Understanding depression

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As someone who has dealt with undiagnosed depression (for which I am treated for indirectly), there is one thing that really, really bugs me.

When someone has depression, it is absolutely vital that they can rely on others and have one or two good friends to fall back on. Some people think that this is an invalid, immature need of someone with depression. Someone, an NT whom ironically has had depression, told me that I'm acting like a 14-year-old if I have a problem with a friend not being there for me when I'm in need. In the opinion of this clown, people with depression should rely on themselves to get through it. She claimed that is how she got through depression previously and that I should "shut it".

Why do people have such a problem with the concept of relying on others for help?

I think it is just the nature of the depression in some people to withdraw even more. Problem is though that just like with diets or other things the person often thinks that just because something works for them that everyone else should do what they did and would be "cured". Doesn't work like that because there are so many other variables. I have had both major depression and I have chronic depression and have heard the most ridiculous things offered as advice. Most of the time though I really wonder if the people who have cured themselves of depression really had a clinical depression going on. I was told in school by a religion teacher that I was choosing to be depressed and could apparently choose not to be. That, as I had posted before, was like kicking someone when they are down because not only are you depressed but then you are being blamed for both causing and continuing the depression. I think the first time I was depressed I was about 7 or 8 yrs old - so when people offer there quick fixes or make willpower comments I don't pay much attention unless they really know what it is about.

I am guilty of this...so I thought I would try and explain it from my perspective.My mother and several of my sisters have major depression, multiple suicide attempt inspite of medication and hospital interventions...I have had a long history of depression from childhood, including much therapy,hospitalization, and many different medicines....I have found some things that have been effective for me in coping with my depression if not actually "fixing it"....I had a RET therapist which was the only therapy which made any positive difference for me.I had to make several changes in my life to allow me to cope with my depression including, not putting myself in situations that made me focus on things that make me depressed, such as social settings, "causes" which inform about how messed up the planet and" mans inhumanity to man"...and relationships that tend to drain what little energy I have to deal with my own depression.

I know how selfish that is, but for me its a matter of survival...I love my sisters dearly and try and be there for them when I feel I have the extra energy to be supportive but I cant take away their pain and it hurts and drains me to see them in such pain which makes me depressed... I do try and offer incouragment but they are the only ones who can make changes and just listening to them talk about their issues leaves me feeling depressed myself, so I can only do it in small doses.I hope that makes sense to you

I do that myself (lol) but I don't necessarily see that as the same thing as telling someone to deal with it themselves. It is like doing what diabetics have to do in order to help control their condition. I also don't watch or read things that are particularly depressing because it is not beneficial to take that chance. There are a number of other things that I was told to do too - like make sure you get enough sleep, ect. And I do other things too because of sensory issues that some people think of as avoidance but I know it can easily lead to overload so it is better for me to choose not to go some places. I didn't know that had an official therapy name, but it did make a big turning point when I was told about that instead of trying to cure the depression or sensory issues.

So I can see where someone may be inclined to say they don't want to get involved with being somone's support person, but they could still explain themselves at least or encourage the person to seek someone else.

I take advice from anyone who either has never had depression, or is not a doctor with a few grains of salt. These people do not understand anything about depression and never will until they either have it or become well-educated.

There is only so much willpower that can come from within. Think of it as trying to quit smoking. Quitting smoking requires some willpower from within, but in order to be successful, the experts say that you need to seek out support from friends.

I believe all people, no matter what, are entitled to a certain amount of support from friends when in need. I know I'm helping someone out right now that is in need, and it is my duty as a friend. As I told her, I'm going to be there instead of ducking out like all the morons out there that believe people with depression should have to suffer by themselves do.

A lot of the willpower garbage is holdover from the "Me" generation of the 1970s.

Oddly enough, the girl that told me to "shut it" that had had depression previously and got through it on her own (and believes I have to go through it on my own) no longer has depression, and has a boyfriend. Co-incidence? I know when I received a "yes" from someone to be my date for prom that a previous bout of depression magically went away in one heartbeat and stayed away for a long time. Instantly went from one of my lowest points to one of the best times of my life so far. (The depression slowly returned because no relationship materialized in the long run, but it is better to have a good time to look back on than to have nothing good to look back on.)

