How do you know you are not good at reading people?

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I am just curious on this point. All information simply states that people with Asperger's are unable to read social cues, etc, very well. But if this is who you are and you have lived this your whole Life, what exact clues pinpoint the decision that "uh huh, yes, I am bad at reading social cues"?

Is it purely based on the fact that others misinterpret you? That you walk away from an interaction feeling more confused than you think you should? That your having to think hard about what to say next? That you feel exhausted from interacting?
Stuff like this?
Or are there more precise indicators?

Thanks

Liz

I know for myself I have a hard time reading if someone is being sarcastic. I very often need to be told "I was just joking" by others when I didn't respond as expected. An example happened at work recently when a workmate was frustrated (but joking) with another co worker and said to me "can you hand me that metal bar you're holding so that I can smack him over the head with it". I didn't get his sarcastic tone and was not fast enough to process the entire conversation, so I went over and handed the metal bar to him.

He looked very confused and I tried to hide that I had thought he was serious, but it was too late. I always leave these (any many other interactions) confused, embarrassed and exhausted.

For me, it's the inability to read body language and not knowing what to say. I really have no idea what I'm doing in a conversation. I'm guessing most times because my social abilities don't come from instinct like NTs. I simply don't have that instinct. I use knowledge, and there's a lot I don't know.

What other people tell me. They act like they are mind readers. People have also told me they were just joking.

When I say something "inappropriate" and they scold me for it.

I had my car serviced a few weeks ago and although I know the guys at the (family-owned) garage, I was completely thrown when one of them came in from the workshop and said "Oh, you're really not going to like this", and proceeded to list some expensive-to-fix problems with my car.

The tone of his voice (flat, low and emphasizing "really") and what he said told me that something was wrong with the car. He confirmed my (apparent) reading still further when he said "You think I'm joking?" but in all honesty the thought that he might be joking hadn't even occurred to me.
But he'd asked a question and it had to be answered, so I mumbled some robotic analytical comment "Er, umm, well I suppose you could be but it doesn't sound like you are" - and then wished I hadn't said it when he burst out laughing and said that there were no problems with the car at all and of course he was joking.
The other guys in the office had picked up the joke because they were suppressing laughs just before I was told it was a joke, and everyone ended up laughing when he said he was joking.
Except me, who was just confused - as usual.

That all tipped me into an internal analytical spin, trying to dissect what he'd said and work out where the joke was indicated. I was still doing this over 4 hours later and I still couldn't see it.

So there's the above and many, many other instances where it becomes very clear that sometimes, 'I just don't get it' - where everyone else does.

Or when three days after an important conversation you realize something you missed that you REALLY needed to catch.

I come out of every conversation realizing the many things I should have said but did not because I didn't really process what I was hearing at the time as relevant to what I think I should have said.

OK, so you sound like a "normal" AS person to me. Social interactions always leave me tired, frustrated, drained, PO'd, etc. That's why I avoid them as much as possible. And yes, there are problems with the "jokes" as well. I take everything seriously and at face value as stated. My partner is always having to tell me that she was only kidding.

I think that my problem with social interaction is not the body language, but that people are different than myself. I am socializing a lot and I state that I have different values than people concerning if something is funny, insteresting, embarrasing, inappropriate, shocking etc.
At the same time I notice that people are agreeing and Im the only person roling eyes, and I travel a lot between 3 different countries (Germany, France and Norway). Since I left my native country when I was young, I thought a long time that the social differences where based on the mentality in the country I went to, so I kept telling my friends that "in my country" that is not funny etc., until I realized that I face the same problems everywhere I go. All my life I have had the issue that people are boring, and Im sorry but honest when I say that I lack the interest in paying attention to them.
Because Im therefore aware of other things than the people around me are aware of, I often miss a joke. If Im paying attention to people though, and at the same time am calm, I dont miss anything. The problem is to stay calm when Im among people I dont know very well, because paying attention to them is a consentration issue for me, so the effort makes me stress at some point. This is I think because I know about all the narrow limits people have, for judging something in some way. I try my best not to cross any line and it is exhausting, so I cant take it for a very long time.
If I am among friends, who know about my differences (and probably therefore enjoy being with me) Im calm (or as "calm" as I can get) and I understand the body language/facial expressions of everybody just fine.

