in the case of my parents...they may resort to cheap disciplinary tactics to deal with the symptoms instead of paying for competent therapy.

That makes it tough. That means you have to really light-touch any advice you give. For example, if it comes up, matter-of-factly say it one time and leave it at that. (maybe you can think of a better way.)

My Dad was kind of the same way (kind of still is). Thinks if he lays down some dictate ... . yeah, like you say, pretty cheap, pretty lousy.

I'm sure parents have denial all the time. That included me in the first two years after my first son got a diagnosis. We always thought he's just fine because he's just like me. If the parents are loving and supportive that's probably already loads better than average parents anyway. I was lucky that when I was little I got misdiagnosed as having epilepsy (never had any) so my mom concluded I was fragile and did not discipline me much. She spanked my brother frequently for not behaving. Somehow no amount of scolding or spanking made him behave or do well at school. Curious, eh?

I was mostly saying it sounds like your nephew's doing fine. The parents can have much worse reactions. Are you sure he's not getting other help? Maybe your sister didn't want to elaborate on all the things they did with him.

Parents are perfectionists, therefore they strive for perfection. They fear that their perfect children have been replaced by autistic children and stolen by the Autism Monster.

I'm not sure, actually. I'm 40 and none of my doctors have recommended any testing or mentioned it, but you never know...



Again, I'm not really sure. I met another mother whose child was assigned a therapist (?) who worked directly with the child in school. This treatment allowed the child to stay in the classroom and keep up with the curriculum.



I love them all dearly. I really feel like this is something they need to understand themselves. I listen and offer support, but I don't feel comfortable saying anything...yet.



I'm so sorry for your experience, but actually, you bring up a good point. I can't help but think that out of ignorance, they are doing the same thing (disciplining instead of treating).



I'd like to see these 'perfect' children you mention...

I've expressed my opinion here. I have a right to speak my mind, without having my motives challenged.

Depending on the insurance, getting a counselor or therapist through the school could be a good alternative if someone cannot get their health insurance to cover it. Some states do not require coverage for Autism (the state I am in, for instance).
Is he in special education or a regular class?

I was relieved when my son received the diagnosis of autism. This meant that my son's behavior was not a result of bad parenting skills on my part. In addition, the category of autism is powerful stuff. For example, if he melts down in a public place or tries to sit on a stranger's lap, then I explain that he has autism. People immediately understand and take a much more positive attitude with my son.

I was aware that something was not quite right with my child well before his first birthday. In fact, I was suspicious within a few days after he was born.

For better or for worse, I decided that I would not have him evaluated so that he could receive special preschool services for free for two reasons.

First, as a special education teacher, I have seen numerous educational settings ranging from preschool to college. The preschools for kids with special needs provide great intensive services. Still, on a gut level, I prefer to see kids bonding and instead of learning at such a young age. I also believe that we try to teach kids too much when they are still very young. At the kindergarten level, kids know learn phonics, counting, and basic addition. I believe that the primary goal of the lower grades should be socialization, art, music, physical education, and recreation.

Second, I worried that the preschool teachers would give my wife parenting advice. If they gave my wife bad advice, then I would need to live with a traumatized wife. This was the biggest risk in my opinion.

Nevertheless, under most circumstances, I would recommend sending the child for a free evaluation before kindergarten. This will provide the parents with more information.

Finally, do not worry about the kid receiving a "label". The current trend in public education is to give kids as many opportunities as possible to participate in the general education curriculum.

Sure, I know friend of the family, a teen, who is disabled in some way and whose father refuses to admit it. Some kind of pervasive low-IQ thing that also has strong autistic elements. It's very obvious.

Yet his father insists that he's just lazy and unfocused. The father is almost comically deluded but it's not my place to say anything.

Doctors said I had autism when I was little and my parents said it was BS. I think they may have been in denial even though they were aware of my behavior and they had something else to blame it on, hearing loss. I didn't show any classic signs of it and I seemed normal in the videos my dad took even though I didn't talk and I was silent and also laughing and full of energy and said some single words.

I found out it's very common in parents to blame their child's autistic tendencies on something else. Also very common for them to say they got their autism from something such as having seizures or being sick a lot and of course vaccines. Now my mom says I got mine from having too many ear infections and being sick a lot. Well that's when I stopped developing normally.

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Assorted comments. Do many parents have difficulty with slowly coming to terms with what a child may or may not have? Yes. Generally speaking, is the role of parenting given to the parents vs others including sisters, brothers, and so on? Yes. If children display some symptoms of what might be a neurological challenge, it's a good idea to secure a correct diagnosis sooner or later. At the same time, a correct diagnosis is no guarantee of good or effective treatment at all. Generally speaking, it can be very difficult to accurately diagnose every five year old child with what they may actually display. Often it can take time for the child to grow a little older to begin to see what's there/what's not there. The idea of early intervention and aggressive treatment as a double fix (instant gratification) for all five year old children is a myth (aka nonsense). The idea of an early diagnosis and then aggressive intervention in a lot of cases is veiled advertising for persons who make money off of autism/autism products/ autism therapy sessions. Some autism promoters are far more interested in making money off of children with autism than actually helping the children. Question was: What I was wondering is how common is denial and how detrimental is it to wait? If a young child does have autism, is it possible that the young child can be helped by a correct diagnosis and treatment by the right professional/teacher/whoever? Yes. At the same time, that is an ideal outcome and again, not guaranteed at all in all cases. Good luck.