Eye contact and misunderstandings

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I make very little eye contact with anyone. I understand that to NTs eye contact shows that you are paying attention and interested in what they are saying, and hence very important to them. Eye contact for me though is an extremely uncomfortable thing that doesn't come naturally in any way. I read here a lot about people with AS working hard to improve their eye contact and even mastering it, but I don't have any interest in doing that. I don't want to force myself to do something just to please others. This includes trying to look at other areas of the face, etc. Looking anywhere in the area of the person is a problem.

My problem is that I've noticed my lack of eye contact does make people think that I'm not interested in having a conversation with them. Often that is true, but not always, and even the people that I am very happy to talk to can get annoyed with me.

Also at my work, people will ask me something and because I can't look at them they start to get angry that I am ignoring them, and very often start to move closer into my personal space so that they can ensure that I'm paying attention, which makes things even worse.

How do I tell people that I am listening and that I want to continue talking to them (if I do)? I have considered telling a couple of people at my work about AS specifically for this purpose. Bad idea?

i think telling others at work about AS is a bad idea, because then they know your weaknesses and work environment is a competitive place.

You must try to improve your eye contact, the world won't change because of you, you have to adopt. And by the way, maybe you will see that giving eye contact is so much more beautiful than telling someone "hello, i have feelings for you".

bye,
anton

I'm getting this at work, too. NTs seem to think that their assumption that lack of eye contact means that someone is disrespectful, untruthful or are hiding something is the only thing that it means. Which is stupid anyways, as Koori folk have an aversion to eye contact out of respect, culturally. Though I'm not Koori, it seems insensitive in this community.

What I do is to look in the direction of their eyes, without actually focusing on their eyes. This comes very naturally for me. I can look in the vicinity of their eyes, but actually focusing on their eyes takes effort and brings up feelings of shyness in me. It's hard, though, if I'm trying to hold a meaningful conversation. It just takes effort to do, which makes it hard to think about what I am saying.

Bad idea.
You could lie, tell them you have a "mild vision thing" that makes your eyes wander.
Or you could try any of the tricks here to fake eye contact. One that has not been listed is to pick a salient feature of one eye and track that. In this case, though, be sure to look away (away and up, never down) every 2 seconds or so; otherwise you'll be staring aggressively, and being seen as aggressive is even more problematic than being seen as furtive.

Good luck!

I have gotten better at looking at people. You don't need to look at their eyes. Just look at their bodies. But if it's a woman, don't look at their chest. Or you can look towards them.

I'm confused. To the people here who have worked hard to improve their eye contact- Did you decide you needed to do it to make friends? Or for work? Or so others might not see you were different? I don't feel like I have a real motivation to put myself through it.

Exactly. If it's not obvious that I'm engaging with someone through the conversation and they require some sort of eyeball-related game-play to confirm it, then I just can't be bothered with it.
I mean - are we successfully exchanging ideas about something or not? If we are, then what the hell does eyeball position have to do with it?

For work, and to not come off wrong. When looking for work, they do judge you on appearance so no eye contact, no interview and job.

The main reason is that people expect it. Not being able to make eye contact can cause social difficulties.

Before I knew I was autistic I would nod my head as the person was talking to let them know I was still listening I would also say stuff like: really, sweet, I know what you mean, thats cool, no s**t, stuff like that to show I am following their sentence. My co-workers would also tell people I was really shy and do not like making eye contact with new people. They would also tell people I worked on auto pilot so they would have to tap me to make sure I was listening and not day dreaming while working. My bosses would tell people not bother me when I was day dreaming while working because I sdeemed to work faster non-stop when I was in the zone.

No, yes, no.

It's a matter of being aware of how you are perceived. Work is a high-stakes environment (at least for me); I am very motivated to do anything I can to ensure that the impression I make is as close as possible to the impression I intend to make. That gets me things I want (resources, opportunities). Relaxing tends to be less effective, and I get less of what I want. (When I relax, I almost inevitably find myself ignored, dismissed, or bypassed for good assignments, for example.)

Eye contact, remembering people's names, remembering people's histories, remembering to respond to requests, remembering what things a person can be expected to know or not to know, guestimating who might know whom... All annoying, tricky, frustrating, and essentially mandatory tasks which one must find mechanisms to emulate and which one ignores at one's peril.

Outside work... Life is more like what you seem to be describing. If you don't like who I am, then have a nice life.

Yes?

Because it's useful to have people think that I'm honest and interested in what they're saying. It makes life run more smoothly.