When conversations stop dead

Post Reply New Topic

Is it normal for others with asperger's, when having conversations with NT's, for the conversation to stop DEAD after you speak?

I like to imagine a little tumble-weed in my head as an internal joke with myself in such moments to stop myself freaking out too much...I swear I'd kill for a little gadget with sounds I can play like 'tumble-weed' in these silences or 'TV static' when my jokes crash.

In some situations I put this down to the fact people may not be used to me joining in a conversation or not used to my personality so they may freeze up in shock, but amongst friends it's a different matter. It feels like you've said something wrong, but you just can't figure out why - although I normally confirm with my friends or boyfriend later on that this was not something I had said wrong.

If this is common what's the deal with this?
How do you not let this scare you into silence?

When this happens after a joke, I usually say "that sounded funnier in my head" or something.

I really don't know how to continue a dead conversation, though. Someone else will have to pick it up.

It happens to everyone does this. I tend to have some whitty improvisation up my sleeve to follow. In fact, yes, I often say "Maybe I should have kept that in my head".

For those tumble-weed moments after I've said something which was supposed to raise a laugh my get-out clause is usually "Hmm - well that worked much better in rehearsals".
Or "Ho hum. What other games shall we play now?".
UK users will also probably know "I'll get my coat" which can work quite well.

Last edited by Cornflake on 06 Feb 2011, 12:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Please pardon my NT ego for a moment. I believe that I am funnier than many people.

I put a significant amount of effort into making people laugh. Frequently, I will find myself practicing the jokes to myself until I feel that it is right. I also spend a significant amount of time studying how people respond to different types of jokes.

The best jokes inevitably revolve around me making fun of myself. I also tell humorous jokes about my kids. Here is an example from a few years ago.

Me - "A couple guys have been running around naked in our apartment complex and entering peoples unlocked apartments."

Other person - "That is horrible, what is being done about it."

Me "After the neighbor knocks on my door to advise me of the situation, I retrieve my naked 4 year old and 2 year old sons."

This is one of my biggest problems, and it happens to me very often. That's why all my msn conversations don't last long. When this happens, I try to think of something to say, but I can't think of anything other than my (special?) interests and.......... a common topic, which is the weather. Then that's the conversation over... ta ta!

I experience that problem as well. I guess that NTs also want to talk about what they want to talk about, as well.

Heh heh. Yeah. I can be a real conversation killer. Sometimes I say something that is conversational homicide and sometimes it just stops.

Here are my suggested conversation savers.

"Now that joke was supposed to be funny. It worked great at my autism support group."

"Why can't I be as funny as you, Phil?"

"That was almost funny. Please feel free to laugh."

"I am so embarrassed. That joke sucked so bad."

"Did you here the news? I came in first place at the nerd convention in New York."

"I was the only guy in high school who came back from the Chicken Ranch a virgin."

"My teacher, Mother Sadistica of the Sisters of the Divine Severity said that I needed to lighten up and study the bible less often."

Holler over to a person in the distance, "Angela, when you said the joke, it was so funny. Please tell it to everyone." It works great even if Angela never told the joke.

===============================
The following questions start a conversation successfully every time.

- What would you do if you won $1,000,000?
- What would you do if you were given $10,000? There is one catch. You have to spend it on yourself in a mall within two hours.
- What is your favorite sport and why?
- What is the most embarrassing that ever happened to you? - Works with friends.
- What do you plan on doing this weekend?
==================================
Other strategies

- Find out what the NT's special interest is. Pretend that it could be your special interest. Ask questions about their special interest. Make the person feel smart about the special interest.
- Whenever someone has an opinion, no matter how ridiculous, find a part that you agree with. Support that persons idea with the part that you agree with. Alternately, just outright lie about your agreement and invent new creative supports for the person's ideas.
==================================
Try compliments

"Damn your smart about ____________."
"I wish I had your brains."
"You look so cool in that outfit. Where did you get it?" (not sexy, beautiful, etc.)
"You most have been popular in high school."

For me, conversations usually come to a halt after the other person speaks. I usually come up with some short generic reply like "oh," or "hmm" or "nice," then rack my brain to find what kind of logical follow up reply it can come up with. My brain fails and the conversation is effectively ruined. Then a minute later after the window of opportunity has closed, I think of something that I could have said that could have kept the conversation flowing.

I generally only tell jokes to people who already understand me and my sense of humor. Otherwise I get the tumble weed or crickets chirping sound. If the joke still fails I sometimes add "and then I found 20 bucks."

yeah thats me all the way

Yeah. That's the story of my conversational life, dammit.

Each of these are theoretical gold, but each also requires enough social awareness to allow successful application. If one has that level of awareness, they would not need these conversation savers.




GAH! Conversation for the sake of conversation? AHHH! RUN AWAY!! !!




I can't pretend. That's part of being autistic. To "pretend" something I have to be able to understand the mechanisms of the pretense. I have to connect those mechanisms to a false emotional state. I have to do it fluidly enough that the pretense is convincing. Worse than poor conversational skills are when others see your pretense.



This is workable. It require active thinking about the subject and requires no falseness. I am genuinely looking for a point of agreement and once found can state something that I believe to be true, without engaging in pretense.
Support that persons idea with the part that you agree with. Alternately, just outright lie about your agreement and invent new creative supports for the person's ideas.



Or not. Some of my worst social faux pas came from saying things I thought were complementary.

I appreciate your comments here. But the underlying contradictions are in place regardless of the use of such tried and true conversational tropes. Anyone of these requires an awareness of the flow of the conversation, awareness of when a faux pas has occurred, enough sophistication to know which attenuating strategy to adopt, and, back to the beginning, enough awareness of the flow of conversation to successfully execute the strategy,

Said more anecdotally, putting my foot in my mouth is easy. Chewing on it once it is there is a particularly autie ability.

I am to conversations as a bull is to a china shop. I try my darnedest but it usually ends either in awkward silence or unsure laughter from the conversation partner and the exchange is effectively smashed to bits. I don't mind though... I've accepted that a lot of the intricacies involved are beyond my grasp and am genuine in my attempts to play along. I think that people who know me appreciate my attempts and consider me quirky/entertaining. My nickname at work is the "King of Awkward" but is meant in an affectionately-playful sort of way.

I don't even try to tell jokes, unless I am with people that I know really well. I find that generally the response is silence.

I hate it when someone just comes out and asks me a question. I usually take a while to come up with answers. Thirty seconds later, I have a great answer, but it's too late.