I don't care what anyone thinks. All people have the right to seek out friends in a time of need. I despise being criticized for that.

Something related to this on my mind tonight...

I just never want to go out anywhere anymore. I'm always at home and I rarely ever make an effort to go out anymore. I just don't feel it's worth it to try and make plans with anyone. People are "busy" or always cancel about 95% of the time - or they stand me up. I wanted to call someone tonight but I just can't bring myself to it anymore. I just feel like nobody in this city cares enough, and someone initiating something with me only happens once in a blue moon (generally once a year). It's virtually always the same answer when I make an effort. I used to try to set up stuff with coworkers for after work, but they always have excuses.

If I am to get over these feelings of depression, I need people to help me and take me out from time to time. But nobody ever takes me out. I'm just withering away in here while most other people are out enjoying the nice evening, out at the big festival downtown or at the bars.

Oh, sorry K.B., I'm supposed to go about this on my own and I'm a 14-year-old if I expect others to make an effort with me. FU*K YOU.

Gosh, if I gave the impression that I didnt think that people with depression need and deserve help and concern from others, Im sorry.I think its crucial for recovery!I also resent the ignorance and denial of many who have never suffered from depression....that iI should just"get over it...stop being so negative...smile....quit whinning....look on the brightside...." Well, if I COULD do any of those I wouldnt be depressed ,would I.....the idea that some one "enjoys" wallowing in their own misery is no less absurd then telling someone in a wheelchair that they are to lazy to walk!

I was just pointing out that with my own depression and AS, I find it very difficult to be as supportive as my family would like me to be....I do listen to them and would take them places if they didnt live so far away(different states),I was just pointing out that not fulfilling all their needs is not due to my lack of empathy with them or lack of love but due to my own limitations.....

If its possible for you, I would like to suggest local support groups for people with dpression or AS...I have found good support systems from people who are dealing with similiar issues....They also have "bad days" where they may not want to go out...but others are also looking for people to do things with....

No worries, I didn't get that impression from you. I'm not referring to anyone who has posted in this thread so far. (If your initials happen to be K.B., my sincere apologies for the coincidence!)



The depression group is a good idea. I'm not that interested in the local AS group though. As Bart Simpson once said, "I'm surrounded by...kids with mittens pinned to their jackets". The only other people around here diagnosed with AS are far lower functioning than me (I feel like an NT jock around them), thus I don't relate to them well.

I think that you got the willpower thing spot on, but putting more effort into that area can compensate for having less time with others. I know it can, I´ve done it. Try not to sell yourself short. The bottom line is that it takes work, hard work, and, unfortunately no one can do it for you. But, you are right, it is vital that you be around people who support you, its just hard because when I was dealing with severe depression I recognized the fact that I could understand how other people didn´t want to be around me. What about that girl you´re helping out, does she help you out? Can´t you give each other support?

Getting through depression is like walking up a mountain in the mud, with a 50lb backpack on, when its freezing cold in the pouring rain, and you´re dying of thirst but you don´t have any water, and, all you see are the people around you taking the elevator to the top which makes it even worse. The natural tendency is to want to just take that backpack off and get on that elevator, but, unfortunately it doesn´t work that way, I found that it was actually counter-productive to think that way. It takes time, a long time. Just keep plugging away slowly, thats all you can do.

Ranting is good, but it only relieves the pressure, it doesn´t solve the problem of how the pressure keeps building up. So, keep writing and letting your feelings out, or else you´ll explode, but, don´t stop working on the problem at hand. You´ve got to keep that pressure from building up in the first place. Keep trying to make connections with people, force yourself to get out of the house, try not to take rejections so personally, try to work on your mood and demeaner, don´t stop doing these things as much as it hurts. As Bill Murray said in What about Bob, "baby steps, baby steps!" And, whatever you do, don´t ever, ever, ever, EVER, give up trying, because the only sure thing that I know about depression, is that depression will definitely not just go away by itself, it´ll just get worse the less you do to fix it.