I'm excellent at reading people. I'm just not so great at controlling what I'm doing. Part of the reason is that I'm impulsive and instinctive, and part of the reason is that I don't give a cahoot. So social interaction is very difficult for me, but the ability to read people has nothing to do with it.

Having all your personal relationships end in disaster because your SOs are frustrated that you never seem to know what they need, and getting fired from every job you ever have for reasons that make no sense (or for no apparent reason at all) are pretty good clues. Over the years situations like these have taught me how to recognize certain signals, but that hasn't made it any easier to know how to appropriately respond to them.

All of the above!
As far as my own experience is concerned; it's been, and continues to be a learning curve. Over the years, I've thought of every possible reason why I'm misinterpreted and why I misinterpret others; some of them positive (e.g "I'm just a hippy"!), others downright dark and disturbing, (and I'm glad that the latter is not a reality).

I've gone through stages wondering whether I might simply just be mixing with the wrong people (not the 'wrong' people as such, but people who aren't 'like me'), I've moved a fair bit in my own Country as a result, and my most recent fixation was to move from my Country because I thought that I was inherently 'of another culture' (if that makes any sense?!) and so, would 'fit in' elsewhere.

I've found with experience (and the eternal quest to attempt to fit in), I've learned cues from people, (and I mean the blatantly, repetatively, obvious ones!), such as, deadly silences when I say something to try to add to a conversation, (I still don't know if it's how I say things or what I say that causes these reactions); glances from one person to another, an inability to know how to approach people without coming across like I'm 'hovering' or I suppose creepy, not knowing how to start or finish a conversation (so, inevitably, I've not even bothered to start one), as someone mentioned, not picking up on 'jokes', a general sense of 'awkwardness' from others that they don't display when you see them interacting with others and the most significant, for me anyway, is the tone of voice people use when they talk to me; generally, very patronising.

I know all of these are very negative qualities people display towards me and it may sound like I'm bitter and paranoid (the latter, I confess I am somewhat). But, it's fact for me, this is how I see others interacting with me because of how I fail to interact with them. But this is from years of observing, scrutinizing and a poor attempt at trying to seem normal and together!

If you go through life, or stages of your life and you encouter the same things/reactions from people; or more pertinently, lack of the same things/reactions that you desire, (or society deems you should desire), and everyone around you finds it simple and uncomplicated (or the so called 'norm'), at some point you're going to 'twig', 'there's something not right'.

In the past, other than people saying "you're a mystery" or "you're a bit odd aren't you?" or "you're a bit eccentric", (the British backhanded compliment at it's best), I've never had any feedback, so I drew my own conclusions about my inability to socialise, did my research and then sought a diagnosis.

Anyway, from my own experience it's been a case of learning from others, not an easy task when you find it really difficult to read them!
I'm still learning........

I don't like it how people seem to be like a whole bunch of yes men even if I know that certain people actually do disagree with what is being said.

I don't notice body language to be able to read it.

I want to outlaw sarcasm. I never seem to get it. Worst yet, I do it myself and people don't get when I'm being sarcastic.

Usually later I suddenly 'get' what people mean while at the time I misinterpreted it and got offended or something similar.

Or people telling you you don't care about them and all you think about is yourself. I have gotten this too. I have also realized maybe they misread me too so they assumed I didn't care about them because I showed it differently.

Or you notice how everyone interupts but every time you do it, it's always a crime

Or what about people getting mad at you when you join in their conversations or add to their conversation and you were on topic.

Or what about people telling you to mind your own business or telling you none of your business when you try and make small talk or getting to know them or them saying you ask too many personal questions


I think the last two I just mentioned could also hint it too. I have figured maybe it's just me and none of those people are jerks. I used to play the victim role because I didn't want to be more AS so if it was them with the problem and not me, there was nothing wrong with me. But I still feel that way.

One of the many reasons why I'm reluctant to join in a conversation which would be of interest, because sooner or later I get shouted down for interrupting.
Really frustrating because every time I do it, it feels like I'm contributing something and adding to what's been said. I think I'm getting enthusiastic about what's being said and joining in, they think I'm being rude and interrupting.
So it's less stressful to wait until someone asks me something. Unless I just zone out and miss the whole thing anyway.

Yeah. Sometimes I've stomped off when this happens, muttering things about how private conversations shouldn't be held in public.